- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the host of today's show, Jay Leno.
(audience cheering) (upbeat music)
- Thank you very much!
(audience cheering) (upbeat music)
Thank you.
That's very kind.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I can see your disappointment,
you cover it well, but thank you, thank you.
Well, let me tell you, Kelly is taking a personal day.
She's a mom and we're getting to the holidays.
When you have kids, you guys all know how that works.
So she asked grandpa Jay to come in,
and fill in a little bit.
Now, some of you might know, Kelly and I have history.
Not that kind of history.
(audience laughs)
Mine was the first talk show she ever did.
And when she got this show, she called me and said,
"What advice do you have?"
So I kind of passed on some of the advice
that Johnny Carson gave me, and it served us both very well.
One of my favorite things that Johnny told me was,
he said, "No good deed goes unpunished."
You ever heard that expression?
(audience murmurs in agreement)
And I never really understood what that meant.
Tell me what I did wrong here, okay.
I'm going to tell you something
that happened to me a couple months ago.
I'm helping my wife at the dry cleaner.
I'm carrying all this stuff in the dry cleaner,
and I put it on the counter,
and my wife is one of those people who likes
to explain every stain to the dry cleaner.
Well, this is red,
when the Harringtons came over this.
(Jay mumbles) (audience laughs)
I said, "Honey, I'm gonna wait in the car."
So I'm waiting in the car.
So I'm sitting in my car, and over here,
first I hear a woman admonishing a child.
"I told you to behave!"
Unruly four or five-year-old, I guess.
I look over and I see,
the car's kind of filthy,
like it's been under a tree or something.
And I hear the woman yell at the kid,
and I notice the two rear doors are open.
And on the ground, on the passenger's side,
a big pile of clothes.
On the ground, on the driver's side,
a big pile of clothes.
The trunk is open,
a big pile of clothes on the ground there,
with bedding and stuff.
And one of those big-wheel bikes sticking out of the trunk.
And I go, "Boy, this looks kind of bad."
So I'm watching this right, I reach in my pocket,
I got a $20 bill.
So as I go up to the lady as she's yelling at the kid,
I go, "Hey, can I give you a helping hand there?"
She goes, "What?"
I said, "Can I give you a helping hand?"
She goes, "Jay,
"you know my husband owns the dry cleaner, right?"
(audience laughs)
I go, "What are you talking about?"
She goes, "What'd you think, we're homeless?"
(audience laughs)
I said, "Well, quite honestly, yeah, I did, I mean"--
(audience laughs)
I said "The clothes are on the ground,
"and the car's kind of dirty."
And now she's just getting madder.
(audience laughs)
So I'm trying to talk.
And then I see my wife come out with the dry cleaner.
And the dry cleaner goes, "Hi honey!"
She goes, "Maybe if you got the car washed last week,
like I told you, people wouldn't think we're homeless."
(audience laughs)
"Well who thinks we're homeless?"
"Jay Leno!"
Now my wife is mad, the guy is mad, the woman.
What did I do wrong, exactly?
But enough about, look,
we're all getting ready for the holidays.
You're excited about Thanksgiving, Christmas, the whole--
(audience cheering)
I have a memorable Thanksgiving story.
This seems like, we're pretty close to the holiday.
(laughs) Did you ever see your mom just lose it?
(audience laughs)
The first time I was nine years old,
and my mom was in Scotland.
Very strict woman, very stoic.
No Jamie, you sit still, you be quiet.
All that kind of thing, you know?
And my mom married my dad, who was an Italian guy.
And when you're Italian, every meal,
especially Thanksgiving.
My mother went through three ovens in 12 years.
Literally burned them out, just cooking meals.
So she's getting ready for Thanksgiving.
Up at five-thirty, basting the turkey,
and candied yams, and making the stuffing, and lasagna.
My mom would make her own pasta and then cut it.
'Cause when you're Italian,
you're taught the pilgrims brought lasagna.
(audience laughs) Turkey was a side dish.
So anyway, so my mom was cooking all of this.
And we would always have dinner
about one o'clock, one-thirty in the afternoon.
So the relatives are all inside, put the leaf in the table,
make it bigger.
We're all sitting around, and then my dad's sitting.
And my mom comes in carrying this 21-pound turkey,
and her big sweat stains under her arms.
And she puts the turkey in front of my dad,
and she gives my dad the electric knife.
You remember those stupid things?
(audience murmurs in agreement)
So my dad takes the electric knife, and goes click click.
And he goes, "It's not plugged in!
"Do I have to do everything in this house?"
Well, that was the wrong thing to say.
I had no idea turkeys could fly literally across the room.
I just saw, my mom went (laughs)
went crazy, and we just ate lasagna
because the turkey was over there in the corner.
(audience laughs)