WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS, IT IS NIGHT THREE OF THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION.
NOW I DON'T KNOW IF YOU-- YOU GUYS WAMPED LAST NIGHT-- THE
SHOW, YEAH.
YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE CHEERED MORE.
NOW LAST NIGHT I SAID THE CONVENTION WAS GOING SO
SMOOTHLY, AND I COMPLAINED IT WAS BORING.
WELL, OOPSA CABADRA.
TONIGHT THE CONVENTION BUS TOOK AN UNEXPECTED TURN AND PLUNGED
INTO EXCITEMENT CANYON.
LET ME TAKE YOU THROUGH AND SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
WE STARTED OUT TODAY COUNTING DOWN TILL TOMORROW WHEN DONALD
TRUMP WILL FINALLY SPEAK FOR THE FOURTH TIME.
(LAUGHTER) AND DONALD MADE A TRIUMPHANT
ENTRANCE INTO CLEVELAND THIS AFTERNOON, COMPLETE WITH HIS OWN
THEME SONG.
♪ (LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE THAT ACTUAL SONG, THAT
THEY WERE PUMPING OUT OF THE HELICOPTER.
IT IS THE THEME FROM THE MOVIE "AIR FORCE QUUN--" ONE "I ASSUME
BECAUSE LIKE HARRISON FORD DONALD TRUMP IS A FAMOUS PERSON
PRETENDING TO BE THE PRESIDENT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: GET OFF OF MY AIRPLANE!
>> Jon: THAT'S HAR ISON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY HARRISON FORD IMPRESSION.
DONALD DID NOT FLY TO CLEVELAND ON THE HELICOPTER, THAT'S FOR
LOSERS.
NO, MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A BUS.
HE THROUGH TRUMP FORCE ONE, HIS PLANE WITH HIS NAME ON THE SIDE
TO CLEVELAND TO GET ON HIS HELICOPTER TO FLY TO A SLIGHTLY
DIFFERENT PART OF CLEVELAND, SLIGHTLY WASTEFUL OF FUEL.
IT WOULD BE EASIER JUST TO GET OUT AND STAB A PENGUIN IN THE
HEART.
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, TED CRUZ WAS GETTING READY FOR HIS BIG
SPEECH TONIGHT BY GIVING ANOTHER SPEECH, WHICH GOT SLIGHTLY
UPSTAGED.
>> OUR PARTY NOW HAS A NOMINEE.
AND I DON'T KNOW-- ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS PRETTY WELL ORCHESTRATE ED!
JEFF, DID YOU E-MAIL THEM TO FLY THE PLANE RIGHT WHEN I SAID
THAT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
YOU COULD ALMOST SEE TRUMP IN THE PILOT'S WINDOW DOING THIS.
(LAUGHTER) YES, TRUMP'S PLANE FLEW RIGHT
BEHIND CRUZ IN THE MIDDLE OF TED CRUZ'S RALLY.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WONDER WHY IS TED CRUZ STILL HOLDING
RALLIES AGAIN?
(LAUGHTER) OKAY.
SO IT WAS A BIT OF A-- A BIT OF A SCREW YOU.
A BIT OF A SCREW YOU BUT AS THEY SAY IN TEXAS, REVENGE IS A DISH
BEST SERVED CON QUESO BECAUSE TONIGHT IN HIS PRIM TIME SPEECH,
TED CRUZ DID NOT ENDORSE DONALD TRUMP.
AND THE TRUMP DELEGATES WERE ENFEUGO.
>> WE MUST MAKE THE MOST OF OUR MOMENT.
TO FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, TO PROTECT OUR GOD GIVEN RIGHTS.
EVEN IF THOSE WITH WHOM WE DON'T AGREE.
>> Stephen: CHAOS.
YOU COULD BARELY HEAR CRUZ TALKING.
THE CRUZ PEOPLE WERE FIGHTING THE TRUMP PEOPLE.
AND I BELIEVE-- HAVE WE GOTTEN IT?
YES, WE'VE GOTTEN A REVERSE SHOT OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING ON THE
CONVENTION FLOOR.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: FROM NOW ON, FROM NOW ON IT WILL BE KNOWN AS THE
RED CONVENTION.
AND AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, HOW-- I CAN'T IMPRESS UPON YOU HOW CRAZY
THIS IS.
HE WAS THE PRIME TIME SPEAKER AND HE DID NOT ENDORSE THE
CANDIDATE.
THAT'S LIKE BEING THE BEST MAN AT A WEDDING AND TOASTING THE
GROOM BY SAYING, HEY, BUDDY, YOU'LL FIND A GOOD ONE
EVENTUALLY.
YEAH, YEAH.
(APPLAUSE) YEAH.
MAYBE WITHOUT SUCH BIG KANGELS, OKAY, AFTER-- THAT WAS THE
BESTMAN, NOT ME.
I WAS IN CHARACTER.
NOW AFTER THE CRUZ MISSILE HIT ITS TARGET WE HEARD FROM ERIC
TRUMP SEEN HERE GIVING A SPEECH IN FRONT OF AMERICA'S BRIGHT
FUTURE.
AND I ENDORSED HIS FATHER'S PLANS FOR THIS NATION.
>> IT'S TIME FOR A PRESIDENT WHO CAN MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN,
AHEAD OF BUDGET AND AHEAD OF SCHEDULE TOO.
>> Stephen: YES.
(LAUGHTER) AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.
YES, AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.
DONALD TRUMP WILL END AMERICA SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT.