>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"" WITH JON STEWART RIGHT HERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM THRILLED AND HONORED TO SAY MY
NEXT GUESTS ARE COMEDIANS, MOVIE STARS, AND LATE-NIGHT HOSTS.
PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF "FULL FRONTAL," SAMANTHA BEE!
THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," JOHN OLIVER!
STAR OF "THE HANGOVER" MOVIES AND "THE OFFICE," ED HELMS!
STAR OF "HOT TUB TIME MACHINE" AND "BALLERS," ROB CORDDRY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M NOT GOING TO HUG YOU THIS TIME.
CORDDRY, CORDDRY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
PLEASE, AND WE SIT.
AND WE SIT.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>> THIS IS -- >> Stephen: NOW I'D LIKE TO
START OFF BY STAYING -- >> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, AM I DOING
THIS WRONG?
>> Stephen: JUST DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.
DON'T GIVE HIM FOOD OR HE WON'T GO AWAY.
I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING THIS ARRANGEMENT WE HAVE RIGHT
NOW IS EXACTLY SOMETHING WE WOULD HAVE MADE FUN OF ON "THE
DAILY SHOW."
>> WE WOULD HAVE!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT LOOK LIKES -- IT LOOKS LIKE A MORNING
SHOW RIGHT NOW.
>> IT DOES.
EMPTY-- EMPTY COFFEE MUGS.
>> THE THING I'M PROUDEST OF FROM "THE DAILY SHOW" WAS
DIVERSITY.
I THINK THAT'S THE THING THAT-- ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THIS PROVES.
>> THERE'S A BALD GUY.
>> YEAH.
>> I'M NOT WEARING A JACKET.
>> Stephen: SO, OKAY, SO, JON, YOU START "THE DAILY SHOW."
LET'S GO DOWN MEMORY LANE.
YOU START "THE DAILY SHOW" IN 1999.
>> I STARTED IN IT IN 1999.
IT STARTED IN '96.
>> Stephen: THERE IS NO PROOF THAT "THE DAILY SHOW" EXISTED
BEFORE YOU GOT THERE.
BECAUSE I'VE LOOKED AT THE COMEDY CENTRAL WEBSITE AND I
THINK THEY BURNED ALL THE TAPES.
( LAUGHTER ) I STARTED -- I WAS THERE BEFORE
JON-- NOT TO THROW WEIGHT AROUND.
I WAS AT "THE DAILY SHOW" BEFORE YOU WERE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I STARTED 20 YEARS AGO?
>> I MET YOU AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE I GOT TO BE
INTRODUCED AS THE HOST.
STEPHEN SHOWED UP AND ASKED ME A QUESTION AS A MEMBER OF THE
PRESS.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED YOU WERE
GOING TO BE THERE IN PERSON-- WHICH THEY DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ON
THE STAFF THAT JON WAS GOING TO BE THE NEW HOST.
THEY ANNOUNCED A PRESS CONFERENCE.
I SAID ON "THE DAILY SHOW" I THINK WE WOULD COVER THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE.
I SHOWED UP UNANNOUNCED AND SAID, "MR. STEWART, THE FACT
THAT YOU'VE BEEN ANNOUNCED AS THE HOST OF THE "THE DAILY
SHOW."
HOW DOES THAT IMPACT MY CHANCES OF BECOMING HOST OF "THE DAILY
SHOW"?
>> AND I SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME HE WASN'T FUNNY IN?
>> Stephen: AND THEREBY A GREAT FRIENDSHIP WAS BORN.
WHO STARTED NEXT AFTER ME?
WHEN DID YOU START?
>> WE BOTH STARTED THE EXACT SAME TIME.
>> THE SAME DAY-- WE AUDITIONED YOU TWO ON THE SAME DAY.
>> Stephen: THERE WERE AWE DISWRIEGZ OH, YEAH.
WE HAD A WHOLE PROCESS.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> WENT THROUGH THE GAUNTLET >> AND YOU FIND OUT LATER THOSE
AUDITIONS ARE TELEVISED THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE BUILDING.
>> YES, YES!
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE SITTING THERE AND EVERYBODY IS WATCHING
IT?
>> IT'S ON ALL THE MONITORS IN THE ENTIRE BUILDING.
>> Stephen: IF YOU GUYS DON'T REMEMBER YOUR EARLY FIELD PIECES
WE HAVE A CLIP TOGETHER HERE OF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST A LITTLE SNIPPET.
IT'S A LITTLE SNIPPET HERE.
IT STARTS OFF WITH ED.
IT'S YOU GETTING A MOLE REMOVED FROM YOUR NOSE WAS YOUR FIRST
PIECE.
I THINK YOU'RE COVERING GAY PENGUINS.
>> YEAH.
IT WASN'T MY FIRST BUT -- >> Stephen: EARLY ONES.
>> A CLASSIC BEE PIECE.
>> Stephen: ROB, I THINK THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HOW
SPIDER-MAN PRAYS?
>> I DON'T REMEMBER.
>> Stephen: AND, OLIVER, YOURS IS ABOUT WAR REENACTORS.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: JIM.
>> IT'S A MOLE, A HARMLESS MOLE.
>> IF I WERE TO GET THIS REMOVED, IS THE TUBE IN MY
RECTUM, IS THAT A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PART?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> IN YOUR RECTUM?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> IS THAT-- >> IN THE RECTUM?
>> IF YOU WERE TO BELIEVE THE PRODUCERS OF "SPIDER-MAN" A
LEOTARD IS A SEXY OUTFIT THAT ATTRACTS THE LADIES.
BUT AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE INVESTIGATION, I LEARNED THAT
THAT IS SIMPLY NOT CASE.
( BEEPING ) REALLY FUNNY, THANK YOU.
>> HOW MANY PAIRS DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE?
>> THREE PAIRS THAT ARE SAME SEX.
ONE FEMALE-FEMALE PAIR AMONG THE GENTU PENGUINS, AND TWO
MALE-MALE PAIRS AMONG THE CHIN STRAPS.
>> SO TWO OF YOUR GENTU PENGUINS AND FOUR OF YOUR (BLEEP)
PENGUINS ARE GAY.
>> CHIN STRAP PENGUINS.
>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
>> AAARRGGHH!
FREEDOM!
AAARRGGHH!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> JOHN OLIVER HAD COME FACE TO FACE WITH THE TRUE FACE OF WAR.
I THINK I'VE BROKEN MY NOSE.
I WAS GRAVELY INJURED.
IT REPLAYED IN MY MIND IN BLACK AND WHITE, IN SLOW MOTION, WITH
CARTOON SOUND EFFECT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> YUP, YUP.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
JOHN, DID YOU EVER-- DID YOU EVER FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT YOU
WERE SENDING US OUT TO DO?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
I ENJOYED IT AND WOULD TRY AND HEIGHTEN IT.
>> YEAH.
>> JOHN'S LUCKY WE DIDN'T DO THAT BIT ON PAVEMENT.
WE WERE GOING TO DO THAT WHOLE --
>> Stephen: SAM, DO YOU REMEMBER GOING OUT AND BEING
AFRAID LIKE THIS PERSON MIGHT THROW A PUNCH AT ME OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT?
>> OH, YEAH.
OH, DEFINITELY!
OH, FOR SURE.
I MEAN, I WOULD SPEND DAYS WITH THE WORST HOMOPHOBES AND
SOMETIMES JUST THE WORST PEOPLE YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE, AND
YOU HAVE TO GET THEM TO ENGAGE IN THIS BIG SKETCH THAT YOU'VE
DONE AND YOU'VE TAKEN THREE AIRPLANES TO GET THERE, AND YOU
NEED THEM TO GIVE YOU SOME CONTENT.
SO YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY NICE TO THEM ALL DAY IN THEIR HOMES--
>> BIG HOMOPHOBES WERE NEVER AROUND GOOD TRAVEL HUBS.
>> THEY WERE NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THAT WAS ALWAYS THE WORST
PART ABOUT THE BIG HOMOPHOBES.
ALWAYS HAD TO TAKE A LITTLE PUDDLE PLANE AND ANOTHER LITTLE
THING.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAD TO FLEE THE KLAN ONE NIGHT.
THAT WAS MY SECOND FIELD PIECE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I MADE THE MISTAKE-- WE WERE DOING COMEDY
CENTRAL STATION I.D.s AT THE TIME ON OUR SHOOTS, AND WE WENT
OUT TO A CROSS BURNING IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, AND AS YOU DO, IT
WAS A SUMMER KIRK LIKE, "LET'S FIND OUT WHERE THE KLAN WAS
FORMED."
WE WENT TO POLASKI, TENNESSEE-- >> DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
"STEEL MAGNOLIAS."
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T KNOW WHO I WAS, AND WE GO OUT TO THIS
CROSS BURNING ON THE COUNTRYSIDE AND I SAID THIS WOULD BE A
PERFECT SUMMER KICKER.
AND I SAID, "I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND THIS IS COMEDY
CENTRAL."
AND I LOOKED AROUND AND THEN THERE ARE GUYS, BIG GUYS IN
HOODZ SAYING TO ME, "COMEDY WHAT?
WHAT IS THIS NOW?
WHERE ARE YOU ALL FROM?" AND I SAID-- I SAID, "MY
PRODUCER RIGHT HERE WILL TALK TO YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND AS YOU KNOW, ALL THE
PRODUCERS-- SO THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT-- ALL THE PRODUCERS ARE
SHORT JEWS.
SO BASICALLY, HE'S SENDING A SMALL MOUSE INTO A LION'S DEN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THIS IS ACTUALLY-- AND A WOMAN AS WELL.
SHE CAME OVER AT THE MOMENT.
AND SHE GOES, "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?"
AND HE GOES, "WHAT'S THIS COMEDY THING?
YOU MAKING FUN OF THE KLAN?" AND SHE GOES,"LOOK, GUYS, THE
PRESIDENT OF THE KLAN IS OVER THERE ACROSS THE FIELD AND HE
KNOWS ALL ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING GO TALK TO HIM."
AND HE SAID,"WE'RE GOING TO."
AND THEY ALL WALK ACROSS THE FIELD.
AND SHE SAID, "HAUL ASS!" AND WE RAN AS FAST AS WE COULD.
>> THAT'S AWESOME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
SAM BEE, JOHN OLIVER, JON STEWART, ED HELMS, AND ROB
CORDDRY. STICK AROUND.