(pensive intro music)
(exciting game show intro music, cheering audience) IAN-RUFUS TODD: Welcome back to "Are You a Pedophile!"
with IAN-RUFUS TODD! The longest-running talk show in the city of Brain!
(cheering and applause)
IAN: Tonight's guest needs no introduction,
you've seen her every episode since we piloted in 2019.
Let's hear it for POOKIE O'YOUNG!
(cheering and applause)
IAN: It's so lovely to see you, POOKIE.
POOKIE O'YOUNG: Thanks, IAN. Wish I could say the same...
(audience giggles)
IAN: This must be your 1345th time on Are You a Pedophile!
You must love this show very much. I mean, why else would you keep coming back?
POOKIE: I don't know. Whenever I take public transit to go somewhere,
like to school or work, I wind up here instead.
It's been like this for 4 years, and I don't know why.
(audience laughs at POOKIE)
IAN: That's lovely, POOKIE, but I think we're more interested in playing something else.
Say it with me, everyone!
(chanting) ARE! YOU! A PEDOPHILE!
(audience whoops and cheers)
POOKIE: IAN, we've been through this before. I'm not a pedophile.
IAN: Oh really? How would you know that?
POOKIE: In the entire 20 years of my life, I've never been attracted to children.
POOKIE: I wouldn't even date someone a year younger- IAN: Then why were you touching yourself this morning
IAN: to an erotic story featuring 18-year-olds?
(audience cackles)
POOKIE: W-Why are you even broadcasting my sex life on national TV?
I-is that even legal?? I never even gave you my consent! This is a huge breach of privacy!
IAN: Why would you care about privacy? If you're not a pedophile, you wouldn't have anything to hide.
(audience laughs)
POOKIE: Alright, if you wanna play that game, fine. 18 and 20 is just a 2-year age difference.
The 18-year-olds in the story were also college students.
Besides, 18 passes the "half your age plus seven" rule.
I had plenty of 18-year-old friends who have dated people who are 21 or 22.
POOKIE: It's widely socially acceptable- IAN: I thought you just said that you wouldn't even date
IAN: someone a year younger than you. Are you a liar?
Because lying is something a secret pedophile would do.
(audience hoots and wheezes with laughter)
POOKIE: I can literally list off a bunch of reasons right now why I know I'm not a pedo.
For example, I work at a soccer camp, and I have never wanted to date,
POOKIE: let alone sleep with, any of the kids there- IAN: Hey, I remember this one kid at soccer camp
IAN: who you really like. KEITH, right? Yeah, how's KEITH doing?
(audience laughs)
POOKIE: Um, KEITH is doing great, thank you- IAN: Do you like him more than as a friend?
(audience roars)
POOKIE: ...He's 11. I'm 20. That's extremely predatory.
There's no way I'd like him like that.
IAN: Really? Because when you hugged him last week, your hug lasted 3.5 seconds.
The average hug is 3 seconds.
Were you using that extra half-second to feel his body?
(audience giggles and hoots)
POOKIE: Uh- how is that even relevant?! I don't wanna talk about this!
IAN: Okay, you don't have to talk about it.
POOKIE: (frustrated sigh) Thank you-
IAN: Instead we'll play a game where you don't have to say anything.
We're gonna show a bunch of pictures onscreen.
Here's a bell. (audience roars and guffaws)
(rings bell to demonstrate) and you ring it whenever you think a kid is attractive.
(audience continues cackling)
POOKIE: Oh my God... uh... I don't know if I'm gonna do this.
IAN: Yeah, you will.
(audience laughs even more)
POOKIE: For the millionth time, I don't want to diddle ki-
IAN: What do you think of... Bachelor #1?
(a photo of KEITH is projected onscreen. The audience roars and hoots their lungs out.)
POOKIE: I DON'T LIKE HIM! IAN: Okay, next.
(audience shrieks even louder)
IAN: (chuckles) You're supposed to ring it.
POOKIE: (voice breaking) But I don't want to, I don't want to, I DON'T WANT TO!
I HATE PEDOS!
IAN: Alright, you don't have to.
IAN: Here, just give me the bell. POOKIE: Alright, just take it-
(IAN rings the bell with a cruel, sick smile. The audience screams and bellows with laughter.)
POOKIE: (sobbing) Stop it stop it sTOP IT STOP!
(choking on tears) Why do you have to make me feel so bad about myself?!
Every time I come up here, you put more disgusting images on the screen,
and it just makes me question what I stand for, as a person!
(gasping) Why does your show have to be OBSESSED with disgusting things?!
Why can't there ever be happy things on here whenever I visit?!
IAN: Well, last time I checked, my show was called, "Are You a Pedophile," not "Are You a Happy Person."
I'm providing an important service for society
IAN: by catching pedophiles- POOKIE: YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO CATCH PEDOS!
POOKIE: You're just milking clout off people with OCD by gaslighting us for entertainment!
(tearfully) We're not village idiots for you and your audience of sickos to laugh at!
(audience boos POOKIE)
IAN: What makes you think you have OCD? Are you faking mental illness to be trendy?
Do you think it's funny, or cute? You're not even diagnosed with anything.
(audience laughs at POOKIE)
POOKIE: I don't need a diagnosis to know there's something wrong with me!
I don't think normal people get invited onto this show as much as I do!
IAN: I dunno, POOKIE, you seem pretty normal to me.
You have perfect grades, you play nationally competitive soccer,
IAN: I don't see how there's anything wrong with- POOKIE: STOP USING MY ACHIEVEMENTS
POOKIE: TO INVALIDATE MY MENTAL HEALTH!
I really think I have undiagnosed OCD!
(audience jeers at POOKIE)
IAN: No you don't.
Doesn't OCD just mean that you're obsessed with being clean, or neat and tidy...?
You obviously aren't those things. You clearly haven't showered in days!
(audience erupts into laughter)
IAN: I can smell you from here!
(audience guffaws even harder)
IAN: And you know what you smell like?
A PEDOPHILE!
(audience shrieks, roars, and cackles. POOKIE breaks into cartoonish, hysterical sobs.)
IAN: Thank you so much, everyone! That's our show. (game show outro music begins playing)
Tune in next time for another episode of:
"Are You a Pedophile!"
(audience bursts into cheering and applause. POOKIE continues to snivel and weep ridiculously.)
(hopeful outro music)