Hello, everyone.
It's me, Ellen DeGeneres.
I'm broadcasting from inside my home, and I do mean broad.
We're casting a very wide net with our comedy stylings
from home.
Broadcasting is-- I know.
I know you got it.
And yet, I like to explain it.
You may not realize it because time is nonexistent these days,
but summer is right around the corner, which means spring
is almost done sprunging.
And it also means I had to hurry up and get my spring cleaning
done before it was too late.
I don't know why they call it spring cleaning.
Why do we have to clean in the spring?
It seems like you could clean any time.
But summer, I guess, is hot, you know, too hot, maybe,
and then winter is too cold.
Fall does not exist in California.
So I guess that's not an option.
Anyway, I did some spring cleaning,
and I found a bunch of old things
that I hadn't seen in a while, and I
thought I would show them to you right now.
Here it is.
It's in this box right here.
Let's see what I have.
First of all-- oh, these--
look at this.
Pants-- pants with zippers and a button.
Remember when we used to wear these.
I can't.
I haven't zipped a zipper or buttoned a button
in a long time, but I'm not throwing them out.
I'm going to send them to a farm where they can live free
with other pants.
All right.
Here, also-- oh.
This brings back memories.
This is my first journal.
It was a joke journal that I started
when I just started standup, and there a lot of gold nuggets
in here.
Here, let's read a few.
What's the deal with the Walkman?
I don't walk, and I'm not a man.
I'll tell you what I need is a Runwoman.
Am I right, ladies?
Yeah.
And then, here's another one.
Hey, Andy, help me out with this.
OK.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ellen.
Ellen who?
Ellen, your daughter.
You left me at the grocery store again, Momma.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah.
That's a good lesson for a young comedian.
Draw from your own life experience.
She always left you at the store, didn't she?
She would leave me wherever she went.
There was many places.
That was just one time.
And then, here is--
oh.
You know what this is, right?
This is a dial-up modem.
Kids, before Wi-Fi, you had to call the internet
with this modem.
It was connected to your phone line,
and it made a bunch of unnecessarily loud noises,
like bee boop bee ba bee boop poo ech oh key ka kur ra.
That's exactly--
What?
That's exactly what it used to be like.
You try it.
No, I can't do it.
[IMITATING DIAL UP TONES]
And it went on forever.
[IMITATING DIAL UP TONES]
Stop shaking your head, tWitch.
You're too young.
You don't remember.
Yeah.
tWitch you don't know.
You don't know.
You never used this--
Oh, I did.
--ever.
I certainly did.
You were--
I know dial-up.
--born into a Wi-Fi world.
Really?
You remember dial-up?
Absolutely.
That's the way I used to--
before we could just stream a song,
I would have to wait until it was like super late at night
so that I could put a song on download, and then go to sleep
and hopefully, wake up in the morning to it finally
being done.
I can't believe you remember that, tWitch.
I think you're not honest about your age.
I think you just look good, and you're like 65.
He looks good for 65.
He does look good for 65.
Let's start that rumor.
tWitch is 65.
That I'm 65?
[INAUDIBLE] a 65-year-old tWitch.
Yeah.
All right.
Here's another comedy prop, I mean, real item that I
found in my house.
This is-- here, look at this.
It's a friendship bracelet from Oprah.
She said she made it herself.
Isn't that nice?
I usually don't like crafty things,
but I made an exception for this.
That's sweet of her.
I know.
Oh, and you know what else is in here?
This is my gay card.
I remember when Elton John and Katie Lang gave me this
after I came out.
Unlike your driver's license, your gay card photo always,
always looks good, and it was front and back.
And they'd have stylists and hairdressers
and people on set to-- it was like a two hour shoot.
That's the difference.
Yeah.
There was another lesbian joke if you're
playing the drinking--
So you don't carry it anymore with you?
I don't because my wallet is too small.
It's larger than--
OK.
Yeah, they weren't--
Yeah.
But anyway, so take a shot.
That's another lesbian joke.
Here's someone who doesn't need a stylist and isn't a lesbian.
Say hello to tWitch.
Hi, y'all.
We don't know.
We didn't know he was 65 years old.
You know what?
Let's start that.
He's a 65-year-old lesbian is what he is.
I'm just saying people have been saying that.
Yeah.
Let's start that rumor.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah.
How are you, tWitch?
I'm good.
I'm good, Ellen, you know.
Yeah.
Just another day, another day in the house.
Yeah.
But we're good.
Another day, don't know what day it is, but it's another day.
Absolutely.
Yep.
It's great to see.
It's good to get to be here with y'all.
It's good to see you.
I wish you could be here.
I mean, I don't know why--
why can't we switch out Andy and tWitch one day?
Like have tWitch have here, and Andy is, you know, there?
I'm good.
There like at my house?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm with Allison and your kids.
Yeah.
And I'm not sure that's the best thing.
No, tWitch doesn't want that.
I can take care of his kids.
tWitch doesn't want you near his kids.
[LAUGHING]
He doesn't like that idea.
Wow.
All right.
He's a bitchy lesbian.
[LAUGHING]
Well, you know, when you get to be 65, you get kind of grouchy
as a lesbian.