[ LAUGHTER ] >>> SENATOR COLLINS, THANK YOU
FOR MEETING ME BACK IN THE CHAMBER TONIGHT.
I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THE DEMOCRATS CASE?
>> WELL, I WAS UPSET THAT ADAM SCHIFF SAID REPUBLICANS ARE
AFRAID OF STANDING UP TO THE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE IF TRUMP EVER
TRIED TO INTIMIDATE SUSAN COLLINS, I'D WALK RIGHT UP TO
HIM AND SAY, YOU DON'T DEFEND -- I LOVE YOU.
>> WELL, WE ALL KNOW THIS IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDING IS A SHAM
AND A HOAX. REPUBLICANS ARE SIMPLY
REQUESTING A FAIR TRIAL, NO WITNESSES, NO EVIDENCE.
THAT WAY WE CAN ACQUIT PRESIDENT TRUMP AND FOCUS ON THE REAL
PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY, TEENAGERS WHO TRY MARIJUANA.
>> I'M STILL ON THE FENCE. >> DON'T WORRY, OUR STAR DEFENSE
ATTORNEY IS PRESENTING HIS CASE ON MONDAY.
HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW TO PRESENT HIS ARGUMENTS.
MR. DERSHOWITZ, YOU WANT TO GET IN HERE?
>> HELLO, HELLO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, HELLO. JEALOUS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YES, HELLO, EVERYONE, IT'S I,
ALAN DERSHOWITZ. IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE.
BECAUSE I'M NOT WELCOME ANYWHERE ELSE.
A LOT OF HATERS OUT THERE, FOR NO GOOD REASON.
BUT LIKE I SAID TO MY CLIENT AND MY DEAR FRIEND JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
HATERS GONNA HATE. >> YEAH, ALAN, I THINK YOU'RE
GOING TO WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM EPSTEIN.
>> OH, RIGHT, GOOD POINT. LET ME TRY AGAIN.
NOW, MEMBERS OF THE SENATE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A LOT LIKE
ANOTHER CLIENT OF MINE, SIR O.J. SIMPSON.
>> ALAN. >> YES?
>> COULD YOU NOT MENTION YOUR PREVIOUS CLIENTS IN CONNECTION
WITH THE PRESIDENT, IT'S NOT A GREAT LOOK.
>> OH, HEY, IT'S NOT A GREAT LOOK IS PRINTED ON MY BUSINESS
CARDS. >> ALAN?
>> I DIGRESS. IF I LEARNED ONE THING FROM MY
TIME WITH ACCUSED WIFE MURDERER KLAUS VONBULOW, IS THAT
APPEARANCES ARE DECEIVING. TRUMP COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE
GUILTY BECAUSE -- >> ALAN?
>> ALAN, ARE YOU OKAY? >> OH, MY -- MY HEART.
♪♪♪ [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY, OH, MY GOSH.
LOOK AT THAT, FREAKIN' ALAN DERSHOWITZ.
>> I'M IN HELL? >> NO.
YES, YOU ARE. LET ME EXPLAIN.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN DYING, I'M GOING TO SEND YOU UPSTAIRS IN A
MINUTE. I JUST WANTED TO MEET YOU.
I'M A HUGE FAN. >> THANK YOU.
>> SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE THE GOAT. I SHOULD KNOW, THAT'S WHAT MY
LEGS ARE MADE OF. PULL UP A ROCK.
THIS IS CRAZY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
I'M ABOUT TO FAN GIRL OUT RIGHT NOW.
YOU MIND IF I RECORD THIS FOR MY POD CAST.
>> YOU HAVE A POD CAST? >> YEAH, I INVENTED THEM.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. HERE WE GO.
>> WHAT'S YOUR -- MAIN SQUEEZE, THE DEVIL.
REMINDING YOU TO VISIT ADAMANDEVE.COM FOR ALL OF YOUR
ADULT TOYS. AND SHOUT OUT TO ALL OUR OTHER
SPONSORS TOO, LIKE VAPING, YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO START
VAPING. AND, OF COURSE, MY PILLOW, NOT
THE PILLOW, THE GUY. WE'RE HERE WITH THE ALAN
DERSHOWITZ. >> YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.
>> HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS TRUMP DEFENSE?
YEARS AGO, YOU SAID YOU DON'T NEED A CRIME TO IMPEACH THE
PRESIDENT. NOW YOU SAY YOU NEED SOMETHING
CRIME LIKE. >> YES, WHEN --
>> I GOT TO ASK, IS THERE ANYONE YOU WOULDN'T REPRESENT?
>> WELL, AS LONG AS THE CLIENT IS FAMOUS ENOUGH TO GET ME ON
TV, IT'S ALL DUCKY, I GUESS. >> THAT'S A WASTE OF TIME.
I USED TO LET NOBODY'S INTO HEL, NOW IT'S ALL INFLUENCERS.
FAST PASS STRAIGHT TO HELL. >> FAST PASS LIKE AT DISNEY
WORLD OR -- >> YEAH, THE FOLKS AT DISNEY
TRIED OUT FAST PASS IN HELL BEFORE IT WENT TO ORLANDO.
FRANKLY, A LOT OF STUFF IN ORLANDO STARTED OUT RIGHT HERE.
A LOT OF FRIENDS WANTED TO STOP BY AND SEE YOU.
>> HEY, HEY. >> LOOK WHO IT IS, JEFFREY
EPSTEIN. NICE TO SEE YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> JUST HANGIN'.
>> HELLO. VERY NICE.
>> I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PRESIDENT.
ALL WE GET DOWN HERE IS FOX NEWS AND IT'S BEEN A JOY TO SEE YOUR
WORK. >> I WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN
THERE IN PERSON. >> YEAH, YEAH.
TOO BAD I WAS MURDERED. >> I KNOW.
TRUST ME, I KNOW. >> TOTALLY.
YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS. >> WHO ARE YOU?
>> HE'S UM -- WELL, YOU TELL THEM.
>> I WROTE BABY SHARK. >> OH, MY GOD, GENIUS.
>> AND THAT'S WHY. ♪ I'M IN HELL, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
YOU KNOW THE REST. >> DID SOMEONE SAY HELL?
YEAH, I MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL SO I CAN BE ON TV FOREVER.
>> MA'AM. I WISH I HAD DONE THAT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, PLANTER'S JUST KILLED OFF MR. PEANUT.
>> AND YOU ENDED UP IN HELL. >> WELL, I TOOK OUT A LOT OF
FIRST GRADERS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES.
PLUS, I NEVER WORE PANTS. >> SPEAKING OF NO PANTS, YOU
ABOUT DONE HERE ALAN? WE HAVE A LOT MORE WORK TO DO
FOR MR. TRUMP. >> YOU'RE IN HELL TOO, MITCH?
>> NO, BUT I COME DOWN HERE AND USE IT AS A SAUNA.
>> DID YOU DO THAT THING WITH MERRICK GARLAND I PITCHED YOU?
>> IT WORKED GRACE. >> THE SMILE ON MITCH
McCONNELL'S FACE IS THANKS ENOUGH.
>> AW. >> ALL RIGHT, WELL, SATAN, VERY
NICE MEETING YOU, AND I KNOW -- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO
SAY THIS, BUT I -- I ALWAYS SUSPECTED THAT YOU WERE A WOMAN.
>> YEAH, I APPEAR DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> FOR ME, THE DEVIL IS A WOMAN MY OWN AGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT, WE GOT TO
SKEDADDLE. >> WE HAVE TO PLAY DOUBLES
TENNIS AGAINST THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS.
>> AH, THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS, THE ONES THAT GOT AWAY.
>> GOOD LUCK, MR. DERSHOWITZ, WE'RE GOING TO BE WATCHING THE
TRIAL THIS WEEK, MAKE US PROUD. IF WE GET OUR TV'S FIXED IN
TIME. WHERE IS OUR IT GUY?
MARK ZUCKERBERG. >> ALMOST DONE, BOSS.
I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW I DON'T ENDORSE EVIL, I JUST HELP
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SHARE IT. >> EVEN FOR ME, THAT'S HAUNTING.
ALAN, YOU WANT TO DO THIS WITH ME, BUD.
>> I'D BE HONORED. LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT