Happy dysfunctional family day.
So this year, because of COVID,
I'm sure a lot of us are doing Zoomsgiving.
("Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" by Mozart)
(all clamoring)
But even if it wasn't the end of times,
I'm not sure I would be seeing my family anyway.
Two turkey years ago, I got into a crazy fight with my dad.
- I know.
Anna, come join the family for fun.
- Dad, I told you that my Inuyasha episode
is gonna be done in 15 minutes and I'll join you then.
- The family is at the table now,
ready to have fun and play poker.
Come join us.
- Well then maybe you should have listened
to me two minutes ago and then walked over
in 17 minutes because then I would be there.
- You're gonna come over here and you're
gonna play Texas Hold 'Em with your brother
and your mother--
- Dad, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend right now.
- Don't you wanna be close to your family?
- My therapist says you can either be close to your family,
or you can be happy.
So I spent last Thanksgiving with my friends
and their family.
And you know, I think the holidays are really hard
'cause we go back to our most primal dynamic.
I don't know about you,
but when I'm with my family for any extended period of time,
I revert back into being a full on teenager.
Last year, because of our fight,
I had the pleasure of viewing
my friend's family's dysfunction and it was fascinating.
So first off, my best friends are identical twins
and they're are Indian and Argentinian,
So not only can their own family sometimes
not tell them apart, but they also love
to push the Asian agenda.
- Melissa, congratulations on your marriage.
- Oh, I'm Melissa.
- Oh, Melissa, congratulations on your marriage.
Michelle, are you still single?
- Nope, Auntie, I've been dating someone
for years, actually.
- (gasps) But not married.
- Nope. Not married, Auntie.
- (sighs) Melissa, no children.
- No, I never wanted children, Auntie.
I never did and never will.
- (sighs) And you're both still not doctors?
- Nope, we're artists, Auntie.
- Ah, so you must be starving then.
Oh, come eat up.
Eat up, you pathetic, childless, poor, starving girls.
Come, but don't eat too much.
I don't want you getting plump.
- Well, Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving.
- It was great seeing you. - So good seeing you,
once a year, yeah.
- And watching all these familiar dynamics play out
in front of me, that wasn't personal to me,
was really eye-opening.
I was like, "Wow, it's like they have
the same cast of characters from my family."
They have the self-appointed leader of fun.
- Hello everyone and now it's time for karaoke.
Everyone will sing the songs in the order I have chosen them
and the songs I have chosen.
Melissa, Desperado by the Eagles.
Maddie, Single Ladies by Beyonce.
Anna, I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston.
Shouldn'ta ditched us last year for your boyfriend.
Good luck.
- The incredibly conservative aunt.
- Now let us bow our head and pray as a family.
As a family that believes marriage
is between a man and a woman, Regina,
and who believes children should have more children, Cody.
And that those children should become doctors
and lawyers and not artists, Maria.
Otherwise they will live in shame, amen.
- The relative so old you're not sure
if they're sleeping or if they're dead.
(suspicious music)
- Oh my god, I'll give him CPR!
He's okay, guys, it's okay, he's fine.
Yeah, I, no, you're good.
- The cousin clearly suffering from mental illness.
- Guys blizzard people are here.
They have infiltrated the government.
They are gonna destroy the world as we know it,
the apocalypse is nigh.
- Well actually, maybe that cousin knows something
that we don't cause that all
feels really highly accurate right now, doesn't it?
And after seeing my friends' Thanksgiving,
I felt pretty good.
And I was like, "Wow, every family
has their own dysfunction."
And I think that's normal.
Maybe idealistic nuclear families exist somewhere,
where everyone gets along and laughs
and no one fights during their Monopoly games
that they've been forced to play.
But I don't think so.
And also there's really no point in wishing that I had that
'cause family is the first thing we get born into
where we have no control.
We only get the joy of navigating whatever has been dealt.
So for this Thanksgiving,
pretty sure not gonna see my family
and pretty thankful for that.
(snaps)
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons
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Happy Turkey Day.