- [Voiceover] This season of "Sex Ed"
is brought to you by Lelo.
Stick around until after the episode
to learn a little bit more.
- When did you realize you were addicted to sex?
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- What age were you exposed to sex?
Well, I discovered it on my own at about five years old.
When I understood and figured out what masturbation was.
- I was exposed to sex very early
at eight years old through an older neighbor girl.
Years later, I realized that was the beginning of,
kind of, the modus operandi for my acting out.
It was secret.
It was shameful.
It caused a lot of guilt.
- I remember about seven years old
watching the show E R with my mom.
And I remember thinking,
what exactly are they doing rolling around in the covers?
And that was my first time being exposed to sex.
- When did you realize you were addicted to sex?
As an addiction, as a problem,
I would say when I was about 40.
But, the sex addiction was always there.
My mother would send me to see the priests
and the priests were all pedophiles.
The message really was, you know,
no one was really going to talk to you about it.
Nobody's going to say anything
and nobody's going to help you.
- It wasn't until I was 26,
where I really realized I had a serious problem
and sought help.
It was getting to places where it was just really dangerous.
I progressed to the level of me prostituting myself.
- I started going to a program for co-dependence
and I told my story of what was going on
with my sexual life as well.
The leader of the meeting came to me and he said,
I think you would benefit from an S program.
There's one for sex addicts.
It was that moment that it was put in my face
and I was probably 50.
- How much sex do you have to have
to be considered an addict?
Well, it's not the amount.
It's what kind of sex.
Is it addictive?
Is it healthy?
Or does it leave me with a demoralized sense of self?
- It's a hard question. I've always liked to say that,
you know, it's not what you're doing,
it's what it's doing to you.
You know, there were times where
I only acted out once a week.
I did it just like a heroin addict would do it, you know?
You stop taking it for a week
because you want it to feel better.
So, the addiction is always there.
Part of it is determining what is healthy sex.
- What do you think is the cause of your sexual addiction?
The false core belief that runs my addiction is
I'm not man enough.
I'm not tall enough.
I don't make enough money.
I don't live in the right neighborhood.
It's just those self negating false core beliefs.
My way of coping with those was through sexual acting out.
- I would say I experienced sexual abuse in my childhood.
I was also raped when I was 17.
I definitely think there was this unconscious drive
to take my power back from men.
I think that my personality played into it as well.
- I did psycho regression therapy
and was able to see myself
molested 18 months old.
And the hyper sexualization got me into
inappropriate behaviors
and I found myself powerless to stop.
- You know, I ended up having the job
of taking care of my younger brothers and sisters
when my mother got too drunk.
My dad wasn't home or something, so.
So, what the addiction did for me is
it made me feel better for a little bit.
- I think I have the genetic predisposition for addiction.
And when that began to take over,
it took me years to recognize it.
- How do you handle recovery? And what does that look like?
So, I'm in to 12 step for sex addiction.
I've been in that for almost four years.
Also connecting with people that
experience the same addiction as me.
And they become some of my best friends because I feel like,
of course they understand me better than anyone.
- What I found was a fellowship.
I found somebody I could trust.
Somebody I could tell the truth to.
The recovery for me now is of service.
My entire life is about service and it helps me give back
what was freely given to me.
- I put recovery first
and that dictates
who I'm in a relationship with,
where I live.
Without it, my life just deteriorates.
- If you have a partner,
how do you tell them about your addiction
and how does it affect your relationship?
My husband was very supportive,
but he left it up to me to do what I needed to do
to make sure this didn't happen again.
In the end, it brought us closer together
because it did seem to take us to
a new level of intimacy and honesty, so.
- I recently gave up a relationship because I found myself
beginning to get close to boundaries that I have.
And I have a literal task factor, a dating plant per se.
What's appropriate and what's not appropriate for me.
And I'll kiss on the first date, you know?
I definitely don't have sex on the first date, you know?
- I'm lucky that my partner's really accepting of my path,
but it definitely makes for trust issues.
And I feel like I kind of act like a brat
if I don't get sex when I want it from my partner,
but that's something I'm working on.
- So, my current wife is not a person
who wants to deal with it or talk about it.
I don't think she fully understood,
but I don't think she cared or wanted to understand.
I'm in the midst of moving back east somewhere,
splitting up, selling our house.
I mean, I love my wife.
She's a good person,
but you know,
we didn't do the things we needed to do.
- When I got into recovery,
I never thought it possible
that I would be in a relationship.
I thought I'll just be this happy single gay man.
This guy just dropped out of the sky.
It doesn't feel like a burden at all.
It's just comfortable and open.
Long before that, when I engage with guys,
the first thing I would tell them I was a sex addict.
If they couldn't handle that, they couldn't handle me.
- What do you wish people knew about sex addiction?
Sex addiction is not just about perversion.
It's a mental disease.
- I think some of the false beliefs are that
it's a lack of will, or it's a lack of strength.
I think as society becomes more open with talking about sex,
we will become more open about talking about
the problems that come with being a sexual person.
- The prevalence of sex addiction,
the numbers of people who are in the sex offender registry.
There's a problem somewhere else in our society.
Sex is a normal thing for people to have.
You know, it needs to be talked about.
- It's not necessarily that you were molested or
that you're gay or straight or trans or any of that.
All of those people can be sex addicts.
And a lot of those people in those categories
are certainly not.
- I don't think I even knew what the concept of self-love
really was until I got into recovery.
- I've come to understand over 12 years later,
this is a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life.
And I'm so grateful for it.
- [Voiceover] This season of sex ed is presented by Lelo.
Lelo believes in de-stigmatizing conversations
around sexual education,
owning and exploring your sexuality,
discovering what self-pleasure means to you,
and bridging the orgasm gap.
Which is why we're so excited
to be partnering with them this season
and particularly on this episode of sex ed.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction,
please don't hesitate to reach out and learn more.
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