- How can we be more likable?
That's a question on a lot of people's minds
and in this video, we're going to look
at some of the pitfalls and common mistakes
that people make when they're trying to be more likable
and we'll look at some concrete ways
that you can begin to connect
with other people more effectively.
So let's get into those details.
(dramatic music)
Hello there and welcome back.
Alex Lyon, and this channel is called Communication Coach.
All the videos here are for emerging leaders
and today's topic is a communication topic,
really how to be more likable,
how to relate better to other people.
There are a lot of benefits to good, positive relationships
and unfortunately many people do the exact wrong things
when they're trying to connect,
so we're gonna look at the three common mistakes
people make to be more likable and then we'll look
at some positive tips to move you in the right direction.
So the first thing that people do wrong here
is really they try to impress people.
So don't try to impress the other people around you.
When that is your mindset, you will tend to do
lots of weird things that actually push people away.
You might get long-winded and tell
lost of stories about yourself.
You might get super self-centered
in how you process a conversation.
You might start one-upping other people
when you're trying to impress them,
so if you hear that they went to a good school,
you might talk about how your school's really good too.
Or you got a raise or promotion,
well I got a raise or promotion too.
And you start trying to one-up them and compete with them
to impress them and that will push people away.
We don't want to be around one-uppers.
We wanna be around people who talk to us as equals.
The second thing to avoid is you
don't want to debate people in conversations.
Nobody wants to be put down and to feel
like you're competing with them in the moment.
Now, a lot of people like to debate,
a lot of people like to talk
about those controversial topics
and mix it up and that's fine,
but this video is not about how to win a debate.
This video is about how to be more likable
and we tend to not like other people
when they're trying to prove us wrong.
We like people who have an open style of communication,
so don't try to win and beat the other person
into submission through arguing with them.
The third thing that people
do to try to connect is to complain.
Now it sounds weird,
why would they try to complain to connect?
Maybe you've been standing in a long line
and you start complaining to the person next to you,
boy, this is a long line, or the weather is horrible
and you start complaining about that.
There's some weird momentary satisfaction
where you get to bond over the bad weather
or the long line, but really in the long run,
we don't want to be around people who are complaining
and frustrated because that starts to be a cost on us.
In fact, all three of these topics to avoid,
practices to avoid, our costs.
When you interact with people like this,
they're going to measure the costs.
And then the next time they see you coming
or have an opportunity to interact with you,
they probably will decide not to.
So really I wanna boil it down to this main point
of this video as we transition to the positive tips,
and that is the best way to make friends is to be a friend.
That's an old expression that I heard many years ago.
You've probably heard it, but it really is a life lesson.
The best way to make friends is to be a friend.
And the idea there is we wanna be the kind of friend
that we would want.
You wanna think about what you can offer
in a conversation, in an interaction,
not what you can get from the person.
You wanna think about how you can be a blessing.
We tell my son before he goes off to school
or somewhere in the morning, we say,
be a blessing to other people,
look for ways that you can benefit other people.
So we're gonna talk about five ways
that you can be more likable by being a giver
in the conversation instead of a taker.
And the first tip is to take an interest in other people.
Take a genuine interest in the lives
of the people around you.
Get curious about their lives.
Ask them questions about how things are going
and really, really ask honest questions,
don't just do it to win points.
Get genuinely curious about how their life is going.
Communicate with empathy where you put yourself
in their shoes.
In fact, I have a whole other video on how to communicate
with empathy and I will put a link to that
in the description below this video.
That's tip number one, take an interest,
a genuine interest in other people.
Number two be easy to talk to.
You want to be low maintenance.
You don't want to be high maintenance.
You wanna be genuine, open and avoid the kind of moves
you see people make where they're crabby about things
and they insist on that things happen in a certain way
in the conversation or in the interaction
or in the plans that evening.
You wanna be easy to talk to, be easy to be around.
Don't be the kind of person who sends the food back
at a restaurant three times
because they can't get it just right.
You wanna be easy and low maintenance, not high maintenance.
Number three, listen more and talk less.
A lot of times, like I mentioned,
when we're trying to impress people,
we tend to get really long-winded.
But what you wanna do is go almost entirely
into listening mode for long stretches in conversations,
so really pay attention, close your mouth
the best you can, make direct eye contact,
smile, nod, really give those non-verbals.
Listen completely and don't worry about you'll say next,
just be in the moment.
The entire field of counseling and therapy
is driven by good listening on the part of the therapist
and people really like to talk to their therapist
because that therapist will listen to them.
And very few people genuinely listen anymore,
so this is something you give to people.
You're more likable simply by listening to them.
It's really amazing.
So number four is look for common ground.
In conversations, again, you don't wanna be all
self-centered about you.
Look for things that you share in common,
so if you both have a similar sports interest,
talk about that.
If you both have similar movie or TV show interest,
you could talk about that.
As you're talking to people, look for those common areas
that you both share, those common interests
that you both get excited about and talk about that.
I struck up a friendship at work now many years ago
because I found out that he likes to play the game chess.
He liked to play and then I found out he liked to play,
I like to play, so then during our breaks and over lunch
at work we would sometimes play chess together
because we looked for common ground
and it helped build a friendship there.
And the fifth tip is probably the most valuable one.
It'll take all the others and amplify them.
Follow up.
So if in a conversation your friend is telling you
that he or she has a new job and they don't know how
it's gonna go, in the next conversation ask them,
hey, how's that new job going?
I remember you said you were concerned about it.
How's that transitioning working out?
If your friend injured his or her shoulder
in a mountain biking accident and you see them
a week or two later, say, hey, how's your shoulder feeling?
How's that injury going?
I know it was pretty radical.
What's going on?
How do you feel?
They will be really thrilled that you remembered
something about them.
People, you know, we don't have great memories,
we're so distracted nowadays, but if you follow up,
it'll show that you really were genuinely interested
in them in the first place.
Now let's talk about application.
What can you do with this?
Well, I wanna keep it really simple.
I want you to pick one person in your life
and practice these tips to be more likable.
Avoid doing the things we talked about avoiding
and take some of the tips to be more likable
with just that one person and I suggest you start at home.
So if you live with a family, for example,
be more likable with your mom or dad or your spouse
or your brothers and sisters, or if you have any kids,
be more likable with your kids and try these tips out,
put them into practice.
Now a little bit of word of warning.
Don't expect that these things are gonna work in an instant.
Relationships are an investment, they take time,
but I really do believe in the expression
the best way to make friends is to be a friend.
There's really no other way it's done well
and done consistently over time.
You have to be a giver in there relationships
to be more likable.
You can't be a taker, so take a look at these tips again
and start putting them into practice.
So, thanks, God bless and I will see you in the next video.