WELCOME TO THE LATE TO "THE LATE SHOW" EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURPRISED ME ABOUT NEW YORK THE MOST IS HOW NICE THE CROWDS ARE,
JON.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT CAN ONE SAY BUT A TU DAS.
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
WAS I CLOSE?
WAS IT CLOSE?
THE OPENING ARGUMENTS WRAPPED UP TODAY IN DONALD TRUMP'S
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
SENATORS ARE EXHAUSTED FROM HOURS OF NOT LISTENING.
( LAUGHTER )
HE REPLACED HIM WITH A CARPOOL LANE SEX DOLL.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> THEY'RE TRYING TO IMPEACH THE SONAVABITCH!
>> Stephen: THIS, OF COURSE, IS AN HISTORIC DAY, AND CNN WAS ON
TOP OF ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS, LIKE, AS THE TRIAL BEGAN
TODAY, SENATOR MITT ROMNEY WAS SPOTTED WITH A GLASS OF
CHOCOLATE MILK ON HIS DESK.
FOLLOWING UP WITH THIS EXCLUSIVE: "ROMNEY MADE SHORT
WORK OF HIS CHOCOLATE MILK, FINISHING THE ENTIRE GLASS BY
ABOUT 1:20 P.M. EASTERN TIME, AFTER WHICH A PAGE PROMPTLY
REMOVED IT FROM HIS DESK."
THEN THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSES, BUT I DIDN'T CATCH MOST OF IT, BECAUSE I WAS
WORKING MY SOURCES TO FIND OUT IF ROMNEY'S MILK WAS WHOLE OR
2%."
ANYWAY, ARGUMENTS ARE DONE AS OF 3:00 TODAY.
THE DEFENSE RESTED?
OKAY.
ALL THAT'S LEFT IS ALL THE ARGUING, MOSTLY ABOUT WITNESSES.
MITCH McCONNELL DOESN'T WANT ANY, AND IT LOOKED LIKE ALL THE
REPUBLICANS WERE GOING TO FALL IN LINE.
THAT GOT COMPLICATED ON SUNDAY, THANKS TO A NEW BOOK BY FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND LONELY GRANDPA TOOTHBRUSH, JOHN
BOLTON.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TRIAL, BUT SO FAR, REPUBLICANS HAVE REFUSED TO.
CALL HIM.
THAT MIGHT CHANGE, THANKS TO REPORTS ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK,
"THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED."
OKAY, THAT'S A CLEAR REFERENCE TO THE HIT MUSICAL "HAMILTON,"
WHICH MEANS THE BOOK MUST BE WRITTEN IN HIP HOP.
♪ MY NAME IS JOHN BOLTON AND I'M HERE TO SAY
♪ IT'S WRONG TO BLACKMAIL UKRAINE THIS WAY! ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
THE MANUSCRIPT IS FULL OF SPICY REVELATIONS, BUT THE MOST
DAMNING ONE IS THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD BOLTON IN AUGUST THAT
HE WANTED TO CONTINUE FREEZING ASSISTANCE TO UKRAINE UNTIL
OFFICIALS HELPED WITH INVESTIGATIONS INTO THE
DEMOCRATS, INCLUDING THE BIDENS.
THERE IT IS!
BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!
QUID PRO QUO CONFIRMED BY A FIRSTHAND WITNESS.
CHECK AND MATE.
GAME, SET, MATCH!
GOAAAALL!
TOUCHDOWN!
HOMERUN!
WHATEVER-- WHATEVER--
WHATEVER YOU YELL AT THE END OF A WATER POLO MATCH.
I'M SO WET!
MY SPEEDO IS THE SMALLEST!
BOLTON CLAIMS THE LEAKS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BOOSTING
THE SALES OF HIS BOOK, BUT PEOPLE ARE SUSPICIOUS,
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE QUOTES LEAKED THE SAME DAY THE
AMAZON PRODUCT PAGE FOR THE BOOK WENT LIVE.
HOW CASH-VENIENT.
NOW WE KNOW HOW TO GET TRUMP'S PEOPLE TO TELL THE TRUTH: GIVE
THEM A PRODUCT TO PROMOTE.
MICK MULVANEY, COME ON MY SHOW, AND I WILL PLAY A CLIP FROM YOUR
NEW DISNEY MOVIE, "FROZEN MILITARY AID."
( AS TRUMP )
QUID PRO QUO ♪
IT ♪ CRIME'S NEVER BOTHERED ME
ANYWAY ♪ THE BOOK WON'T BE OFFICIALLY
RELEASED UNTIL MARCH 17, WHICH OF COURSE IS ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
SO THIS YEAR, WHEN I'M DRUNK AND THROWING UP, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE
I'M IRISH.
BOLTON'S BOOK PUTS PRESSURE ON G.O.P. SENATORS TO ALLOW
WITNESSES, INCLUDING UTAH SENATOR MITT ROMNEY, SEEN HERE
LEARNING THEY MAKE FLAVORED SELTZERS?
YESTERDAY, ROMNEY SAID THIS: "IT'S INCREASINGLY LIKELY THAT
THOSE OF US WHO THINK WE SHOULD HEAR FROM JOHN BOLTON.
I HAVE SPOKEN WITH OTHERS WHO HAVE OPINED UPON THIS."
SO... IS THAT A YES?
CAN YOU IMAGINE ORDERING A PIZZA WITH MITT ROMNEY?
( AS ROMNEY )
I'LL CONSIDER A HALF PEPPERONI, HALF MUSHROOM.
OTHERS AT THE PARTY HAVE OPINED ON THE MERITS OF SAUSAGE."
( LAUGHTER )
TERRIBLE FOR THE PRESIDENT.
SO YESTERDAY, TRUMP'S LAWYERS AT FIRST SAID, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO
THE MAN BEHIND THE MUSTACHE."
BUT EVENTUALLY, THAT WHICH WAS ONCE ALAN DERSHOWITZ, TRIED THIS
BRILLIANT DEFENSE: >> NOTHING IN THE BOLTON
REVELATIONS, EVEN IF TRUE, WOULD RISE TO THE LEVEL OF AN ABUSE OF
POWER OR AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE.
>> Stephen: WELL, IF IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT TRUMP DID IT, WHY
HAVE YOU WASTED SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY ARGUING THAT HE DIDN'T?
( AS HUSBAND )
SLEPT WITH JEANNINE!
ALSO, CAN WE AGREE THAT MONOGAMY IS FOR PENGUINS?"
( LAUGHTER )
FREEMAN NARRATING OUR SEX.
BUT THAT WOULD BE NICE."
BUT THE UKRAINE SCANDAL WASN'T THE ONLY BOMBSHELL IN BOLTON'S
UPCOMING BOOK.
IT TURNS OUT BOLTON WAS CONCERNED THAT TRUMP DID FAVORS
FOR AUTOCRATIC LEADERS.
JUST CONCERNED?
THAT'S IT?
IT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE
IS NORMAL.
I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THIS ARROW STICKING OUT OF YOUR HEART.
I WOULD TAKE IT OUT, BUT I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I FINISH
WRITING MY BOOK ABOUT IT."
TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE JOHN BOLTON IMPLICATES IN HIS BOOK.
HE ALSO NAMES SECRETARY OF STATE AND ANGRY BABY BIRD, MIKE
POMPEO.
BUT POMPEO CAN MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GUILTY ALL ON HIS OWN.
LISTEN TO HOW TESTY HE GOT DURING AN INTERVIEW WITH NPR'S
MARY LOUISE KELLY FOR "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED."
>> CHANGE OF SUBJECT, UKRAINE.
DO YOU OWE AMBASSADOR MARIE YOVANOVITCH AN APOLOGY?
>> YOU KNOW, I AGREED TO COME ON YOUR SHOW TODAY TO TALK ABOUT
IRAN.
THAT'S WHAT I INTEND TO DO.
>> I CONFIRMED WITH YOUR STAFF LAST NIGHT THAT I WOULD TALK
ABOUT IRAN AND UKRAINE.
>> I JUST DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT THAT THIS
MORNING.
>> Stephen: SO POMPEO REFUSED TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BESIDES
IRAN.
DOES HE THINK THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS "ONE THING CONSIDERED"?
( LAUGHTER )
JOURNALIST, PRESSED ON, FOCUSING ON WHY POMPEO, AS SECRETARY OF
STATE, DIDN'T DO MORE TO PROTECT THE AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE.
>> SIR, RESPECTFULLY, WHERE HAVE YOU DEFENDED MARIE YOVANOVITCH?
>> I'VE DEFENDED EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS TEAM.
I'VE DONE WHAT'S RIGHT FOR EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS TEAM.
>> CAN YOU POINT ME TOWARD YOUR REMARKS WHERE YOU HAVE DEFENDED
MARIE YOVANOVITCH?
>> I'VE SAID ALL I'M GOING TO SAY TODAY.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR THE REPEATED OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY SARCASTIC.
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU CARDS.
"DEAR NANA, THANK YOU FOR THE REPEATED OPPORTUNITY TO WEAR A
HOMEMADE SWEATER.
SO GLAD YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE.
MIKE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THINGS WENT FROM PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TO REGULAR
AGGRESSIVE.
KELLY DESCRIBED WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE INTERVIEW ENDED.
>> I WAS TAKEN TO THE SECRETARY'S PRIVATE LIVING ROOM.
HE SHOUTED AT ME FOR ABOUT THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME AS THE
INTERVIEW ITSELF HAD LASTED.
HE WAS NOT HAPPY TO HAVE BEEN QUESTIONED ABOUT UKRAINE.
HE ASKED, "DO YOU THINK AMERICANS CARE ABOUT UKRAINE?"
HE USED THE F-WORD IN THAT SENTENCE AND MANY OTHERS.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK POMPEO UNDERSTANDS THE REAL ISSUE.
UKRAINE IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE ARE GIVING AN F-WORD ABOUT HERE.
THEY GIVE AN F-WORD ABOUT THE PRESIDENT BLACKMAILING A FOREIGN
COUNTRY TO WIN AN F-WORDING ELECTION.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S BIDEN AND UKRAINE, OR BUTTIGIEG AND
DJIBOUTI-- A SCANDAL THAT WOULD, OF COURSE, BE CALLED
"BUTTIGIEG-IBOUTI."
( LAUGHTER )
KELLY.
>> HE ASKED IF I COULD FIND UKRAINE ON A MAP.
I SAID YES.
HE CALLED OUT FOR HIS AIDES TO BRING HIM A MAP OF THE WORLD
WITH NO WRITING, NO COUNTRIES MARKED.
>> Stephen: HE DID WHAT?
( LAUGHTER )
POMPEO JUST HAVE UNMARKED MAPS AT THE READY?
IS HE THE SECRETARY OF STATE OR AN EIGHTH GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES
TEACHER?
OR DOES HE DO THIS TO REPORTERS A LOT BECAUSE HE NEEDS HELP
FILLING IT OUT?
( AS POMPEO )
GREAT.
OKAY, THAT'S UKRAINE.
OKAY THEN, WHAT'S THIS LONG DANGLY ONE BELOW ALABAMA?
ALSO, BLUE IS WATER AND GREEN IS LAND, RIGHT?
I KNOW, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW."
SUPER CONDESCENDING AND INFURIATING, BUT KELLY WAS GAME.
>> I POINTED TO UKRAINE.
HE PUT THE MAP AWAY.
HE SAID, "PEOPLE WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS."
>> Stephen: OH, PEOPLE HEARD ABOUT IT, ON RADIO THAT WAS
BOTH NATIONAL AND PUBLIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ POMPEO ♪ >> Audience:
♪ POMPEO ♪ >> Stephen: NOTE POM-PE-O ♪
I LOVE THAT, IT'S JUST FUN.
POMPEO GOT SOME FLACK FOR HIS BIZARRE BULLYING, SO HE DOUBLED
DOWN WITH AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT, SAYING, "MARY LOUISE KELLY LIED
TO ME, TWICE.
FIRST, LAST MONTH, IN SETTING UP OUR INTERVIEW, AND THEN AGAIN
YESTERDAY, IN AGREEING TO HAVE OUR POST-INTERVIEW CONVERSATION
OFF THE RECORD."
ADDING, "IT IS WORTH NOTING THAT BANGLADESH IS NOT UKRAINE."
THAT'S TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )
BANGLADESH AND UKRAINE ARE NOT CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, WHICH IS
WHY MANY SPECULATED THAT POMPEO WAS CONFUSING BANGLADESH WITH
BELARUS, WHICH BORDERS UKRAINE-- EXACTLY THE CLARITY YOU WANT
FROM A SECRETARY OF STATE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS POMPEO )
"PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS ORDERED MISSILE STRIKES AGAINST IRELAND.
I MEAN, I-RAN!
SORRY.
KISS YOUR BLARNEY STONE GOODBYE."
OF COURSE, LIKE ANY TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL
STATEMENT, IT WAS A LIE.
KELLY RELEASED EMAILS WHERE SHE LET POMPEO'S TEAM KNOW THAT SHE
WOULD BE ASKING ABOUT UKRAINE AS WELL.
SO IN RETALIATION, POMPEO KICKED A DIFFERENT NPR REPORTER,
MICHELE KELEMAN, OFF HIS TRIP TO EASTERN EUROPE, SAYING-- AND I'M
PARAPHRASING-- "STEP TO ME, AND I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT,
YOU BITCH."
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY BY RETWEETING A CONSERVATIVE RADIO HOST SAYING,
"WHY DOES NPR STILL EXIST?
WHY ARE WE PAYING FOR THIS BIG-GOVERNMENT, DEMOCRATIC PARTY
PROPAGANDA OPERATION?" AND ADDED THE COMMENT, "A VERY
GOOD QUESTION."
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S VERY NOT.
THE GOVERNMENT PROVIDES LESS THAN 1% OF NPR'S BUDGET.
NPR IS NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.
THEY INTRODUCED THEIR NEW PLEDGE DRIVE DONOR GIFT.
IT'S NOT JUST A TOTE BAG.
THIS YEAR IT'S THE "MIKE POMPEO IS A DOUCHE BAG."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ANTONIO BANDERAS IS HERE.