(energetic music)
- Here's the object on the Carlsbad Telescope
from 2:30 this morning.
Based on this and infrared imaging,
we believe that the impact will--
- Impact?
You're saying this thing's gonna hit us?
- Oh, yes sir.
This is what we call an extinction level event.
If we do nothing,
then on March 3rd, an asteroid the size of Texas
is going to slam into the Pacific Ocean.
It'll create a tsunami.
Three miles high, moving at the speed of sound.
Debris from the impact will block the atmosphere,
effectively cutting off the sun for
the better part of 20 years.
If we do nothing, this is the end of the world.
- Great.
- I'm sorry?
- That's fuckin' great.
Let's wrap this thing up, huh?
- Sir, we've developed a plan
to send 12 of the world's best bomb-makers to the asteroid.
- No, no, no, no, let's just call it.
I mean, Earth had a great run,
but it's about over, you know what I mean?
Am I right?
- Right, yes, yes. (laughing)
- No, no, you're talking about the end of the world.
Why would you want that?
- Trump. - Trump, yes.
- Fuckin' Trump.
- I mean, it's not just Trump.
- It's mostly Trump.
- It's a bunch of things.
Things have been really shitty for a while now.
I mean, when I got this news, I honestly thought,
"Phew."
- You wanna go get some fancy scotch
before it all gets asteroided?
- Sure!
- I wanna do heroin. - Yes!
- Woah! I wanna party with this girl.
- No, no, listen, no, we have a plan.
Let's say this coffee cake is Earth,
and this muffin is the asteroid.
Now we're gonna take nukes from Earth, and--
- Okay, I'm gonna stop you there,
because I don't think you see my point, alright?
Now let's say this coffee cake is earth,
and this glass of water is the slow build-up
of man-made carbon in the atmosphere.
This tomato juice is the feeling of disappointing your kids.
Ooh-wee.
That salad over there,
that's how disappointing Westworld was.
These staples, that's the EU fallin' apart.
This sock I just took off,
that's people hanging out without you.
This stray pube, that's United Airlines.
- What's Facebook arguments?
- This eye booger is Facebook arguments.
And all this broken glass,
that's knowing that despite all of our hopes, myths,
and prayers, all of our lives on a cosmic sense,
are meaningless.
Now, this trash can is the asteroid, okay?
Now we could eat this coffee cake,
or we could just, you know.
(crashing)
- So,
just fuck it?
- Look at it this way, it's a re-do.
Bacteria will survive.
It'll work itself out.
- He's right, sir.
In about 500 million years, there could be people again.
- That's nice, actually.
- And maybe they won't fuck it up with
capitalism and student films.
- Think about how cool it will look when that thing hits.
I mean like, whoa.
(imitates explosion booming)
- I could watch it come in on my telescope.
- Yes, you can! - That's the spirit!
- And tell Tad Willer I always thought he was a douche!
- You confront all the douches,
I'll finally confront my father.
- We all will!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Finally, finally!
- Sir, they just released a trailer
for the new Star Wars movie.
- I gotta see this.
Launch the shuttles.
(nostalgic music)
- Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel,
click here for more fun stuff.
And -
Sorry.
Guys it feels like I'm out, am I out?
Cause I can see the top of the camera so it's...
Is this better?
Alright.
It feels worse.
Okay.
Thanks for watching!