- I was on Bumble for a minute, anyone on Bumble here?
- Yeah! - Oh yeah, too excited
about it buddy, he was like yeah!
(audience laughs)
I was on Bum, if you don't know Bumble is the app
where the girls talk to you first, allegedly.
(audience laughs)
I never unlocked this feature.
(audience laughs)
I gotta upgrade my phone or something I don't know.
I was on the Apple store like, "The girls aren't talking,
"what's going on?" (audience laughs)
"I paid my bill." (audience laughs)
It's funny when you get on these apps,
you can tell how long a lot of girls had been on these apps
by just how mean and specific their bios get.
You know what I'm talking about?
'Cause if they have like every asshole in New York City.
Like a girl who's on there new is like,
"I'm from California.
"I like horses."
A girl who has been there a while is like,
"No creeps, no weirdos, no momma's boys."
(audience laughs)
"No Libras, no Kevins." (audience laughs)
"No zookeepers, no Mennonites."
(audience laughs)
"We go for one drink, you don't look at me,
"and my friend Cheryl's coming."
(audience laughs)
All right, sounds too good to be true ma'am.
Can't believe your still alone.
(audience laughs)
My girlfriend and I have been talking about babies
and the way the abortion laws are going we got
to really mean it, you know what I'm saying?
Woo daddy, getting sticky down there baby.
I think abortion should be legal, I think its,
whatever you wanna do to your body, get in there.
You wanna give yourself, c'mon baby, get into it.
Clap for me, you wanna give yourself open heart surgery,
that's yours to root around in there baby.
Whatever you want.
I'm glad I don't have to make the decision
to get an abortion 'cause
I'd probably wanna keep it and I'm very poor.
It just be me and this little guy eating cat food
under a bridge, for you, one for daddy, one for this guy.
Two for daddy, daddy likes it.
Daddy likes the cat food.
I wouldn't be a good mother, it's too much responsibility.
I couldn't handle, I've locked myself in a hot car.
So there you go. (audience laughs)
I couldn't figure, I'm like what is this electric?
I can't, hang on, I'm going down,
all right, it's getting steamy.
It is tough, I do love babies,
I love babies way too much for a big
gangly man with a blond mustache.
(audience laughs)
Nobody likes it, nobody's comfortable with it.
I found this out recently, I think as man you're not
supposed to like babies as much as a woman.
I found this out, I had a girlfriend come up
to a group of friends and she was like, "I saw this baby."
(woman moans) (audience laughs)
I'm gonna ignore that. (audience laughs)
She's like, "I saw this baby on the subway.
"It was so cute, my ovaries were aching."
And everyone's like, "Oh my god, that's so cute,
"I can't imagine."
They're like, "You're ready to be a mom,
"that's what that means, you know that right?"
I couldn't be like, "Man,"
(audience laughs)
"Just saw this baby in Dunkin Donuts.
"It was so cute, my balls were quivering."
(audience laughs)
"I mean god damn!
"He was dressed like a sailor, come on, dude!
"How you gonna do me like that bruh.
"You could hear my jeans hum boys,
"like" (rolls tongue)
"that's a good looking boy.
"Welcome ashore."
(audience laughs)
No one would be like, "I think you're ready to be a father,
"that's what that means."
They'd be like, "Please stay away from the schools, sir."
I like being big, it's cool I can see over high grass.
See oncoming predators.
But there's some drawbacks, like I feel like I give off
more intimidating presence than I mean to sometimes.
Like I was recently in a packed subway
and we all got off the platform.
And I accidentally got between this girl and her friend,
I knew they're friends, I saw 'em talk.
And the one in front me turned to look
for the one behind her and she saw me.
And I meant to be like, "Aw, I'm sorry ma'am,
"I didn't mean to get between ya,
"she was right back there."
But what I said was, "I'm not your friend."
(audience laughs)
It was a very tense walk to the stairs.
I feel like a small guy would be like, "I'm not your friend,
"that's your friend over there."
For me it's like, "Your friend's gone.
"And your next, get in this bag," I had a big bag.
Had a big bag.
(upbeat music)