Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the program.
Today, discussing Noxoddamil with Dr. Manfred Leech.
He expert on Noxoddamil, pharmaceutical in our water supply.
How is it affecting the unrest throughout our city?
[screams] Dr. Manfred Leech, go!
Well of course, Noxoddamil was engineered to -- Please ask your doctor if Noxoddamil
is right -- alter the users experience of space/time reality through direct intervention
-- genetically modified mycological agents.
It -- and slight restructuring of the brain's temporal, spatial, and some might say teleological
perceptive subsystems.
Police officers fighting monsters?
Unrest with batons and mace!
Join us after the break for more with Dr. Manfred Leech! [scream] Welcome to slavery.
No thanks.
I already had a wife.
[gunshot]
Hello there, my name is Dr. Anton Jessup,
curator of Monster Studies here at the university.
The recent Noxoddamil crisis has reduced our campus to an apocalyptic wasteland, and most
of the student body to drooling sex zombies.
Oh calm down, calm down.
It's a tragedy for sure.
But with my recent bout of lycanthropy behind me, I can now rise up from the university
basement and reclaim my old classroom.
Given the current sexpocalypse it's my responsibility to educate the youth.
So I figured a good old fashioned sexual education course was in order.
I've even invited a few friends to audit the course.
I may not know much about human sexuality, but I'm very well acquainted with the monstrous.
So if all the females would leave the room... yes, you too.
Excellent.
We can now begin a young man's essential education into the seductive ways of the female vampire!
The sexy female vampire makes its home in musty old castles, shady clubs and of course
biker bars built atop ancient Aztec temples.
They might SEEM full of life and lust.
They might SEEM to be looking for a good time, but all they REALLY want is an opportunity
to sink in their fangs and steal a few pints of YOUR hard-earned American blood.
Heterosexual males aren’t the only ones at risk.
Lesbian sexy vampires have posed a major threat since at least the 1970s -- and sexy man-vamps
have proven rather indiscriminate in their thirst for blood.
But clearly the sexy female blood drinker poses the greatest risk to human males…
poor dumb human males…
Sexy vampires are not even human, they merely masquerade as irresistible members of their
favorite prey species.
And they're not the only creature to do it.
Can anyone name another? Yes, Vulgaris.
[Growl]
Exactly!
Let us now enter the world of the firefly.
Among natural-world organisms, female fireflies of the genus Photuris have sexually-deceptive
predation down to an art form.
Also known quite fittingly as femme fatale lightning bugs, the female mimics the flash
signals of a mating female Photinus lightning bug — a related but separate species.
But she’s not interested in interspecies sex, gentlemen.
The whole show is mere charade to draw in horny, male Photinus lightning bugs
and devour them.
Not only does she gobble up their delicious nutrients, she also absorbs their defensive
steroid lucibufagins.
You see, lucibufagins provide protection against predatory jumping spiders.
The arachnid hunters abhor it.
But while the photinus lightning bugs naturally produce the compound, the only way deceptive
Photuris can acquire this biological power-up is to suck it from the body
of her seduced prey.
The more lucibufagins she gobbles up, the more untouchable she becomes to the predator,
and really… he doesn't need it anymore, does he?
Perhaps the single male human also boasts some additive that sexy vamps use to protect
themselves from their enemies.
Is there werewolf-deterring silver in axe body spray?
More research is required…
So beware gentlemen.
Love the ladies by all means, but fear the fang.
Make sure to eat garlic on all of your dates, bring along an unhaunted mirror, because she
might not be after your heart after all,
as much as the delicious liquid coursing through it.
Speaking of which, Maxwell, there's a thermos of O positive in the cooler for you.
And if you would, end transmission.
[static]
All right class, calm down, calm down.
Let's take a little role, bit of role here.
Roll call.
Ah, Freudstein, Jacob?
Here.
Yeren.
[monster sound].
A here will suffice.
All right, uh, Tim?
Victor Tim?
All right, absent.
Who else?
Who else is here?
Close enough.