hi
how are you thank you that's very nice
of you thank you
thank you very much
thank you very much that's so nice of
you i hope you're having a good week
thank you for being here i i'm doing
well myself in a couple days i'm going
to turn 29 years old and i'm very
excited about that i was hoping by now
that i would look older but it didn't
happen
i don't look older i just look worse i
think honestly when i'm walking down the
street no one's ever like hey look at
that man i think they're just like whoa
that tall child looks terrible
get some rest tall child
you can't keep burning the candle at
both ends
you ever seen on america's most wanted
when they age a photo of someone just
take my kindergarten photo and yellow
the teeth and put bags under the eyes
and be like this is what he would look
like now
i was a very nervous kid i was anxious
all the time when i was younger but
what's nice is that some of the things i
was anxious about don't bother me at all
anymore
like uh
i always thought that uh quicksand was
gonna be a much bigger problem than it
turned out to be
because if you watch cartoons quicksand
is like the third biggest thing you have
to worry about in adult life
behind real sticks of dynamite and giant
anvils falling on you from the sky
i used to sit around and think about
what to do about quicksand i never
thought about how to handle real
problems in adult life i was never like
oh what's it gonna be like when
relatives ask to borrow money
now i've gotten older not only have i
never stepped in quicksand i've never
even heard about it no one's ever been
like hey if you're coming to visit take
i-90 because i-95 has a little quicksand
in the middle
looks like regular sand but then you're
going to start to sink into it
i was nervous all the time but i had a
good family i have wonderful parents a
lot of guys my age i hear them say this
they go every day i think i'm becoming
more like my dad i think i'm becoming
more like my mom
because i was watching that show access
hollywood and one of the reporters said
up next we have an exclusive interview
with sandra bullock's former husband
jesse james and out loud i went ah this
ought to be good
that's pure mom
my parents are both lawyers they are
both lawyers and sometimes they would be
like lawyers with us when we were kids i
remember one time i was in bed and my
dad came in and he said good night john
did you brush your teeth and i said yes
but here's the thing
i hadn't but who cares i didn't have
like a job interview or anything
so my dad comes back in a couple minutes
holding my toothbrush he says john is
this your toothbrush and i said yes and
he said so we agree that this is your
toothbrush
then he said john this toothbrush is
bone dry like he looked down and he said
bone dry
said you lied to me i said dad i did not
lie i said that i brushed my teeth i
never specified that i brushed my teeth
tonight and if the court reporter reads
back my remarks you will see that i did
not perjure myself
my mom's also a lawyer she was a
different kind of lawyer with us when we
were kids my mom was more like nancy
grace she would just make wild
accusations all day long and wait for
something to stick
my mom would blame me for things that
happened on the news
that is true
i woke up one morning when i was a kid
and my mom was standing over my bed and
she said i just heard that princess
diana and her lover dodie alfayed have
been killed in paris like i had
something to do with it
i was like mom i have been here all
night
you can feel the tv it's warm
luckily i had a good alibi since i was
in wisconsin and 12.
my brothers and sisters and i had this
babysitter named veronica when we were
kids and i was in love with her
i was in love with veronica she would
babysit us on saturday nights and in my
head when i was a little kid i thought
that veronica was like 25 30 years old i
was just talking to my mom the other
week i found out that when i was 10
veronica was 13.
so why was she in charge
all she could do was dial the telephone
a little better than i could
13 when i'm 10 that's just like hiring a
slightly bigger child that would be like
if you're going out of town for the week
and you paid a horse to watch your dog
like all right here is the number where
we'll be and here's where we keep the
dog food and you're a horse
why do people do that people always
shush animals
they go hey
they've never spoken
you