- Hey, everybody.
I have Dodie Clark here and we are gonna talk about you.
- Yes.
- Yes. - Yes, we are. Hi.
- So, tell my audience what you do on your channel.
- Okay, I'm a musician so I write music.
I also have another channel where I spill out my guts
and I tell everyone how I'm feeling
and what I'm going through, and I also write poetry
and do little covers and little things like that,
and talk about my brain.
- Yeah, and I love her channels, I love her music.
She had an EP come out and 6/10 is my fave.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah, I love it.
So, you talk a lot about
depersonalization and derealization.
Could you tell my audience how that feels for you,
and I'll define it after but I really
like the way Dodie describes it.
- So, for me, it feels like I can't see enough,
like I can't open my eyes wide enough.
Either the room is way too bright
or way too dark, I don't really know.
It's just not going in properly.
It feels like I can't remember anything very well
because I don't feel very present.
I like to compare it with being drunk
because I'm so spaced out, like time is just going by,
it's like in one ear and out the other
and I just can't remember.
Sometimes if I wake up the morning,
it takes me like a good half hour
to remember what I was doing yesterday
because it just didn't go in properly.
When it gets really bad, I look in a mirror
and it really, really freaks me out
because I look like my brother,
like I can't recognize my own face.
I see something smiling and I'm like, "What the heck?"
That's honestly quite extreme.
- That's when it's real bad. - That's when it's really bad.
- Mostly it's just like living in a dream,
like walking around and just not really feeling connected
to the real world and it's very frustrating.
- Yeah, and she has a song, is it called When?
- Yes.
- Yeah, and it's about this, essentially,
and I really like the lyrics of it
'cause it's really powerful.
Just to define depersonalization/derealization,
we talked about it on Dodie's channel,
we did a video over there.
I'll link in the description so you can check it out,
but depersonalization is when you're disconnected from self
and derealization is disconnected from environment,
and you can kinda toggle between the two.
So lovely, not at all.
- Yay! (laughs)
- I know. (laughs) Yay, no!
Just to give you an idea of what she's talking about,
that's what's really happening in our brain
and it's like our brain's way of coping,
like pulling the ripcord, like,
"Ah! I'm outta here. Can't deal."
As far as, I know a lot of my viewers struggle with this,
what are the treatments that you've gone through?
I know particularly TMS, people have had
a lot of questions about that.
Can you tell us what you know about it?
- TMS is transcranial magnetic stimulation,
which basically means that it's kind of like
giving a certain part of your brain
a little bit of a kick, little bit of a push
by sending a little magnetic pulse.
It feels like this,
so it can be I guess a little uncomfortable.
It feels like someone's kind of tapping you.
It can be a bit scary at first.
I was definitely freaked out the first time I had it.
I made a little rhyme in my head
to the noise of the click to help calm me down.
- Yeah.
- It's essentially just like realigning your brain.
It's honestly not as bad as you think it might be.
It can be interesting.
I was talking to the person doing it
and she said that people with anxiety
obviously freak out the most, which is really ironic.
- (laughs)
- For me, I haven't noticed any difference yet
but I am going back to try it again.
It might not work, it might work, who knows?
- Yeah, and I think it's nice to know
different treatment options, and you tried medication.
I have a lot of viewers that are
concerned about making that first step.
What was the deciding factor for you?
What made you decide to give it a try?
- I really, really struggle.
I struggle a lot.
I don't know.
I maybe unhealthily like to pin my hope on things.
I like to go, "I'll try this and it will work,"
but, you know, that's not the case.
I'm very glad I did try medication
because, as someone said in an Instagram post actually,
they were like, "You know what? You did it.
You tried something and it didn't work for you,
but well done for doing that."
I'm glad I did and I probably will go back
and try different types of medication,
but for now I'm gonna have a little bit of a break from it.
- I always told my viewers that when we're drowning
in the symptoms, medication can get us
that little bit better so we can
start trying other things.
- Yeah.
- You know?
Have you done any talk therapy at all?
- I've shopped around with different therapists.
I found one recently that I really like.
- Yay! - Yay!
I'm going back to her now and again.
I haven't had quite enough time to sink into it yet.
We're just getting to know each other, really.
- It takes time to feel comfortable with someone.
Is it hard to find a therapist in the UK?
I know the system's very different.
- As well as the private therapy that I found
and I'm doing, I'm also on the NHS waiting list
and that's taken about a year.
It's a long time.
It's very annoying, but yeah, I don't know.
It's tricky.
I'm privileged enough that I can also pay for my therapy.
Maybe you can like look,
if you're going to a school, there might be
a school counselor if you're struggling,
as well as talking to friends and family,
and charities as well.
There's a good charity in the UK called Mind, mind.org.
- Oh, interesting.
I'll link that in the description, too.
I know, as far as my experience goes,
that a lot of depersonalization/derealization's
caused from some traumas.
Has that been your experience as well
or do you know what triggered it?
- It took me a while to think about that
because when I heard that I thought, "That can't be right
because I haven't had one specific trauma."
I thought a lot of people get it from
getting raped, having a bad sexual experience,
or someone dying, and I couldn't think of
one deciding thing, one heavy thing.
I realized that doesn't have to be the case.
I have a lot of different things
that happened over the space of a year,
like I was in an abusive relationship,
I had this family thing going on,
someone in my family died and I was juggling that
with also stress and this YouTube and work.
It just kind of was very overwhelming
and that's when I noticed I started to walk around
and be like, "What's happening? I'm in a dream."
- Oh, yeah.
We talked a little bit more about this on Dodie's channel,
about big Ts and little Ts,
so you can hop over there and watch more.
I'm curious what things you do
to take care of yourself, then.
If all this is going on, I know you work very hard,
how do you take time for Dodie?
- Well, I think self-care if very important.
I think making sure you have a break
because I know that it's common for people
who are struggling to just absorb themselves in their work,
and to just take more on as a distraction,
but that won't work.
You'll eventually break.
- Yeah.
- I like to have days where I do nothing
and I still feel a little bit of guilt for that
but I think that's so helpful, you know?
Just have a bath and sit in it for like half an hour
and just be like, "I'm just gonna do nothing."
- (laughs)
- That's really helpful.
Surrounding myself with friends, I think is lovely.
Especially friends who know and understand.
I think that's so helpful.
People, like they check in, they say, "How are you doing?
How are you feeling? You spaced out?"
I'm like, "Yes, always," and they're like, "How can I help?"
I'm so lucky in that I have friends who understand.
- Yeah, that's great advice.
I love a day of nothing.
- Yeah.
- Like when I wake up and I have no reason
to get out of bed at first, I'm like, "Oh, this is amazing."
(laughs)
- Yeah. (laughs)
Yeah, it's so great.
- Well, thank you for sharing your story.
Like I said, we did a video over on Dodie's channel.
Make sure you check it out.
Like I said, her music is wonderful.
I love her channel and I just love what you do.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you for sharing your story and being so open.
We'll see you next time.
- Bye. - Bye.
Subtitles by the Amara.org community