LOTS TO TALK ABOUT THE NEWS THERE IS
MORE INFORMATION COMING OUT ABOUT THAT BIG COLLEGE
ADMISSIONS BRIBERY SCHEME, IT TURNS OUT PARENTS WERE PAYING A
MIDDLEMAN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO CREATE THE
ILLUSION THAT THEIR KIDS WERE ATHLETES BY PHOTO SHOPPING THEIR
KID'S HEADS ON TO THE BODIES OF ATHLETES.
NOW HERE'S WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY.
IF YOU ARE TOO LUZZEE TO POSE-- LAZY TO POSE FOR ANNUAL
PICTURE WITH A JERSZEE AND A LACROSSE STICK, YOU REALLY DON'T
DESERVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.
HOW HARD ST. PHOTO SHOPPING FACES, IT'S
CRAZY.
I MEAN THIS WILL BE A FUN THING TO EXPLAIN IN PRISON, WON'T IT?
WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR.
>> ASSAULT, MURDER?
>> YEAH, PHOTO SHOP.
PHOTO SHOP.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS SCHEME WASN'T DISCOVERED ER8IER.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY YOU CAN REALLY TELL THAT SOME OF THE
PHOTOS WERE DOCTORED.
THERE IS THIS ONE.
(LAUGHTER) THIS ONE.
(LAUGHTER) AND THEN THIS ONE I HAVE NO IDEA
HOW THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT.
IN OTHER NEWS, EARLIER TODAY PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FORMER
CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN PAUL MANAFORT WAS SCEN TENSED TO AN ADDITIONAL
THREE AND A HALF YEARS IN PRISON ON TOP OF THE FOUR YEARS HE WAS
SENTENCED TOAS WEEK.
SOW WILL BE IN JAIL FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS.
I WILL BE IN JAIL FOR SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS AND SHOW BY THE
TIME HE GETS OUT THEY STILL WANT BE DONE WITH THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION.
(LAUGHTER) MANAFORT IS GOING TO JAIL FOR
SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS WHICH IS ROUGHLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR
ONE OF THOSE UNQUALIFIED BRIBERY SCANDAL KIDS TO GRADUATE FROM
COLLEGE.
NOW PAUL MANAFORT IS ABOUT TO TURN 70 YEARS OLD.
HERE SAY PICTURE OF HIM HERE.
NOW I DONE KNOW IF HE IS GOING TO DIE IN PRISON BUT HE IS
DEFINITELY GOING TO HAIR DYE IN PRISON.
MOVING ON, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY ON SLEEP HABITS PEOPLE WHO
IDENTIFY AS EARLY RISERS HAVE MORE SEX THAN THOSE WHO IDENTIFY
AS NIGHT OWLS.
YEAH, THAT IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM.
(LAUGHTER) I GET IT NOW.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
THE STUDY FINDS EARLY RISERS HAVE MORE SEX.
I KNOW, I WAS TOTALLY SHOCKED WHEN I READ ABOUT IT IF AT 4:00
THIS MORNING.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I WAS UP AT 4 A.M. BUT WITH A SCREAMING ONE YEAR OLD.
THE NIGHT OWLS DON'T HAVE AS MUCH SEX SO IF YOU STAYED UP
UNTIL 12:37 TO WATCH THIS HE SHOW, I'M SO SORRY.
AND NOW AS YOU KNOW WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON WHEN
SOME CHRISTIANS LENT, GIVE UP SOMETHING FOR EASTER.
A MAN IN OHIO IS OBSERVING IT A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.
HE'S GIVING UP EVERYTHING EXCEPT BEER.
HE WILL LIVEN TIRELY ON BEER UNTIL THE END OF APRIL.
YOU HE KNOW, JUST LIKE JESUS DID.
CORRECT HE ME IF I'M WRONG, I THOUGHT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO
GIVE UP YOUR VICES FOR LENT, NOT AGGRESSIVELY DOUBLE DOWN ON
THEM.
AT CHURCH WHEN THE MAN IS OFFERED COMMUNION WINE, IS HE
LIKE NO, NO I'M GOOD.
AND FINALLY, THE NEWS FROM MY HOMELAND A BURGLAR IN LONDON
RECENTLY ATTEMPTED TO SNEAK INTO A BUILDING THROUGH THE BACKYARD
AREA AND ENDED UP DISRUPTING THE OWNER'S BEEHIVE AND THE BURGLAR
WAS THEN CHASED AWAY BY A SWARM OF 80,000 ANG ERIE BEES.
YEAH, NOW THEY DESCRIBE IT AS THE VICTIM OF A STING OPERATION,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I WROTE THAT ALL BY MYSELF.
THE ATTEMPTED BURGLAR GOT AWAY BUT POLICE HAVE RELEASED A
SKETCH OF THE SUSPECT.
HE HAD SAY YOU SHOULD BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS GUY.