Do you want to know how to deal with teenage attitude problems? Well, I'm Nicholeen Peck and
I teach parenting, and self-government, and communications, and relationship building,
all over the world, and in this video, we're going to be talking about just that.
In this video, I'm going to talk a little bit about attitude problems which I know quite a bit about.
Because I was a person who had attitude problems and I've parented many children over the years
doing foster care and having four children of my own. I'm also going to share with you three tips
that you can use as you are dealing with attitude problems at your house. Everything I talk about
here on this channel relates to self-government. This is the teaching self-government channel after all.
So what is self-government? Self-government is when a person learns cause and effect. They
also learn about their own behaviors. They're not afraid to do the hard job of analyzing themselves
and parents often want to know how to teach their children self-government. Well, that does require
the parent to learn self-government too. Now, one of the key things in learning self-government
is for everyone to plan ahead. So, you can't pick the proper path to take if you don't know which
one is going to lead toward the best outcome. So, as a parent, you decide ahead of time what type of
parenting you want to have, right. You don't just shoot from the hip in the minute and if you do
maybe it's time to do a little bit of planning. In fact, there's a lot of resources that I have
to help with that type of planning on my website teachingselfgovernment.com. But in this video let's
specifically talk about attitude problems. So, I was one of those children that had attitude problem
a lot. In fact, I'm pretty sure I gave my parents all of their gray hairs. Because they were always
worried about trying to get through to me. People who have attitude problems oftentimes put up walls.
They pretend like they're not listening. They act like what you're saying doesn't really apply to them.
They talk back a lot. They just seem to have this sour attitude right, all the time. Well, there
are things that we can do to help them be able to be understood in a more productive way. Because
really, that's what they're hoping for. For someone to understand them, care about their thoughts,
and maybe even help them solve some of their problems. They just aren't going about asking
for it in the right way. So the first tip for handling these attitude problems is to pre-plan.
If you're a self-governed person you don't shoot from the hip. You don't just get creative
in the minute. What you do is you decide what are my principles? What are the skills that we need to
stay true to these truths and principles that we know will lead us in the right direction. So in our
family, we plan ahead. In fact, one of the things that we've done as a family that's made a huge
difference to my teenaged children and the foster children that have come into our home is we've
created what we call a vision. A family vision or a person can even create a personal vision of where
they want to be in a certain period of time. So, our family vision we said what type of a family
do we want to be 20 years from now in the future? What do we want our relationships to feel like?
What types of conversations do we want to be having? What types of connection will we feel
with each other? This has been huge. In fact, it's been so powerful that when my children get married
they sit down and say to each other, "Okay, now I'm getting married. This is a step closer to that full
family vision. But how are our communications and relationships going to be now that I'm going to be
getting married? Let's prepare for that change." So, they prepare always with a vision moving forward.
Do your children that are having attitude problems ever look ahead? Because usually people with
attitude problems are pretty stuck in the minute. Tip number two is the skills. Not only do you have
to plan ahead with vision but you've got to know the skills for communication so that an attitude
problem doesn't seem necessary. One of the best skills that a child can learn is how to disagree
appropriately. In fact, of all of the four basic skills that I taught all of my foster children
and my own children that took care of 99% of their behavioral problems. Their very favorite
skill was the disagree appropriately skill. This was the skill that helped them get their way.
That helped them get understood. That allowed them to correct us when we need to be corrected
in a respectful way, honoring parental authority of course. This skill helps keeps the roles in
the family functional. They help all of us work together in the way that we were intended to.
So that we all have the best outcomes. I'm going to talk about these skills and I have another really
important tip for you. But before I do that I'd like to invite you to subscribe to this channel.
I have videos like this that come out every single day and you won't want to miss them. So let's talk
about these skills. What are these four basic skills? I talked about one which is disagreeing
appropriately. That skill is a seven-step process for how that you seek to understand another person
and get understood as well. There are three other skills that are part of these four basic skills.
They are following instructions, accepting no answers and criticism, and accepting consequences.
If a person is going to be able to conquer their attitude problem. They have to acknowledge when
they've done something wrong. Which means that they have to be able to accept a consequence.
So what does it mean to accept a consequence? It means that a person is able to look at you,
keep a calm face, voice, and body, and say "Okay", or ask to disagree appropriately. When you have done
the skill of an effective correction and told them what they have earned for that negative behavior.
They can acknowledge that they did something that they shouldn't have done and that they need to fix
or switch directions, change courses, and they do this by saying, "Okay", and being okay. After that they
go ahead and do whatever they've earned and then they check back and drop the subject. This skill
teaches them that it is okay to be wrong once in a while. Lots of times children that have
an attitude problem are also children that don't want to acknowledge that they're wrong.
Tip number three is open communication. In order to have open communication you also must have a
good relationship. So, those two things are very closely linked and I know some people say,
"Well, without open communication. How can I have the good relationship?". Well, you can start feeding
one or the other and both of those things come together. It's important to have good discussions
with your children. I know sometimes when someone has an attitude problem they put up a wall and it
seems like you can't break through that wall. But you can have deliberate conversations with them
at times when there isn't an attitude problem happening or at times especially when it's just
the two of you, you're just alone. Maybe on a car ride. Maybe on a hike somewhere.
Maybe you go out to dinner and you talk about your relationship. You plan a vision for just the two of
you in your relationship and what you want it to be like and then say, "You know, I've noticed
there's something that keeps getting in the way and it's probably not just you. But I think both of
us have attitude problems sometimes and we're not listening to each other and really understanding,
and I would like to understand you a lot more. Which means we've got to have regular talk times
and if we have these regular times and we don't talk we can still just sit and enjoy each other's
presence. But I think I'd like to have a regular talk time with you." So then you schedule it once
a week, same day, same time. Pick a time that you won't forget and now it has to be sacred to you,
top priority. You will have this time to discuss. Hopefully you'll also open the door to discussing
many other times as well. During this time of open communication. What you want to be doing is really
seeking to understand that other person. They need to know that you care about their thoughts and
feelings and then you're going to help work them through those things without judging them. But also
helping them not get stuck in places that are not going to be productive for them. They need your
leadership. They need your guidance. I know that sometimes when someone has an attitude problem
we think we're battling them. But in reality we are guiding them and leading them and if
we can remember that. If we can point them in the right direction toward calmness, toward bonding,
towards skills and good communication. Then they will find themselves having good relationships
and not being held back by these negative thought patterns that they keep producing inside their own
heads. When they're in those moments of having an attitude problem we've been talking about attitude
problems. Did you know that many children who are displaying attitude problems are strong-willed
children? If you've liked this video, I'm pretty sure you will enjoy the next one which is,
how do you know if you have a strong-willed child? Click on that link now, I'll see you there.