- But every once in awhile the second-hottest girl
is also the first-ugliest girl.
(audience laughing)
But you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
(audience laughing)
(electronic hip hop music)
Welcome to This is Not Happening presents
World of Blunder.
If you've never been to this show before,
this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
- [Announcer] Give it up for Ari Shaffir.
(audience applauding)
- You're gonna hear a lot of stories
about real degenerate behavior.
I'm most positive.
Comedians are all degens.
We're bad.
We're good people but we're degens.
We have sex with questionable people.
We do a lot of drugs.
But we don't start that way.
We don't start that way.
I started like, as a good person.
I was 28 years old, I'd had sex with two people.
(audience member laughing)
That's not--
(audience laughing)
Jesus.
(audience laughing)
I know, whatever.
(audience laughing)
In college when I was still a virgin,
I would tell all my friends in college,
I'm like, "Masturbation feels the same."
(audience laughing)
They're like, "You're an idiot."
I'm like, "You're an idiot, it's the same thing."
But I was wrong.
(audience laughing)
But there comes this right of passage
that every LA comedian has where you really become
like a full comic.
And it's when Bobby Lee takes you to San Diego.
(audience laughing)
That's when you become a real comedian.
This was summer of 2001.
I was sleeping, Bobby Lee called me one day,
and he goes, "Hey what are you doing right now?"
And I was like, "It's 12:45 on a Wednesday, I'm in bed.
"What should I be doing?"
(audience laughing)
And he goes, "Let's go to San Diego right now,
"We're gonna go to this bar and do spots."
And I'm like, "Yeah, sure I'm in, let's do it."
And he goes, "Oh, also, we gotta go to Tijuana,
"for um, pills."
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, okay cool, that's fine."
(audience laughing)
And then he goes, "Also, you have to drive."
I'm like, "Why do I have to drive?"
(audience laughing)
And he goes, "Cause I'm outta pills,
"and I haven't slept in like three days.
"So it's gonna be dangerous."
So I was like, "Alright, let's do it."
We drive, it's about a two hour drive to San Diego.
What we're gonna do is San Diego, go straight to Tijuana,
get pills, come back, do spots at night.
San Diego is known for two things.
Sea World and girls who love to fuck.
So we're hoping that maybe we can get the latter
after that show.
It's a shitty spot.
I went up first, I bombed horribly.
(audience laughing)
I was not a good comedian.
Bobby went up next, killed, destroyed.
And then after the show, I'm walking around,
he goes, "Ari, I have these two girls I'd like you to meet,
"I talked to them, I'm kinda friendly with them."
I was like, "Were they here during my set?"
And he goes, "No they just got here."
I was like, "Oh, how you doin, Ari Shaffir.
(audience laughing)
"Nice to meet you, I'm really funny."
(audience laughing)
And we started buying em drinks.
We, Bobby Lee started buying em drinks.
He wouldn't have any.
Cause he was at the weird stage of relapse,
you know that where you're like,
"No, I don't drink, that's ridiculous.
"I'll take a bunch of pills, but no, there's a line."
But he's better now.
But so we're talking to these two girls,
it's going pretty well.
There's two of them.
One is like really hot.
Like a San Diego eight.
(audience laughing)
Which is like an LA, seven or nine,
depending on where you are in San Diego.
(audience laughing)
But the other one is disgusting, she's gross.
I describe her face as, "Ugh."
(audience laughing)
And we're all talking, it's fun,
they were researchers at the Scripps Institute.
Which means they were intelligent,
which we didn't care about at all.
(audience laughing)
So it worked out, some point they go to the bathroom,
and Bobby goes, "Which one do you want?"
By the way, girls, that's a normal situation.
(audience laughing)
Just so you know, when you go to the bathroom,
guys are talking about you as if you're a slice of pizza.
(audience laughing)
"Which would you like?"
"I don't care."
(audience laughing)
So Bobby wanted the hot one, I was like,
"Alright, I'll take the uglier one."
By the way, I have this general rule.
My general rule of hitting on people is I never go
for the hottest girl in a group,
I always go for the second-hottest girl.
Cause the hottest girl she's got a big head,
everyone's trying with her, it's too difficult.
Second-hottest girl, she feels insecure,
swoop right in there.
(audience laughing)
But every once in awhile, the second-hottest girl
is also the first-ugliest girl.
(audience laughing)
But you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
(audience laughing)
So I was like, "Alright, I'll take Uggo McGee over there.
"Let's fucking do it."
So everybody's drunk, except Bobby, we're all talking,
we're like, oh they gotta get their bikes,
they chained their bikes up around the corner.
They gotta get their bikes first.
So we're like, "Alright cool, let's get your bikes,
"put em in Bobby's hatchback, we'll drive to the hotel."
We were sharing a room, two different beds.
We get to the bikes, bikes are stolen.
(audience laughing)
Stolen or towed, I don't know, but either way,
the girls started crying.
Like literally, tears streaming out,
they were crying.
Which by the way, crying, that's one of the worst things
for your boner.
(audience laughing)
Unless you're a rapist, you don't want.
(audience laughing)
Like, I'm not gonna lube myself with tears.
(audience laughing)
So Bobby goes, "Well how much were the bikes?"
And the one girl goes, "Mine was $100, and hers was $200."
And Bobby goes, "Oh hey, I'm on MadTV, here."
And he just pulled out four $100 bills.
And he goes, "Will that take care of it?"
And their tears climbed up their face.
(audience laughing)
Defying gravity to go, I literally saw money buy happiness.
(audience laughing)
We went back to the room, but it's weird.
I've had sex with two people at this point,
so it's fucking weird.
I don't know what to do.
There's a guy in the room with you on a separate bed,
you're with your fucking, the Ewok on your bed.
(audience laughing)
And you don't know what to do.
So I'm trying, kiss every once in awhile,
we start making out.
As we're kissing, you just hear him on the other bed,
going, "Can I just touch your elbow?
(audience laughing)
"I would like to brush the back of my hand
"against your shoulder, would that be alright?"
He's even funny when he tries to fuck.
So eventually it got too weird.
So Bobby took a bunch of pillows and the hot girl
and the blankets into this closet, this walk-in closet.
And he went in there to separate.
It was a big closet.
And so me and the girl we hooked up.
And then after about an hour, Bobby came out
and we drove em back to their place, $400 in hand,
not for sex, but it was all fine.
And then Bobby's like, "Oh, so you got laid, huh?"
I was like, "No I didn't get laid."
Cause I knew he didn't.
Cause here's what happened, when he went into the closet,
that girl, the hot girl, immediately is like,
"I'm too drunk don't touch me."
And she fucking went against the corner
and Bobby just had to wait until I was done.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, so he's like, "I didn't get laid,
"but you did, huh?"
I didn't want to make him feel bad so I was like,
"No, no we just messed around,
"we just fooled around a little bit."
And he goes, "You're lying to me."
I'm like, "No, I would never lie to you, Bobby."
(audience laughing)
I was lying to him.
(audience laughing)
But he goes, "I know you're lying."
And this is how he knew, he drove us back to the hotel,
he walked me into that closet.
There was like a heating grate like right there,
looking directly up my bed.
So he's like, "I watched here, I sat and looked,
"I could see this angle pretty much, just like."
(audience laughing)
He was like, "I didn't just see you go,
"I saw you fuck.
"I saw your penis disappear into a vagina,
"And then reappear, and then disappear,
"over and over again."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Well, what did you do?"
And he goes "What could I do?
"I just sat there and watched and masturbated."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Yeah, seems fair."
So, anyway, went to sleep.
The next day, we went to Tijuana to buy pills.
This is how you buy pills in Tijuana by the way,
you don't need a prescription, that's ridiculous.
You show your prescription, they're like,
"I don't know, what do you want me to do with that?"
(audience laughing)
You just point to whatever pills you want,
and they just bring you bottles of those
until you're like, thumbs up.
And they're like,
"Cool, thanks, that was a nice transaction."
But we got the pills and then Bobby goes,
"Hey do you want to go get a prostitute?"
And I was like, "Well who's gonna pay for that?"
And he goes, "MadTV will pay for it.
(audience laughing)
"I'm a full cast member now."
And I was like, "Alright."
How much do you guys think a Tijuana prostitute costs?
How much do you think, you're close.
- 40 pesos.
- 40 pesos!
You don't value pussy at all!
(audience laughing)
What is that like nine cents?
(audience laughing)
40 pesos!
No, it does not.
It costs $500.
No, I'm joking it does not cost $500.
(audience laughing)
This is Mexican girls.
It's $72, that's how much it costs, $72.
And here's the breakdown, if you ever wanted to know.
$60 goes to the girl, I don't know what she does with that.
$11 goes to the hotel room next door,
and that leaves $1 over, for which I consider
the worst job in the world,
the Mexican whore-house clean-up guy.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, for $1 a pop, he goes room to room,
cleaning up love mess.
(audience laughing)
So my girl didn't speak any English,
she pointed at a table, eventually I put money down,
the $80 Bobby gave me, he goes,
"Pre-tip them, they'll do a lot better for you."
And then, but I couldn't get a boner at all.
It was super hot, it was 100 degrees outside,
I'm nervous as shit, she put this condom on me,
and the only English she knew, she goes,
"Too much cerveza?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Yeah, I guess so, I don't know, I only had one.
"I don't think it's that but,
(audience laughing)
"Let's just call it that."
But he paid for it, I didn't want the money to go to waste,
so I just kinda stuffed.
(audience laughing)
You ever see a magician pushing a handkerchief
into this fist?
(audience laughing)
And they're kinda like?
(audience laughing)
Well I used that technology and I just kinda
shoved it all in there.
And just like, uh, yep that counts.
Got my money's worth.
And my numbers went up from two people ever
to four people within 17 hours.
(audience applauding)
And as we were walking back,
we were walking back across the border,
like gentlemen, with pill bottles stuffed up our taints,
like real Americans.
And Bobby turns and says, "Ari, you're now a real comic."
Congratulations.
Thank you everyone.
(audience applauding)
(electronic hip hop music)
That's the episode everybody.
And the season, it's all done.
That's 13 up and 13 down.
Thank you guys all for tuning in,
for sharing 'em on Facebook and on Twitter.
Continue to do that.
Without you guys watching and sharing,
we wouldn't have done these, so fuck yeah.
Next week, there's no comment section.
I mean, there is now, but it won't post anything
cause they'll be no story.
So follow me on Twitter, @AriShaffir,
don't forget to use the hashtag, #ThisIsNotHappening,
and click on the Reddit link to join in the conversation.
Until next season, for everyone who did a story
for This is Not Happening, I'm Ari Shaffir,
thank you and sleep well, America!
And other countries, too, it's YouTube.
(electronic sounds)