WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I HOPE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAD A FANTASTIC WEEKEND. IT WAS EVIE AND MY 29th
ANNIVERSARY YESTERDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T HAVE A WATCHED A MOVIE. GOOD
WEEKEND? RUSSIAN PRESIDENT AND GUY
WORKING THE TELETHON WHO'S DEATHLY AFRAID OF PHONES,
VLADIMIR PUTIN. FRIDAY WAS PUTIN'S 70th
BIRTHDAY, AND UKRAINE GAVE HIM A REALLY SPECIAL GIFT-- THEY BLEW
UP THE BRIDGE CONNECTING RUSSIA TO CRIMEA!
BOOM!
VLAD. THIS IS REALLY PERSONAL FOR
HE TOOK THIS REALLY PUTIN. PERSONALLY.
CRIMEA IN 2014, HE PERSONALLY AFTER ILLEGALLY ANNEXING ORDERED
THE CONSTRUCTION OF THIS $3.7 BILLION BRIDGE, AND OPENED
IT HIMSELF, DUBBING IT THE "BRIDGE OF DREAMS."
JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE. REMEMBER THIS FAMOUS SCENE?
>> IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL BLOW IT UP.
( LAUGHTER )
ALSO. WHO WAS THAT TALKING?
WHO WAS THAT? NEVER SEEN THAT MOVIE.
HEARD VERY GOOD THINGS. THIS BRIDGE ALSO HAS ENORMOUS
BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY DIRECT STRATEGIC SIGNIFICANCE, ROAD AND
RUSSIA TO CRIMEA, AND WITHOUT RAIL ROUTE FROM MAINLAND IT, THE
RUSSIAN MILITARY WILL BE SEVERELY LIMITED IN ITS ABILITY
TO BRING FUEL, EQUIPMENT, AND AMMUNITION TO RUSSIAN UNITS.
HEY, RUSSIAN TROOPS, GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR SINGLE RUSTY RIFLE
AND A BASKET OF SHARPENED TURNIPS NOW!
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ESPECIALLY EMBARRASSING
BECAUSE THE KREMLIN HAS LONG BRAGGED ABOUT THE BRIDGE'S
INVINCIBILITY, BECAUSE IT WAS GUARDED BY FIGHTER JETS,
DIVERS, AND-- THIS IS TRUE-- FIGHTING DOLPHINS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS MY-- EEEE! UNFORTUNATELY FOR RUSSIA, THE
BRIDGE WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A TRUCK BOMB, WHICH SOMEHOW EVADED
RUSSIA'S CRACK SQUAD OF DOLPHIN TRUCKERS.
( LAUGHTER )
ATTACKS AGAINST UKRAINIAN CIVILIAN TARGETS.
BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE, BECAUSE-- AND I WANT EVERYONE TO
BREATHE, STAY CALM WHEN I SAY THIS-- PUTIN HAS NUKES.
BIDEN WARNED THAT WE PRESENTLY IN FACT, THURSDAY NIGHT, FACE
THE MOST SERIOUS "PROSPECT OF ARMAGEDDON SINCE KENNEDY AND
THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS." THAT IS SCARY.
JOE BETTER GET THOSE NUCLEAR CODES BACK FROM MAR-A-LAGO.
( APPLAUSE )
THE LAST WEEK THE DEPARTMENT IT'S NOT REASSURING. OF
HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SPENT $290 MILLION ON A DRUG TO TREAT
RADIATION SICKNESS, WHICH THEY CLAIM IS COINCIDENTAL.
YEAH. YEAH, SOUNDS SO COINCIDENTAL.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "YEAH, A LOT OF BEEFY MEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
TRACE. ANYWAY, WHO WANTS MEAT HAVE DISAPPEARED WITH NO PIES?
I HAVE A SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT." NUCLEAR WAR-- I KNOW IT'S A DARK
JOKE. IT'S A VERY DARK JOKE.
BUT THESE ARE THE TIMES WE LIVE IN.
NUCLEAR WAR ISN'T THE ONLY THING ON BIDEN'S MIND.
THE NEXT DAY, HE WENT TO MARYLAND TO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT
THE ECONOMY, AND HERE'S HOW THAT WENT.
>> LET ME START OFF WITH TWO WORDS: MADE IN AMERICA.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TWO WORDS
YOU: "WHAT THE (BLEEP)?"
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I REGRET TO INFORM YOU ONCE AGAIN
IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT WRAP RAPPER AND ALSO REYNOLD RAPPER,
FOR YEARS, WEST HAS BEEN KANYE WEST. SLOWLY
DESCENDING INTO MAGA MADNESS, AND THIS WEEKEND, AFTER YEARS OF
SILENCE ON TWITTER, HE RETURNED TO THE APP AND TWEETED DEATH
THREATS AT JEWISH PEOPLE IN GENERAL, THEN MIDTWEET, SEEMING
TO SENSE THE BACKLASH, TRIED TO RATIONALIZE HIS
ANTI-SEMITISM BY PRE-BUTTING: "THE FUNNY THING IS I ACTUALLY
CAN'T BE ANTI-SEMITIC BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY JEW."
AH, YES, THE CLASSIC EXCUSE OF "I CAN'T BE ANTISEMITIC.
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE JEWISH.
AND SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE ME.
AND ME HAVE SOME INTERESTING IDEAS ABOUT JEW."
( LAUGHTER )
BEEN ACTING ERRATICALLY FOR A WHILE.
THIS VILE ACT OF ANTI-SEMITISM IS SOMETHING ANYONE WITH A BRAIN
COULD SEE COMING, WHICH IS WHY SO MANY ON THE RIGHT CHOSE NOT
TO SEE THIS COMING, INCLUDING THE G.O.P. HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE, WHICH LAST WEEK, AFTER YE WORE A T-SHIRT THAT
SAID "WHITE LIVES MATTER," TWEETED:
"KANYE. ELON. THE FORMER "KANYE. ELON. THE FORMER
PRESIDENT." WHAT IS, "THREE PEOPLE I WOULD
TRAP IN A PORTA POTTY AND ROLL IT DOWN A HILL?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( DING )
CONGRESSPEOPLE WHO EMBRACED IT WASN'T JUST G.O.P. YE.
IT WAS ALSO THE LEADER OF THE PARTY, TUCKER CARLSON.
LAST WEEK, "ER" HAD YE ON FOR AN INTERVIEW TO TALK ABOUT HOW IT
FEELS TO BE A PERSECUTED MAGA REPUBLICAN.
>> IT DROVE ME CRAZY TO NOT BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I LIKED TRUMP.
THINK ABOUT IT. IT'S ME.
IMAGINE ME NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY WHAT I WANTED.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HOLD IT. LET ME IMAGINE IT.
( APPLAUSE )
EVERYTHING-- EVERYTHING FEELS I GOT-- I GOT CHILLS. SO
GOOD. I'M SORRY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?
NOTHING? AHHH.
( APPLAUSE )
FRIENDS," WHO SAID THIS AFTER AFTER, I WANT TO POINT OUT,
AFTER KANYE HAD TWEETED DEATH THREATS AT ALL JEWISH PEOPLE.
>> WELL, THERE IS NO QUESTION THAT KANYE, OR YE, WAS GOING TO
HAVE TO BE TAKEN DOWN AFTER WHAT HAPPENED IN THE TUCKER CARLSON
INTERVIEW AFTER WEARING THAT SHIRT.
THE TARGET IS OVER HIM. >> JUST TOTALLY UNSURPRISING.
YOU COULD SEE IT COMING FROM A MILE AWAY.
THIS GUY WILL BE THE TARGET OF BIG TECH BECAUSE HE'S TOO
DANGEROUS, TOO MUCH OF A FREE THINKER.
>> Stephen: YES, YE'S A FREE THINKER.
ONLY SOMEONE COMPLETELY FREE OF THOUGHT WOULD CALL THIS A SHOE.
BUT LATER IN THAT VERY SAME SHOW, THE "FOX & FRIENDS"
FINALLY DECIDED TO READ ABOUT THE THING THEY WERE COMPLAINING
ABOUT ON TV. AND LET'S SAY, I HOPE THEY
DIDN'T PULL A HAMMY BACK-PEDALING THIS FAST:
>> UNFORTUNATE. >> PRETTY UGLY.
>> IT'S UGLY, YEAH. >> WE TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER
WITHOUT KNOWING ABOUT THESE TWEETS AND SAYING, OF COURSE,
TARGET-- AFTER WHAT HE SAID THEY'RE GOING TO PUT A WITH TUCKER,
THERE'S GOING TO BE A TARGET ON HIM ,NO DOUBT.
BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE, I MEAN, HE BROUGHT THE TARGET.
>> Stephen: AH-AH-AH! KANYE IS YOUR FREE THINKER!
YOU THREW A PITY PARTY AND INVITED THE GUY WHO ALWAYS POOPS
IN THE PUNCH BOWL. NOW YOU GOTTA DRINK IT!
L'CHAIM!
OVER THE WEEKEND FEATURING PENNSYLVANIA SENATE CANDIDATE
AND STRIP CLUB PATRON WHO'S CLEARLY FORGOTTEN THE GIRLS ARE
PAID TO TALK TO HIM, DR. OZ. LAST WEEK AT A FUNDRAISER, OZ'S
CAMPAIGN HAD A MESSAGING ISSUE WHEN HE DELIVERED A SPEECH IN
FRONT OF ADOLF HITLER'S CAR. THAT IS HORRIBLE, BUT IT DOES
EXPLAIN HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "OZ FOR A NEW GERMANY,"
"I MEAN NEW JERSEY. I MEAN PENNSYLVANIA!
GO EAGLES! BUT NOT THE HITLER ONE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE EVENT OCCURRED AT THE HOME OF HITLER'S CAR, THE LYON AIR
MUSEUM IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. OKAY, COUPLE OF PROBLEMS.
FIRST, HITLER. SECOND, "AIR MUSEUM"?
CARS DON'T FLY. UNLESS IT WAS THESTAR OF THE
ILL-ADVISED CHILDREN'S MOVIE, "NAZI, NAZI, BANG, BANG."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE COLIN FARRELL AND BRENDAN GLEESON, AND COMEDIAN
PAUL MECURIO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪