You may want to convince your boss that you deserve to get a raise. You may want your child or significant other to eat healthier.
Or, perhaps you're in desperate need or persuading your partner to please not apply for that fifth credit card and
that you must start to take your personal finances together more seriously
We all have situations in our lives where we wish that we could influence other people
But one must tread lightly when trying to do this
Oftentimes, it just ends up in an argument where both sides leave the discussion more convinced of their initial standpoint than ever before
But there are techniques that can help you avoid this. Where resistance and tunnel vision are replaced with
conformity and cooperation
In this video,
we'll go through some of these techniques, as this is a top 5 takeaway summary of
"How to win friends and influence people",
written by Dale Carnegie
Let's dive into the five takeaways
Two fishermen were competing in a fishing contest
One of them thought:
"I like strawberries and cream. So therefore I will bait hook with strawberries and cream"
The other one thought:
I don't really like maggots
However, I think fish like maggots a lot. So therefore I will bait the hook with maggots
Who do you think won the competition?
It is necessary to "bait the hook to suit the fish", and the same principle applies to people as well
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it
So takeaway number 1 is: Arouse in the other person an eager want
If you, for instance, would like to convince your boss that you should get a raise,
it is quite useless to state your own reasons for wanting this
Instead, show and tell why it would be in the best interest of your boss for you to have a higher salary
Or, let's take the example of convincing your kid that he should eat healthier foods
Again, there's no point in stating your own reasons for wanting him to do so
Instead, show and tell why it would be beneficial from his perspective
And when trying to persuade your spouse that it would be beneficial if you were to save and invest more the same rule applies
Whatever your motives are, he or she is probably not so interested in them
Instead, ask yourself: How can I make this person want to do it?
Start to see things from other people’s perspective, and you’ve come a long way towards being more influential.
Now, before we move on to the next takeaway, I encourage you to pause the video and think about a situation in your life
where you want to influence.
Try to think of a want that you can arouse in the other person that is also aligned with your want
Whether the situation is related to work, a
relationship or perhaps a friendship, that doesn't really matter, just try to apply it and you will remember the advice more easily
Do that now, please
Did you pause? If you did, please comment with the "thinking emoji" down below for the YouTube algorithm
Meanwhile, we'll move on to the next takeaway
Tommy T was the school's most notorious bad boy. He caused fights among the boys of the class teased all the girls
and was fresh to the teachers.
Mrs. Hopkins, one of the teachers of the school was just about to get Tommy in her class for the new year
She was filled with anxiety
However, she took a different approach with Tommy than what teachers had done previously, as their methods didn't really seem to work
During the first day when greeting the new students of the class she made little compliments to them:
"Alicia, I understand that you are great with numbers"
When she came to Tommy she said: "Tommy, I understand that you are a natural leader"
"I am going to depend on you to help me in making this class the best one in the school this year"
She reinforced this during the following few days by encouraging the boy
Tommy now had a fine reputation to live up to and he did not disappoint
Takeaway number 2 is: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
If you want to improve a person in a certain characteristic act as if he already possesses this characteristic
There's a saying that if you give a dog a bad name you may as well hang him
But try to give him a good name and see what happens
Let's return to our examples
If you want your spouse to save and invest more, instead of criticizing and complaining about his or her
irresponsible behavior around money, try to encourage and find situations
in which the person already possesses the qualities you are looking for
Emphasize these, and
perhaps you should also give up responsibility in certain areas regarding your personal finances and show that you entrust the other person with this
Most likely, they will try their best to not let you down
In which one of the following situations do you think that person A is more likely to convince person B to her way of thinking?
Situation 1:
What?
Investing money?
That doesn't sound too fun. Nah, I think I’m going to buy myself that suit we saw the other day.
We still have two hundred dollars left from this month's salary anyways!
Oh. you really are hopeless when it comes to money!
It's so obvious that I'm the only one in this household with a degree in economics!
I tell you, if we keep spending like this, we will have to work forever. You know, what?
No, I decide that we will take this money and we will put it in the stock market
Situation 2:
What?
Investing money?
That doesn't sound too fun. Nah, I think I’m going to buy myself that suit we saw the other day.
We still have two hundred dollars left from this month's salary anyways
You would look so good in that suit, darling
You think?
Thanks, babe!
Do you remember when we met that 40-year old couple during our last trip to Sweden, the ones who had retired already?
Yeah, I remember them, why?
You and I said that it would be wonderful to have the same kind of freedom as they had at such a young age
Yea, hmm, I was quite jealous actually when they talked about how much time they have to spend with their kids.
Didn't they say that it all started when they decided to invest $100 every month and put that money in the stock market?
The situation in which there's a higher probability to convince person B is of course in situation two
Takeaway number 3 is that: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
This is how an argument often ends:
Even if you win it and convince the other person that he is wrong (which may prove to be difficult),
pride will make it tough for the other person to back down
Instead, what you want to do is to agree on the points in the other person's argument that you resemble with
Then, after you've left the subject, you move on to talk about your point of view and the pros that are associated with that
There's a bonus takeaway on how to influence people hidden in conversation two, by the way
Comment down below if you can find it. Also, I will present it in the end of this video
Have you ever thought about why every single
infomercial looks like this?
It is because it's not enough to merely state the truth - the truth must also be vivid interesting and dramatic
So takeaway number 4 from Dale Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people is to: Dramatize your ideas
Returning to our examples again. If you want your kids to eat healthier,
don't just tell them that they'll become stronger and they'll be able to beat up the bullies
Show them a few role models to dramatize your ideas. For example, perhaps you can watch Popeye together
Now I’ve almost made it look like this book is all about
influencing people, but it's actually about "how to win friends" and influence people
So here comes the fifth takeaway from Dale Carnegie:
Three ways to make people like you
- Show a genuine interest
People are not interested in you and they are not interested in me either
They are interested in themselves,
morning, noon and after dinner
A person's toothache means more to him than a war in a foreign country that kills thousands of people
Remember that the next time you start a conversation
- Be a good listener
Talking in terms of the other person's interests and make that person feel important
Do this, and if you do this sincerely,
you'll win more friends in two months than you do in a lifetime of trying to show people how important you yourself are
- Smile
Why do you think that the dog is the world's number one friends winner?
It's because they're just so sincerely happy to see us and they show this not through words but through actions
Actions speak louder than words and when you give another person a smile, it says:
"I like you, you make me happy. I am glad to see you"
Who doesn't like a person who always shows that?
The effect of smiling is powerful
even when it is unseen, and can therefore be used in other situations than when meeting face-to-face as well
Such as during a phone call or in YouTube video ...
- Remember names
A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important word in any language
Remember this the next time you're introduced to someone that you'd want to become friends with
Repeat their name during your initial conversation. And if it's a difficult one, ask how it's spelled
This advice is extra effective if the person has a foreign name
And that's it from Dale Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people. Let's have a quick recap
There's only one way to make anyone do anything and that is by making them want to do it
Act as if the person is already in possession of the characteristic that you want to improve
Avoid arguments, it will just cement the current beliefs of the other person
Show your ideas in a vivid, interesting and dramatic way
Make a great first impression by showing a genuine interest, smiling and remembering a person's name.
Oh and which one was the hidden takeaway in the conversation?
It was that you should always start a conversation by having the other person say:
"Yes ... yes" to get them in an affirmative state before trying to convince them about something
That's it. Now click on my playlist of Thinking Fast and Slow if you're interested in hearing more about what makes us humans tick
Until next time!