Transcriber: Mihaela Niță Reviewer: Helena Bedalli
My dad built roads, highways.
The thing about building roads is that
there has to be a specific place it starts,
and a very specific place that it ends.
Constructing our own maps to success
are more complex.
For women, our own road map to wholehearted success
is rarely straight and narrow.
We women are at a turning point.
We are ready to birth something new.
We want to lead lives
that make a difference and are fulfilled.
For many of us that means
becoming the entrepreneur of our own life.
So that it becomes more authentic, meaningful, and expansive.
Women are particularly well suited for reinvention.
It's no accident that our bodies are designed to create.
We have the potential to give birth,
not just to life,
but to whole new paradigms,
and to ourselves, renewed.
We're also really well suited for the challenges of these times.
Strengths like collaboration,
empathy,
humility,
flexibility,
compassion,
connectivity
are a new competitive advantage.
These are strengths that are basic capacities in human beings,
but actually hard-wired into us as women.
This is an exciting time to be a woman.
We sense it,
we're told it,
we're hungry for it.
But the paradox is, as we heard study after study that show
greater employment and educational opportunities
correspond to decreases in life happiness overall for women
as compared to men.
The New York Times reported
that one in four women between the ages of 40 and 50
are on antidepressants,
as compared to one in ten Americans.
The faster we go,
the busier we go,
the harder it gets,
the more stressed out we are.
When I was --
her -- (Laughter)
I'm still her, really.
When I was about 19,
someone asked me what did I want to be.
I remember answering
"I want to be wise, I want to be happy."
But if The Economist magazine is correct in stating
that women are the most underutilized resource in the world,
how then do we unleash our creative potentials
in a way that doesn't sacrifice our happiness?
We have the strength and capacity to lean in and succeed.
It's just that the map we've inherited
doesn't take us where we really want to go.
I can tell you that from personal experience.
When I was about 23,
I had surpassed goals that I didn't even know I had.
I lived in a beautiful house overlooking the San Francisco Bay,
I found this passionate work that I loved
of bringing the tools of the human potential movement into business,
a handsome doctor wanted to marry me,
and with all that,
there was some part of me that said
"This isn't enough."
Deep down I felt I wasn't enough.
And then, one morning,
I woke up and couldn't move.
Every muscle seared in my body.
I was immediately diagnosed with lupus,
a life-threatening blood disease,
and told I would have it for the rest of my life.
I had chronic joint pain, deep fatigue,
I was in and out of the hospital with acute pain,
and yet, the real pain, far beyond that,
was the pain I experienced from my own inner judge,
because I could no longer live up to the type A personality,
or the type A self image that I thought I should have.
I berated myself.
"It's your fault you got sick."
"You've ruined everything."
"You're worthless."
"You're a failure."
Lupus is an autoimmune disease
where your body misreads its own tissue and attacks itself.
What a metaphor for what I was experiencing.
How could I become that I was a foreigner to myself?
I was attacking myself on all fronts.
This sent me on a quest.
First, I just wanted to alleviate the suffering in my brain.
The thing was that negative voice had been there all along,
but now it was shouting at me.
So it set me on a quest to want to understand who I really was.
So besides conventional medicine,
I tried all kinds of alternative modalities.
I primal-screamed,
I reiki-ed,
I did bio-energetics,
I did NLP,
I'm from Marin, okay?
(Laughter)
I did on and on all those things.
Therapy, twelve step programs,
I had monks Om over me.
(Laughter)
And while I admit a lot of that did a lot of good for me,
I was approaching my illness in the masculine way.
"I'm going to get this thing beat."
For so long my masculine had ruled over my feminine.
And I could operate the masculine paradigm really well.
It's just that this thing I couldn't control.
I needed a whole new way of being.
I needed a new road map.
[Horizontal Realm]
So let's take a look at why
the current cultural map to success is obsolete.
The masculine linear path to success
is about ticking off milestones.
Good grades,
get the diploma,
get a good job,
get a life partner,
get a nice house.
And then get an upgrade on all of that.
(Laughter)
The problem with that
is it's oriented around getting all A's.
Accolades,
acquisitions,
achievement,
and approval.
This drive comes from a sense of insufficiency inside.
You know, that there is not enough,
that we haven't achieved enough,
that we're not enough.
It's an insatiable hunger.
Also, the culture's overemphasis on productivity is a demanding task master
which prioritizes perfectionism over wholeness,
and efficiency over love.
Deep down inside we know
that external and material success on its own is failure.
Without personal fulfillment, it's failure.
Fortunately, the horizontal realm is built in
with expansive experiences that take us
out of the horizontal realm and the mundane of life,
and remind us of who we really are.
These heightened moments we've all experienced,
these are experiences like
enjoying the wonder of something that you see,
witnessing some random act of kindness,
watching the birth of a child,
or falling in love.
These are things that we experience all the time,
but they take us out of the horizontal realm
and they remind us of the truth of who we are,
the aliveness of who we are.
We've all had them.
They give us a glimpse of the grandeur of life and our part in it.
[Vertical Realm]
We're also opened up to the vertical realm
through painful OW experiences,
which I'm sure you're all familiar with, too.
These can shatter us to our core,
a change shakes us,
someone or something we love or hold dear dies,
a diagnosis, our dream dies,
we lose our way.
But both of these open us up to a vulnerability
that does connect us to more of who we really are.
And it makes us long for something enduring
and a heightened perspective.
So we've looked at what motivates us on the horizontal path.
Now, let's look at what motivates us on the vertical path,
our feminine energy.
To know our true selves,
to source our self-compassion and sufficiency,
to follow our deepest desires,
and to open to an expansive awe-filled journey.
Because it's not about a destination,
it's about being present enough in the moment
to really experience the incredibleness of our lives.
One thing I want to say about that,
you don't get to go to the vertical realm
until you are perforated by life.
I got an OW wake-up call at 23.
Most women get it later in life.
I find, and I coached for over two decades Fortune 500 executives
and powerful women like you,
I see a theme,
and that is at a certain point in life the horizontal realm dead-ends.
The motivation that got us to where we are in life, actually expires.
Also, we find
that it's not going to get us up and out of bed in the morning.
When the expiration date came due for me,
I literally could not move.
For many women,
they can't drag themselves out of bed in the morning.
They just aren't as excited about the things
that they were excited about before.
And if you keep doing it, once you've hit that point,
it can really keep you stuck doing things that are really not yours to do.
Fortunately, when that motivation ends, another one is born.
I like her.
(Laughter)
The desire to give our gifts
from the core of who we are,
the passion who we are,
on behalf of all that we're meant to be.
When we start to identify with that desire,
our destiny changes.
Not to downplay the value and importance of the horizontal realm,
because in the horizontal realm
we learn competence
and masculine strengths
like rigor
and analysis, and --
(Laughter)
focus,
and action.
These are so important.
We get stuff done, right?
We all know how to do this.
On the feminine path we are invited to learn
other capacities that we have inherent to us.
We learn consciousness.
It invites consciousness,
and we learn and develop feminine strengths like these:
receptivity, connectivity, self-acceptance, intuition, letting go.
But our culture prizes masculine strengths.
The thing is,
it's only when we put our masculine strengths
in service to our feminine heart
that we access authentic power.
When we're centered in our feminine,
we can tell the difference between the voice of the inner critic
and our true voice.
When we let the feminine lead,
we choose goals that align with our values,
and advance the collective good.
What if, no matter where your intuition told you to go,
you knew you had your back?
Might you be a little braver?
What if you could pause more often in your days
to sense into the next right thing,
rather than rushing through them?
What if you could be both strong and open,
connected and assertive?
Neither masculine, nor feminine are good on their own.
You know, speed without wise direction is dangerous.
Right?
But when two opposing forces meet, spirals ensue.
Ta da!
(Laughter)
When you trace a path that moves
from the horizontal line of competence
to the vertical line of consciousness,
and integrates the feminine and the masculine,
what you find is an upward spiral.
The most wide spread shape in nature.
A spiral is present in everything,
from the structure of our DNA, to the solar system.
It's an archetypal symbol of transformation,
evolution and transcendence.
It represents the way
the conscious life force within all living things
moves inward toward the center,
and at the same time outward, toward the larger universe.
It represents the inner journey that we're all on
as the AWE's and the OW's of life
develop us and open us to our true potential.
When our masculine serves our feminine on a spiral up path,
we are supported by the universe,
empowered by our vulnerability,
agents of our destiny,
and led to the next right thing.
This way we create an individual road map
from our own definition and experience of success and fulfillment.
It's unique to us.
Women are not meant to march on a linear path to success.
We are meant to live wholeheartedly
and expand outward, rather that one-dimensionally.
This path of courageous reinvention
is seldom validated by our culture,
and it's often easily trampled,
and even sabotaged.
What surprises most women is that
when you follow this path where your true self leads,
you don't have to pursue success,
it comes to you.
And we don't need to be able to see five miles down the road
to know where to go.
We only need to be able to know what the next right thing is for us.
And when we're connected to our wise and quiet wisdom,
and we're connected to our wholeness,
we know instinctively what that is.
My good friend Maryann is an extraordinary mother.
It was the day of her eight year old daughter's recital
and she found Ariana sobbing hysterically on the bed
"I can't go, I won't go, don't make me!"
Maryanne, in her wise way, sat down and rubbed her daughter's back,
and she said,
"It's okay honey, you don't have to go.
We could stay here.
What would that be like?"
"I don't know."
And she said,
"Or we could go, we could get up and go right now."
Ariana thought about it and bolted upright in bed.
She said "I have to go! I want to go!"
(Laughter)
She ran to the bathroom, washed her face,
they drove to the recital, and she played beautifully.
We can talk to ourselves gently this way.
We can trust that underneath whatever
fear, anxiety or emotions are there,
that there is a wise, knowing self underneath.
We don't have to believe our feelings,
we can let them in and out,
and not be gripped or defined by them.
And either choice would have been fine for Ariana,
she could have gone or not.
But something in her little heart knew
that it was important for her.
When we give ourselves the choice between yes or no,
we give ourselves permission to say yes or no,
it's often the courageous part of us that steps up.
And the universe loves bravery.
When we step on the open road, the uncharted path,
we will meet fear and self-doubt.
Fear is always fear about the unknown.
What you have to know is that it's not personal.
It's the brain's negativity bias to keep us safe.
The problem is, if you succumb to fear,
it will have you not take the risks that you need to take
in order to fulfill your purpose and your unique path.
It also shuts us off to synchronicity.
Right person, right place, right thing.
When a woman steps on the spiral path,
she begins to attract
the circumstances and experiences she needs that align with her values.
We see the sign post
and are guided towards what really is important to us.
Right person, right place, next right thing.
Yes, we must lean in.
But if we're leaning in to a masculine defined success,
we risk the danger of having to opt out,
or falling over in burnout.
We have to ask ourselves the next question.
What are we leaning into?
And what essential feminine wisdom and power
will we draw from for our source of strength?
Or will we drive the masculine values
ever faster down the road to a place of unhappiness for us?
When I followed what had heart and meaning for me,
I had an incredible uplift.
Today I'm lupus free,
my life is filled with blessings,
and I am more fulfilled that I've ever been.
I'm also inspired by my commitment to help women thrive,
not just for themselves,
but in service to life itself.
When we open to the AWE's and the OW's of life,
not just the joys, but the pain of the world,
it ignites the courage and ferocity in us to do something about it.
But our real work is in remaining open.
When we do, we realize and we see
that we're not alone at all,
we're not separate,
we're part of something much bigger.
We use our power to change the systems around us,
to bend the world with our will for the greater good.
We are pioneering a new map
for personal and professional fulfillment.
It isn't about destination,
it's about navigating life's waves
so that we live well,
love fully,
and make a difference.
On the spiral path we are led to the next right thing.
Not just for ourselves,
but for our loved ones,
for our families,
for our communities,
and for the greater world.
One question for you.
Are you ready to leave the straight path behind?
Are you, are we ready to spiral up on a path of power and grace?
I think we are.
Thank you.
(Applause)