♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( APPLAUSE )
♪ BA-DA-BA-DA.
WHAT IS THAT SONG, JON.
>> Jon: "TOWNSHIP."
>> Stephen: IS THAT ORIGINAL?
>> Jon: YES, INSPIRED BY THE SOWETO NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE
MANDELA GREW UP.
I GOT TO VISIT AND I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS BEAUTIFUL, JON, IS MY GUEST TONIGHT,
MICHAEL KEATON.
THE GREAT.
>> Jon: BATMAN.
>> Stephen: IS THAT THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF?
THE FIRST THING I THINK OF IS BATMAN.
I BOUGHT THEV HS CASSETTE.
I WAS IN ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE SCHOOL, SOMEWHERE AROUND THERE.
I BOUGHT THE CASSETTE AND I WATCHED THAT MAYBE EVERY SINGLE
DAY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.
>> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, STILL VERY HARD TO BEAT.
>> Jon: I STILL -- >> Stephen: STILL THE
STANDARD.
>> Jon: YEAH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
RAISING THE FINEST HOLSTEIN NEWS CATTLE, FIRMLY, YET TENDERLY,
MILKING THE LATEST HEADLINES FROM THEIR JOKE-SWOLLEN TEATS,
CHURNING THE DAILY STORIES INTO THE DECADENT, PROVENCAL-STYLE
TRIPLE CREME BRIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STAGGER HOME HUNGRY AFTER
BEING RELEASED BY THE POLICE, ROOT AROUND IN THE NEIGHBOR'S
TRASH CAN FOR AN OLD MILK CARTON, SCRAPE OUT THE BLOOMING
DAIRY RESIDUE ONTO THE REMAINS OF A WET CHEESE RIND I WON
FROM A RAT IN A PRE-DAWN STREET FIGHT, PUT IT IN A DISCARDED
PAINT CAN, AND LEAVE IT TO FERMENT NEXT TO A TRASH FIRE,
THEN HUNKER DOWN AND HALLUCINATE WHILE EATING THE LISTERIA-LADEN
DEMON CUSTARD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: DRIVE THAT TRAIN!
THIS IS THE TRAIN.
I WANT YOU ON THE TRAIN, OFF THE TRAIN, MEANWHILE, IT'S THE TRAIN
WE'RE GETTING ON.
MEANWHILE, THERE ARE A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD, BUT
KETCHUP IS NO LONGER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE CONDIMENT GIANT
HEINZ HAS LAUNCHED A NEW KETCHUP BOTTLE-SHAPED GADGET
THAT ALLOWS USERS TO SQUEEZE THE MOST OUT OF A CONDIMENT PACKET.
MY GOD, THEY'VE DONE IT!
THEY'VE INVENTED FINGERS.
WELL, THAT IS STUPID.
( LAUGHTER )
RASCAL.
HE'S DANISH ARTIST JENS HAANING.
AND HE'S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, BECAUSE A DANISH MUSEUM GAVE HIM
AN $84,000 COMMISSION FOR HIS WORK.
THEN HE KEPT THE CASH AND NAMED THE ART "TAKE THE MONEY AND
RUN," TELLING THE PRESS, "THE WORK IS THAT I HAVE TAKEN THEIR
MONEY."
( LAUGHTER )
ART CRITICS CAN LOOK FORWARD TO HAANING'S NEXT PIECE, ENTITLED,
"THE WORK IS THAT I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE."
( LAUGHTER )
BY TRASH-LOVING WILD BOARS.
AMERICAN TOURISTS ARE BACK, BABY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO?
IS THAT NOT IT?
THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT IT.
THAT'S NOT IT.
I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S NOT IT.
APPARENTLY, THE ETERNAL CITY IS FULL OF PACKS OF 10 TO 30 BEASTS
INVADING IN SEARCH OF FOOD IN ROMBAUER'S NOTORIOUSLY
OVERFLOWING RUBBISH BINS.
SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK.
IN AMERICA, YOU CAN EAT ALL THE ITALIAN TRASH YOU WANT BY GOING
TO PAPA JOHN'S.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OOO-WOOO!
>> Stephen: YEAH!
YEAH!
I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE!
THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO.
I DID NOT GO THERE.
MEANWHILE, POPEYES WILL OPEN A FLAGSHIP RESTAURANT IN
LONDON.
AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON, THERE WILL BE NO CONCESSIONS OR
CHANGES TO THE U.K. MARKET ON THE MENU.
OKAY, ENGLAND?
YOU'VE BEEN FOREWARNED.
OUR FOOD IS DIPPED IN CONCRETE, DEEP FAT FRIED, AND DOUSED WITH
ENOUGH SALT AND SPICES TO DROP A CHARGING RHINO.
THAT'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE A LOT OF FLAVOR IF YOU'RE USED TO
GETTING YOUR CHICKEN FROM "SIR BLANDINGTON'S PLAIN BOILED
FOWL SPORTING CLUB.
GUARANTEED DAMP"!
( LAUGHTER )
WON A $6.1 MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT AGAINST A COMPANY FOR
FALSELY CLAIMING THAT HE ENDORSED C.B.D. SUPPLEMENTS.
LOOK HOW ECSTATIC HE IS AT THE RULING.
( LAUGHTER )
SEE A TINY SMILE.
AND IF YOU SQUINT EVEN HARDER THAN THAT, YOU ARE POBABLY
CLINT EASTWOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
AQUARIUM HAS FOUND A CREATURE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIECE OF
SALMON SUSHI.
BIT OF A DARWINIAN MISFIRE THERE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EVOLVE TO NOT LOOK DELICIOUS.
THAT'S LIKE IF A DEER TRIED TO HIDE FROM HUNTERS USING
MEAT COUNTER CAMOUFLAGE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL KEATON.
♪ ♪ ♪