>> STEPHEN: THERE'S AN OLD SAYING: "THE MORE I KNOW, THE
MORE I KNOW THAT I KNOW NOTHING."
YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?
I DON'T.
I THINK THAT MEANS I'M A GENIUS.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S HOT TAKES!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PEOPLE LOVE HOT TAKES.
IT'S A FAN FAVORITE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FIRST, THE HOT TAKES PROMISE:
THESE ARE SNAP JUDGMENTS I MADE BEFORE I LEARNED THE FACTS --
AND THEN ONCE I LEARNED THE FACTS, DIDN'T CHANGE MY
JUDGMENT.
LIKE WHEN I SAW THIS GRAPHIC AND DECIDED IT LOOKED LIKE A FLAMING
METEOR AND NOT SOMETHING YOU SET ON FIRE IN A BAG AND LEAVE ON AN
ENEMY'S PORCH.
MY FIRST HOT TAKE: "SESAME STREET."
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FAN OF "SESAME STREET."
IT TAUGHT ME SO MUCH.
THE ALPHABET, COUNTING, HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH ANGRY MEN IN
DUMPSTERS.
BUT SADLY, I CAN NO LONGER TELL YOU HOW TO GET -- HOW TO GET TO
SESAME STREET, BECAUSE IT'S MOVED.
NOW IT'S BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS H, B, AND O.
NOT SURPRISED.
GROVER HAS ALWAYS BEEN FULL-FRONTAL NUDE.
(LAUGHTER) YOU HAVE TO LOOK CLOSELY, BUT
IT'S ALL THERE.
"SESAME STREET" HAD TO MOVE.
SESAME STREET HAD BEEN OPERATING AT A LOSS FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS,
IN PART DUE TO A "DIP IN LICENSING REVENUE FROM TOY
MAKERS AND DVD SALES."
AT ONE POINT, IT GOT SO BAD THAT TICKLE-ME ELMO HAD TO CHANGE HIS
NAME TO "DO-ANYTHING-TO-ME-FOR-TWENTY-
DOLLARS ELMO."
(APPLAUSE) REALLY SAD.
TOUGH CITY.
(LAUGHTER) AND "SESAME STREET" HAS CHANGED
MORE THAN ITS ADDRESS.
IT GOT GENTRIFIED.
OSCAR THE GROUCH HAS DITCHED THE TRASH CAN FOR A COMPOST BIN.
BIG BIRD HAS A BIG TREE HOUSE AND THERE'S EVEN WIFI.
WHAT'S NEXT?
COOKIE MONSTER'S GLUTEN-FREE?
BERT AND ERNIE ADOPT SENEGALESE TWINS?
WILL THE COUNT FINALLY SEEK TREATMENT FOR HIS O.C.D.?
"MY COUNTING WAS A DISPLACED DESIRE TO CONTROL MY LIFE!
MWA HA HA!
ONE!
NO!
TWO!
STOP ME!
THREE!
SOMEONE GET MY MEDS!" MY HOT TAKE?
I DON'T LIKE IT!
I'M SORRY, "SESAME STREET" -- I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT
AFTER 45 YEARS, I'M GOING TO STOP WATCHING.
FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA LEARN MY COLORS FROM "ORANGE IS THE NEW
BLACK."
(APPLAUSE) NEXT HOT TAKE:
NATURE.
I LOVE THE OUTDOORS.
BUT LATELY NATURE HAS GOTTEN DOWNRIGHT WEIRD.
I JUST READ THAT ACCORDING TO THE U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY, "85%
OF MALE SMALLMOUTH BASS IN WATERS IN AND AROUND NATIONAL
WILDLIFE REFUGES IN THE NORTHEAST HAVE DEVELOPED EGGS
WHERE THEIR TESTES SHOULD BE."
THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
UNLESS YOU'RE A SMALLMOUTH BASS THAT FEELS THAT YOU WERE BORN
WITH FISH EGGS WHERE YOUR TESTES SHOULD BE, IN WHICH CASE, I
SUPPORT YOUR JOURNEY.
(APPLAUSE) AND JUST RECENTLY ONE ARKANSAS
DEER HUNTER SHOT WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS AN EIGHT-POINT BUCK, BUT WAS
ACTUALLY SO MUCH MORE.
>> INDEPENDENCE COUNTY MAN BAGS HIS FIRST BUCK OF THE SEASON.
OR AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE ON THE OUTSIDE.
>> HE HUNTED DOWN AN UNUSUAL TROPHY LAST NIGHT: A DOE, WITH
ANTLERS.
>> DIDN'T HAVE THE MALE PARTS.
THEY WERE FEMALE PARTS.
>> IT'S A NICE RACK.
(LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: I ASSUME BY "RACK"
HE MEANS THE DOE'S ANTLERS.
THOUGH GIVEN WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.
BY THE WAY -- HELLO.
(LAUGHTER) BY THE WAY -- ACTUALLY, VERY
ATTRACTIVE.
NO DENYING IT.
BY THE WAY, THE MAN WHO BAGGED THIS "TRANSGEN-DEER" WAS NAMED
"DANNY BEAVER."
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
AND HERE'S THE THING -- VERY LATE WE HEARD THE NAME DANNY
BEAVER AND I SAID, WELL, OBVIOUSLY, WE HAVE TO MAKE THIS
GRAPHIC TO REPRESENT THAT MAN.
(APPLAUSE) AND THEN WHEN WE SAW THE FOOTAGE
ABOUT THE STORY, YOU GET TO SEE WHAT THE GUY LOOKS LIKE AND IT'S
NOT THIS, SO I SAID WE HAVE TO CUT THE PICTURE OF THE GUY AS
THE MAN BEAVER, AND I SAID, NO, YOU HAVE TO SHOW IT TO PEOPLE.
(APPLAUSE) IF I WERE NAMED DANNY BEAVER, I
WOULDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
MAYBE THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE UNDER A FULL MOON.
MAYBE HE'S A WERE-BEAVER.
MY HOT TAKE?
I NOT LIKE!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?
IS GOD DRUNK AGAIN?
LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED, WE GOT THE RED-LIPPED BATFISH.
REMEMBER THIS, GOD?
YOU CANNOT HANDLE TEQUILA.
NOW, ACCORDING TO SCIENTISTS, THE LIKELY REASON FOR THESE
RADICAL CHANGES IS ENDOCRINE DISRUPTING CHEMICALS SUCH AS
HERBICIDES, FUNGICIDES, INDUSTRIAL CHEMICALS, AND
"HORMONES," OFTEN FROM "CONSUMERS FLUSHING OLD AND
UNWANTED DRUGS DOWN TOILETS."
HENCE THE OLD SAYING: EVERY TIME AN A-ROD PEES, AN ANGEL-FISH
GETS ITS WINGS.