- So, what do you do when you find yourself
with that jealous feeling boiling up inside of you
and you really don't wanna be feeling that way?
One of my clients recently shared
that she was dealing with this feeling of jealousy,
and she was with her partner,
they were sitting on the couch,
they were watching a TV program,
and he commented on how beautiful
the woman on the program was.
And she could feel the jealousy rise up in her,
and she also, at the same time,
thought, "I don't wanna feel this way.
It's totally fine for him to comment
on somebody, an actress that he finds beautiful.
Why am I feeling this way based on that comment?"
So if you ever battle feeling jealous
or feeling insecure,
today I'm gonna give you a very powerful three-step process
that will put you back in control
and help you experience the peace of mind
and the confidence that you want.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, my name's Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of the Love and Relationships division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love,
and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click that little subscribe button
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because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
Feeling jealous, feeling insecure,
those are completely normal
and extremely common human emotions.
And if we wanna gain control over those feelings,
the first step is to really see them
for what they really are.
And when you're feeling jealous,
when you're feeling insecure,
if you look down to the root of that,
it often comes from a sense of fear;
fear that you're gonna lose the relationship,
fear that you're not enough,
fear that you're gonna experience some sort of pain.
And so that feeling of anger or jealousy
or fear of insecurity will rise up,
because we're trying to protect ourselves.
So those feelings are rooted in fear.
If we wanna shift that emotion,
we have to shift to a place of love.
And a place of love comes
from both loving ourself
and loving the other person.
So here are the three steps that you can use
to shift that energy of insecurity
and jealousy back to a place of love
so you can connect even deeper with your partner.
Step number one is to find the root.
So find the root.
There's different roots that might be happening
that are causing rise of this jealous feeling
or this insecure feeling.
So ask yourself when you're feeling the jealousy
and it comes over you, ask yourself,
take a deep breath and turn within and you say,
"Hmm, what's the deeper feeling
that I'm experiencing right now?"
And as you turn within,
you'll notice that it might be the fear of loss,
that you're worried that if your man
is talking to some other person
or spending time with some other person
or seeing how beautiful someone is on the screen,
that you might lose that relationship.
And so just for a moment to honor that fear in you,
"Oh, this is coming from a fear of loss."
Or a second area that is very, very common
is fear that you're not enough;
fear that you're not beautiful enough,
fear that you're not sexy enough,
fear that you're not fun enough,
fear that you're not available enough,
fear that you don't spend enough time with him
and that you're gonna lose it
and it often ties right back to
because you're not enough, then what?
Then you might lose the relationship.
So those are the two most common roots that exist.
But here's an interesting idea.
Sometimes the insecurity and the jealousy that rise up
is a sign that there's another problem at work.
Sometimes the problem isn't really the problem.
And so when you peel back the layers
of this onion and you get to the core
and you turn within and you say,
"Hmm, what am I really experiencing right now?
What's underneath the jealousy?
What's underneath the insecurity?"
Then you're gonna get clear on,
okay, that's the thing that I would love to shift.
It's either feeling unworthy, feeling not enough,
feeling the fear of loss or some other challenge
that you're having in the relationship.
This brings you to step number two.
When you notice that, sequester that fear
or sequester whatever it is that unworthiness
or whatever that emotion is, to part of you.
Often, we give away our power to these emotions,
and we say, "I am jealous.
I am feeling insecure. I am unworthy."
Well, that's not true.
Not all of you is jealous,
not all of you is unworthy in that moment.
A great way to reclaim your power
is to sequester that emotion to part of you.
And you say, "You know, a part of me is feeling afraid
that I might lose this relationship.
A part of me is feeling like I'm not enough,
I'm not pretty enough or sexy enough."
Sequester it to part of you
and then send it a warm bath of love.
This is a strange move,
but it's a magical move
where you can actually close your eyes
and notice where in your body
you feel that sensation of not being enough
or where do you feel that jealousy,
and you send it a warm bath of love.
And you'll notice that it begins to relax.
It takes the charge away,
it takes the edge of that emotion off
and that's incredibly powerful,
because step number three
is to communicate with your partner your needs.
And there are several questions that I'm gonna give you
that you can ask yourself that will help give clarity
for what you wanna communicate to your partner.
But here's the deal,
space in a relationship is great;
space for you to be you, for him to be him.
Space is healthy.
Distance is not.
Distance is created when one or two, both of you,
don't share something that matters to you.
You're not sharing an experience
you're having out of fear;
fear that you'll get rejected,
fear that the other person will take it wrong and get angry,
fear that they won't understand.
If you're not gonna share something
because you're afraid they won't like it,
it'll chase them away, or they'll get angry,
that creates distance.
If you've got something real going on with you,
you wanna be able to share that.
And so here's a great way for you to share
a jealous feeling or an insecure feeling with your man.
So here's the first question to ask yourself,
tune into what do I want to experience in this relationship?
And get clear on that.
Get clear on, you know, what I want to experience love.
I want to experience connection,
I want to experience closeness with my partner,
and allow that feeling to rise up
and you locate where you feel already that love,
that closeness, that connection,
'cause that can exist right here and right now.
Even if, on the surface level,
you might not be feeling it or noticing it,
connect to that part of you.
The second question to ask yourself is,
"What do I need to believe in order to feel this way?"
So for example, if you would love to feel sexy
or beautiful or worthy,
then find that belief inside yourself.
You know what?
I need to believe that I'm sexy.
I need to believe that I'm worthy.
I need to believe myself that I'm beautiful.
If you yourself don't own that belief first,
that creates a hole that no amount of attention
or reassurance your man could ever give you
will fill up that hole.
We need to own that ourselves.
We are the only ones who can make ourselves fulfilled
and truly, we are the only ones
who can make ourselves happy.
So the question is, "Hmm, what do I need to believe
in order to generate this feeling in me first?"
And because we are in a partnership,
then the third question is,
"Hmm, what could my man say or do
that would help me feel even more loved in this moment?"
And then ask your man for some help,
ask him for some whatever it is that you need.
Sometimes my wife will come to me and say,
"You know what, honey?
I just need to feel chosen in this moment right now.
I know you're playing around on your phone
and you're goofing around with social media,
but I would love to feel connected,
and would you be willing to choose me
and pour some energy and focus on me right now?"
When she says that I'm like,
"Yeah, thank you for being clear with me,
thank you for knowing what you need,
thank you for giving me something
that I could do to pour into you."
Your man is gonna love that.
When you give him a clear directive of,
hey, here's something that you could do
to help me feel even more loved and cared for,
your man's gonna spring into action.
And that's exactly what my client did.
She had this beautiful conversation with her man.
She asked her man, "Hey, can I have a conversation with you?
It's a little bit vulnerable,
but I think it would be really good for us
to talk about this."
And he was like, sure.
And she described how when he makes
a comment about beautiful women,
there's a part of her that feels a little bit insecure,
and that she knows that's her stuff
and that she wants to reconcile it herself
and she's working on that
and she said, "You know what would also feel great
is maybe a couple times throughout the day
for you to just comment on how beautiful I am,"
because he wasn't that kind of guy,
he wouldn't say it to her very often.
And he didn't even know he wasn't saying it to her.
And he was like, "Absolutely, honey,
yes, I will 100% do that."
And so then he's been pouring into her,
commenting on how beautiful she is
and their whole connection has gone
to a deeper place and more enriched place
because she was willing to follow this exact process.
And you can too.
So my question for you is
what do you do when you're feeling jealous or insecure,
what do you do that helps gain control
over that experience and bring you back to a place of peace?
I would love to hear your strategies.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you. I believe in you.
Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you soon.
(cheerful music)