- I was taking a lot of rideshares when I was in LA,
because I can't drive because I'm gay, and I...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I had this driver this one time,
he had a 3.8 rating, like, are you murdering people?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I got out the car and like, zig-zagged to my apartment.
Just in case the guy turned around and just... [spits]
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Just blow-darted me, you know?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Took my phone, gave himself five stars.
Those drivers be thirsty. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I was trying to smash a couple, though, honestly.
They were cute! This one time,
I got in the car, like, I got really close.
Get in the car, we were like, flirting, making small talk,
he's like, "Where are you coming from?" I was like, "A show,"
and he's like, "Oh, what instrument do you play?"
and I was like, "The voice."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But I--"No, I do stand-up or whatever,"
and I say "or whatever" so he thinks that I'm humble.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And then he goes, "Oh, my God, like, I love stand-up,
"I've written a couple jokes but I'm a little nervous
to get onstage and try it,"
and I was like, "Oh, my God, you seem like
you have such a natural stage presence."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But he was, like, cute, so I was like, "You know what?
"How about you just, like,
"tell me a joke right now in the car,
and we can just work on it together,"
he was like, "You sure? I don't wanna waste your time,"
I was like, "No, go for it,"
and he's like, "Okay, okay, so, uh, me and my girlfriend--"
I was like, "Needs work."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Right here is fine, actually, uh...
You ain't gotta slow down, I'll just roll, that's cool."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- No. I'm very addicted to technology,
it's like-- it's kind of a problem.
I realized I was addicted to technology when I got robbed
and this dude was like, "Is your phone worth your life?"
and I was like, "Hmm..."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And then I stole his phone.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Right away, and followed myself on Twitter
from his phone, which was cool.
The thing that makes me saddest about technology, though,
is like, there's so many jobs that are just disappearing,
and it's like, what's gonna happen
to the bootleg DVD salesman? You know?
And that makes me so sad 'cause I used to love
watching bootleg DVDs,
'cause it's like whenever you were watching
you're never alone, 'cause, like, you're watching it
with that person, you know?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- You'd be in the middle of the movie, you just hear,
"Ha-ha-ha-ha! That boy Nemo 'bout crazy as hell!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I'd be like, "Damn, Nemo is crazy."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Didn't even realize that 'til just now." [laughs]
But I do--I love, like, learning about sciences,
learning about tech, stuff like that.
Um...one of my favorite things to do is to research
which animals are gay.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Um...giraffes, bi as fuck.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Something 'bout the neck,
we don't know. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But there's not that much research done about
which bugs are gay, right?
I've looked it up-- I've done my own,
and they say that sometimes, like, two male bugs will, like,
mistake each other for a female and accidentally have sex,
and it's like, "Okay, I went to college," um...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So, I made a slide that's a very comprehensive list
of which bugs are gay or not, so let's go.
Um, dragonflies, the fact that dragonflies will just,
like, hover in air perfectly still like that, not moving?
Gay. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- That requires classical training, you know?
Like, they went to drama school.
Ladybugs--every ladybug is a lesbian.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Honestly.
Look, they got this bold lipstick right here, but you--
if you zoom in, there's Birkenstocks--
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- On every one of these.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Uh, beetles, lesbians. That's a strap.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- Bees? The fact that you're so willing to hurt someone
that you would die for it?
That's gay.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Like...
the pettiness that that takes. Very gay--
and they worship a queen? Like, come on, you know?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Wasps. Wasps are straight.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's a visceral feeling, I don't need to explain it,
we all get it,
and look at that interior design, you know?
Like, it's just not up to par.
Butterflies, gay. I mean. Come on.
You know, they go in the cocoon, college, they pop up,
they start thottin', you know, classic queer narrative.
Uh...cicadas, the fact that they just, like,
take off their clothes and leave it anywhere?
That's straight, you know? - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's like, "Pick up after yourself, cicadas."
Gay!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- Every praying mantis is gay as fuck, look!
Like, "Yas!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- [unintelligible]
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Scorpions, are they insects? Are they spiders?
Neither, they're bi. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Cockroaches are gay because they're everywhere
and you'll never get rid of them.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Ants--with ants, it's like, you're working so hard...
what are you hiding?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[laughter continues]
- I just think ants need to do some soul-searching.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And daddy long-legs, gay. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And that is a complete list of all the bugs that are gay.
- AUDIENCE: [cheering and applause]
- I know because I've fucked them all.