How To Resolve Conflict
Hello there.
Conflict is both the invitation to expand our consciousness,
and the potential cause of complete destruction.
Like a root that has the potential
to either grow a beautiful flower,
or a poisonous weed.
If it is poorly tended,
it is the root of the damage
that we do to each other on this earth.
It is the destroyer of connection
and as such, it ruptures relationships.
Conflict is the heart of war.
When conflict arises,
we're being called to come into greater depths of intimacy and harmony.
We're being called become as aware as possible of ourselves
relative to a subject.
We can either answer that call,
or allow the conflict to drag us into deeper levels of unconsciousness.
We can seek a meeting of minds,
or we can become reactive
and try to end the conflict through power struggle.
The struggle for power and control
is the enemy of conflict resolution.
Now, when we're in relationships
rupture to those relationships is absolutely inevitable.
It's going to happen.
Because we still live from our individual perspectives,
we're not always going to agree.
So, the security and the harmony,
or should we say joy that is present within a relationship
present due to our capability
of finding repair in that relationship
when the rupture has occurred.
Our lack of happiness within a relationship
Has to do with our inability to create repair within a relationship
when rupture has occurred.
People who have a difficult time
creating repair in relationships once rupture has occurred,
have that difficulty because
they believe that there is safety
in power and control over other people.
When conflict arises,
their ego which is in a state of fear,
immediately seeks to win or punish the other.
Their ego seeks to stay safe
and survive by being right,
justified, good and victorious.
So that the other person is the one who is wrong,
unjustified, bad and losses.
The downside is that this person cannot maintain relationships.
This person also cannot become conscious.
This person lives in a state of starvation
as they lack secure connection and intimacy.
If we are like this
in our individual lives as people,
it is easy to see how our human society
will be one of disharmony instead of harmony.
Until we are willing to actually create conflict resolution,
our world will be one of war and atrocity.
Unless we would like to live and raise our children
in a world that is based on war and atrocity,
whose root is conflict,
we have to end the war within ourselves.
We have to make a conscious commitment
to resolve the conflict within ourselves,
within our communities,
and within the world at large.
We do this by learning how to use conflict
to become more conscious.
We use conflict to awaken.
Using conflict to awaken
is not as easy as it sounds,
because it requires the bravery
to become open and vulnerable and soft
when everything in our being,
when it is threatened,
is screaming to become hard, to become closed
and to defend ourselves.
We must choose love
over our own ego's sense of survival.
For this reason I'm going to spell out a protocol in this video
for you to use to create conflict resolution.
You can use this for any relationship,
whether it's your one-on-one relationships,
your relationships with family,
your relationships with your community at large,
or your relationship with the world;
Step #1.
Whoever feels that a meeting of minds is necessary,
calls a meeting specifically so that you can create
conflict resolution.
This meeting can be just between you and the other party,
or it can involve the community at large.
Agree upon a time that is available
that both of you can come together
face to face, if possible,
and create this resolution.
It is not an option to avoid conflicts,
if even one person feels the need for conflict resolution,
conflict resolution is needed.
The goal is understanding.
It's not about winning,
it's not about getting the other person to get it.
if both parties involved in a conflict
actually walk into this conflict
with the desire to understand the other party,
then both parties will feel seen, heard, felt and understood.
Let it be known upfront
that conflict resolution is not a time for anyone to pick sides.
This is especially true if a community or a world
is involved in a conflict.
This is an opportunity for mirrored growth
and expansion of consciousness.
Whoever is involved in this conflict
needs to stay away from the idea
that there is anybody that is the underdog.
Defensiveness is automatically
going to result in a closed mindedness,
if we're convinced that one person is the underdog,
and the other person is the bully.
The community stays quiet
until asked to participate in the discussion
involving the people who are at odds.
If they wish to provide insight,
they must ask to do so,
and the mantra going into conflict is:
"Everyone has a valid perspective."
And valid is not about right or wrong.
Remember that conflict is almost always caused
by poor communication
and a lack of understanding.
For this reason,
the more questions that can be asked
in the process of conflict resolution, the better.
Therefore, any community members
or external third parties to the conflict
are welcomed to provide questions
which can illuminate the conflict at hand.
The goal is to lead the parties involved in the conflict
towards greater understanding of one another.
Become interested and curious about the perspectives involved.
Do not walk into this like you already know the perspectives.
We all need to be as open as possible,
which requires bravery.
Before we progress to the next steps involved with conflict resolution,
we also need to be completely sure
that we are aware of how to deal with negative emotions.
For this reason,
I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube that's titled:
The Emotional Wake-Up Call
But for the sake of your understanding,
I have outlined here
how exactly to go about addressing negative emotions,
point by point.
Consider this your refresher.
Step #1.
Become aware of the other person's emotion.
Step #2.
Care about the other person's emotion
by seeing it as valid and important.
Step #3.
Listen empathetically to the other person's emotion
in an attempt to understand the way they feel.
This allows them to feel safe to be vulnerable
without the fear of judgment.
Seek to understand, instead of to agree.
#4.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings.
This may include helping them to find words to label their emotion.
To acknowledge and validate somebody's feelings,
is not the same thing as acknowledging and validating
somebody's thoughts as true.
A person has a right
and is actually correct to feel however they feel.
It's not about the truth of the situation.
For example, if somebody says:
"I feel like I'm such an idiot",
it is perfectly wonderful to say:
"It's valid that you would feel that way right now",
which is not the same as saying:
"You're right. You definitely are an idiot right now".
Step #5.
You need to allow the person to fully experience
the emotion that they are feeling
and to become ready to move up the vibrational emotional scale
according to their own need,
instead of your need.
This is not a time to rush somebody through an emotion.
We cannot impose our idea of when they should be ready,
or when they should feel differently, on them.
This is a step where we practice unconditional presence with them,
instead of trying to fix them.
It's okay for people to feel how they feel.
Negative emotion is not wrong to feel.
Step #6.
Only after you have become aware of the emotion,
acknowledged the emotion, treated it as valid,
validated the emotion
and allowed the other person and yourself
to go completely through that emotion,
is it time for this step,
Which is the step of strategizing
ways to potentially feel better.
This is the step where you can assert new ways of looking at a situation
that may improve the way the other person is feeling.
This is where advice can be offered.
Now we're ready to move on to the second step of conflict resolution;
That is to commit to resolution.
It seems self-explanatory, right?
But here's the thing,
we have to be really honest
about whether we actually want resolution.
Because if we don't really want resolution,
you can be sure that none will ever occur.
Quite often,
when we're completely concerned with being the good guy,
and we want to be seen as valid,
then we have no motive.
We need to make somebody else the bad guy.
So why the hell would we need conflict resolution?
This is particularly true
if people are drowning in victim consciousness.
Often times when it seems like no matter what you try to do
you cannot resolve a conflict,
it means that one or both parties
don't actually want it.
If you suspect
or the community who's involved with this conflict suspects
that resolution is not actually desired
by one or both of the parties,
this needs to be addressed directly
before we ever move into the next steps
of conflict resolution.
Both parties need to sit down and agree upon the facts
involving the situation.
We have to know what situation we are talking about.
This is not any kind of bending of the truth,
it's just literally what has occurred
that led us to this conflict.
For example,
let's say a conflict has occurred within a marriage
because somebody left their dish on the sink.
The fact of the situation is:
"somebody left their dish on the sink".
Once we're both aware that that is the,
let's say, root of the conflict,
that's the facts of the situation we're talking about,
we can progress forward and involve the perspectives
that are being added by parties.
#4.
The people who are involved in the conflict,
from this point, get to decide
from the following options,
or ways of approaching this particular conflict.
A).
Each side takes a turn going through the emotional expression process.
Expressing their whole truth from start to finish.
This tends to work the best when people are angry.
This is one of my preferred methods for conflict resolution.
To understand this process,
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:
How To Express Your Emotion
B). Both sides complete
a "judge-your-neighbor" worksheet,
which is made available by the teacher Byron Katie.
I absolutely love this process.
I use it in my own community
and I think it's a fabulous idea.
Last time I checked,
she actually makes this worksheet downloadable and printable
for free on her websites.
So that's one option.
C).
each side takes a sheet of paper
and writes down what they are feeling
and why they are feeling that way.
It's also
especially valuable
if in this particular part of the process
you involve the "what am I making this mean" question.
If you want to understand this question
and why it is so powerful
in terms of figuring out why we're in a state of conflict,
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:
Meaning (The Self-Destruct Button)
When you write why you're feeling the way you're feeling,
you want to write it in a way
that you're exposing your deepest vulnerability
using "I" statements.
Why did this hurt me?
What am I really afraid of in this situation?
Instead of making it be about the surface story,
about why we're justified in being hurt or angry,
we make it about what we are feeling,
and willingly expose our deepest insecurities.
If this is the mode we have chosen for conflict resolution,
neither party talks.
They hand their paper to each other,
open discussion may commence
after the point that they have both
fully read and processed what they have read
that the other person has written.
D).
Both parties involved in the process
goes completely through the emotional vipassana process
which I put forth in my video titled:
How To Heal The Emotional Body
If we are in a particularly charged conflict,
it may be beneficial
for the community to lead both parties
individually through this process.
And after we engage in that process,
and we've exposed ourselves to the insights
that naturally occur as a result of this process,
we come together and at that point,
we begin to discuss the conflict
and what our real issue was with it.
This is the best option
if people are triggered to the point
that neither can lay down their defenses.
E).
Both parties and/or the Community involved
does the trauma release exercises.
This is a series of exercises by David Berceli.
We do this before we sit down
to be open about the vulnerabilities and fears and wounds
behind the conflict.
One at a time,
so we can absorb each other's words without counter arguing.
F).
And now we come to my personal favorite:
We switch roles.
If this is what we have chosen to do
relative to whatever conflict it is that we have engaged ourselves with,
we take on the role of the other person,
and we argue their perspective,
we get into it completely.
And they do the same for us.
Basically this allows us to see ourselves
mirrored in an extreme way.
To understand this process, watch my YouTube video titled:
Switch Perspectives (A Relationship Exercise)
If you wish,
you can use all of these steps or these options
with regards to whatever conflict you're going through,
but it's much more practical to select one
to see if that works,
and then move on to another one if it doesn't work.
Step 5:
Conflicts arise because there is a difference
or a conflict of needs in a situation.
And also the fear that whatever need we have
is not going to be met.
so we have to approach our conflicts
with the idea that what we are really dealing with is needs.
Both sides figure out, based on the conflict,
what their true needs are
and potentially even suggest ways, with the help of the community,
for those needs to be better met
by themselves and by the others within the community.
Step 6:
The individuals
and/or the community at large
assist both parties in coming up with solutions,
intentions, wishes and ways
that we can move forward
and vibrationally create a circumstance or situation
where that conflict does not arise again.
This does not need to be a compromise,
it needs to be a third way.
We need to care about other people in our community
enough that we find a way to make both and all parties
feel good about what they are moving forwards towards.
#7. Both people or parties involved in the conflict
switch their focus at this point,
from the issue, things that separate them,
to what they appreciate or love about the other person.
And the party who is on the receiving end,
has to focus on actually genuinely receiving those comments.
These have to be genuine comments.
You have to really feel
what it is that you're saying about the other person.
But a state of appreciation brings us together,
instead of allowing us to remain apart.
Essentially, each party writes down what they love
or appreciate about the other person,
and reads it aloud.
#8.
The conflict resolution that has occurred
is solidified in any way possible.
We have to give ourselves time
to process what has just occurred,
and to acclimatize to this new level
of connection, intimacy and resolution.
For this reason,
during this processing phase,
it's a very good idea for both parties that were in conflict
to choose an activity
or a non activity,
which brings them together, instead of apart.
Integration of conflict works best in the presence of others.
So this is not the time to go away and process alone.
Process within the context of group or community.
So the parties involved are fully present with one another
doing an activity that's fun,
or taking notes on what they've learned,
or doing an activity or non activity that bond's them.
Step #9.
If a conflict cannot be solved
by individuals or by the community,
a third party to the conflict,
someone who is objective,
who is not bias,
who is not emotionally involved in this particular conflict,
is invited in.
Only after we have involved this third party mediator,
do we decide how to progress.
There are so many benefits to conflict resolution.
We understand ourselves better,
we receive insights,
we experience growth and expansion,
we come closer to unity and oneness,
we experience healing for our wounded aspects,
we become more aware and we stop fearing other people,
we begin to feel a sense
of being supported and belonging within the group.
This is just to name a few benefits.
Don't fear conflict,
embrace it.
Concealed avoided or otherwise ignored conflict
will fester and grow into resentment.
It will create withdrawal
or cause factional infighting within a person
and subsequently, within the world.
While, conflict that is directly faced and embraced
creates a state of harmony
and togetherness within oneself,
and subsequently,
a state of harmony and oneness within the world.
So go ahead and try these steps for conflict resolution.
And have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com