- Is there anyone here who is currently planning a wedding?
Love my lonely fan base so much.
So for me, the things I need to make my wedding day special
are, one, I need it to cost less than $1,000.
I need the day to be so magical that my mom cries,
but not because she's happy.
I need a venue that's large enough to hold my whole family,
but also has enough steps
that my grandma won't be able to make it.
I need to convince my skinniest,
prettiest friend to be the photographer,
so she can't be in any of the photos.
And most importantly, I need my wedding
to take place on my fiancé's birthday.
Yeah, so that every year his birthday an always be about me.
I think that's fair. Men don't need birthdays.
They don't. They really don't.
I don't hate men. This isn't some, like, anti-man thing.
I just don't think men need presents.
They're not pretty, right?
I think presents are, like, the lifeboats on the Titanic.
They're for women, children, and rich jerks.
This is my Miss America platform.
This is also my Miss America swimsuit.
- Well, we went to the village hall,
and I paid $10 for the judge, who was blind.
Seriously. Mary, wasn't the judge blind?
- Yeah.
- 10 bucks.
- Your wedding was $10? - We got married
on a Saturday morning. We were the only ones there.
- 10 bucks. What a waste of money.
- And--yeah. To our surprise, he was blind.
- You were there.
She was there, 'cause Mom was with child when we got married.
- Is that why you got married?
- And it's like, why did the mouse
and the elephant get married?
'Cause they had to. [laughs]
[dog growling]
Hey, you leave that dog alone.
[growls] I'll help you, Pepper.
- We've actually been together for five years.
Yeah. It's kind of a long time.
Yeah. Thank you, and last year,
we celebrated our four-year anniversary
with a special weekend trip to Santa Barbara.
The reason it was special is we were going back
to the same place that we went to
the first time we ever took a trip together,
so in my head, I'm like, Okay, he's 40, I'm 30.
Nostalgic weekend.
Four-year anniversary."
What's about to happen?
- Propose. - Propose. Yes.
Thank you. I'm not crazy.
So I am in the best mood ever, right,
'cause I'm about to own half this person's stuff.
So we drive there.
I don't remember if it's up or down,
'cause I'm not helpful.
We stop at a gas station.
I buy four bags of Doritos,
'cause everything is half off to me now,
and once we arrive, I'm like,
"This is a really big weekend, so I'm gonna be sexy,"
which for me just means "be clean," so I took a bath.
So I get in the tub right away, and he walks in,
and he kneels down over the tub, so he goes,
"Hey.
I just want you to know
that I'm not proposing to you this weekend."
He's like, "Yeah."
Did someone just say, "Hell yeah?"
Security.
He goes,
"I just didn't want you to be thinking about it every time
we took a walk, or had a meal,
or made eye contact."
And I just say back--I'm like,
"I just want you to know that I just got my period.
It's really heavy."
He's like, "How heavy?"
I'm like, "Have you seen 'Kill Bill Part 2'"?
I was upset, okay?
I got out of the tub.
I dried off. I put my clothes on.
I packed up my stuff, and I headed for the door,
and I just started going off on him.
And then he stops me. He's like, "Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
I just meant I'm not proposing to you this weekend, okay?
I'm gonna propose. It's just that the ring isn't ready.
I didn't want to say anything. I wanted it to be a surprise."
I'm like, "Oh. Oh.
I wish you would have told me that, like,
before I said I hated your family.
It's all good."
Anyways, we had a nice weekend.
A few weeks later he proposed.
I said yes. We got engaged.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Anyways, he proposed to me with a family diamond
which when I first heard it was a family diamond
I was kind of like, "Ew."
It's kind of scary.
Like, I don't know anything about the people
who wore this ring before me,
other than that they all got old and died.
It sounds cursed.
It's also not like he's a Kennedy, okay?
He's Ashkenazi Jew.
They don't have the most romantic history.
So I have the family diamond.
It's actually really pretty.
I do enjoy it,
and every time I look at it I'm just like,
[sighs]
"Nana couldn't smuggle something
a little bigger out of Germany?"
I don't know.
I'm half Jewish, half regular. Relax.