WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"" HERE EVERYBODY ON CBS.
ONLY CBS.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT, IT'S MOTHER'S
DAY THIS WEEKEND, BUT YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT MY BIRTHDAY
IS ALSO THIS WEEKEND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M NOT A BIG-- I'M NOT A BIG
BIRTHDAY PERSON, SO I'LL PROBABLY JUST SPEND IT THE WAY I
SPEND EVERY SUNDAY-- JUMPING IN A BOUNCY CASTLE, THEN EATING A
GIANT CAKE WITH MY NAME ON IT.
BUT I WAS TRULY TOUCHED TO FIND OUT THAT FRIENDS OF THE SHOW RUN
THE JEWELS-- L.P. AND KILLER MIKE-- APPARENTLY HAVE A
BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FOR ME.
THEY WERE THE LAST PEOPLE I'D EXPECT TO REACH OUT, BECAUSE YOU
MIGHT REMEMBER THAT THEY HAVE TYPICALLY AND REPEATEDLY
RUINED THE HOLIDAYS FOR ME.
THEY CRASHED MY HALLOWEEN SONG IN 2016 AND MADE IT SUPER DIRTY,
AND ALSO DESTROYED WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MY JOLLY
CHRISTMAS SONG WITH SOME PRETTY VIOLENT IMAGERY.
BUT, APPARENTLY, RUN THE JEWELS SWEAR THEY HAVE SOMETHING NICE
TO SAY THIS TIME.
SO HERE THEY ARE.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR STEPHEN HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
>> HEY, MAN, WE JUST WANT TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I KNOW WE'VE ANGERED YOU IN THE PAST, BUT WE WANT THIS TO BE A
REALLY MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
YOU'RE AWESOME, WE LOVE YOU, AND WE EVEN GOT YOU SOME GIFTS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEET.
I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.
SO WHAT'S THE GIFT?
>> WE HOPE YOU LIKE IT MAN.
>> HERE YOU GO, TRICK!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ OKAY BIRTHDAY BOY
HERE'S THE (BLEEP) SITCH ♪ ANOTHER YEAR DOWN
YOU'RE FATHER TIME'S (BLEEP) ♪ BONY-ASS ARMS
LIKE WINDSHIELD WIPERS ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLBERT
HERE'S SOME ADULT DIAPERS ♪ I.D. SAYS 54
FACE SAYS 99 ♪ YOUR OWN SHOW'S ON
PAST YOUR (BLEEP) BEDTIME ♪ SO BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES
TIL YOUR FACE IS BLUE ♪ TODAY YOU'RE EATING TREATS
TOMORROW WORMS ARE EATING YOU ♪
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
YOU GUYS GOT ME.
GOOD ONE.
I AM GETTING A LITTLE OLDER.
AND I JUST-- I TAKE YOUR LITTLE RHYMES AS A REMINDER THAT I
SHOULD SAVOR EVERY MOMENT.
I'M BEING TOLD THERE IS MORE??
>> COLBERT >> R.T.J.
>> STEPHEN, MIKE, AND JAMIE.
♪ GREY LIKE A HARE SLOW LIKE A TORTOISE
♪ NEXT TIME YOU'RE (BLEEP) IT'LL BE RIGOR MORTIS
♪ SKIN ALL WRINKLY MUSCLES IS ALL SOFTENED
♪ YOU DON'T NEED A CAKE YOU NEED A (BLEEP) COFFIN.
♪ SOME WHITE DUDE DIED THAT'S FROM YOUR OBIT
♪ AND HERE'S HOW IT ENDS NO ONE GIVES A (BLEEP)
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: WOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HARSH, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE
YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE, WHAT, MID-40s?
THAT'S PRETTY OLD FOR RAPPERS.
>> HOW DARE YOU?
THAT HURTS!
>> WE'RE 43.
THAT'S EARLY 40s, YEAH.
>> WHY'D YOU HAVE TO RUIN THIS, STEPHEN?
>> YOU'RE A HEARTLESS BASTARD.
(CRYING) >> IT'S ALL RIGHT, BRO.
FOUL, BRUH.
( WAILING ) >> FOUL, BRUH.
>> Stephen: RUN THE JEWELS, EVERYBODY.