>> Stephen: FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A DELIGHTFUL STAND-UP
COMEDIAN WHO NOW STARS IN "STAR TREK: DISCOVERY."
PLEASE WELCOME TIG NOTARO!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WAS NOT ON THE
SHOW.
WE HAD-- WE HAD A SURPRISE MEETING.
>> WE DID.
I-- WELL, I TOOK A TRAIN FROM D.C.
I WAS GOING TO NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO.
>> YES.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT WOULD BE DARING.
>> WELL, WHEN I GOT ON THE TRAIN, I GOT INTO THAT CAR, THE
WOMAN WORKING, SHE SAID, YOU KNOW, SIT WHEREVER YOU WANT.
WE'RE PRETTY LIGHT TONIGHT."
>> Stephen: THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE ON THE CAR BUT YOU.
>> RIGHT.
AND THEN I HEARD ONE OTHER PERSON SHUFFLE IN.
AND THEN I SAW OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, THAT THEY WERE GOING
TO SIT ACROSS THE AISLE FROM ME.
AND I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOD.
THIS WHOLE CAR IS EMPTY.
MUST-- MUST YOU SIT RIGHT NEXT THERE?
( LAUGHTER )
AND...
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE WERE-- WE WERE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE ON THE CAR.
>> Stephen: THEN WE SAT THERE AND WE TALKED FOR, LIKE, TWO
HOURS AND 45 MINUTES.
IT WAS JUST DELIGHTFUL >> I KNOW.
I TOLD PEOPLE THAT YOU AND I WERE THE TWO-- ONLY ONES ON THAT
RIDE.
AND THEY WERE LIKE, "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE!"
AND WE JUST SHOWED EACH OTHER VIDEOS OF OUR CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
HOW IS YOUR FAMILY, SPEAKING OF KIDS AND FAMILY?
>> THEY'RE GREAT.
YUP, MY SONS WILL BE THREE IN JUNE.
AND -- >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S-- SO
YOU'VE STILL GOT THE 2s.
WE'RE STILL ON THE 2s RIGHT NOW.
>> YES, AND I THOUGHT YOU THOUGHT MAYBE I GOT RID OF ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE THE 2, REALLY?
>> YEAH.
YUP, I KEPT THEM.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE TERRIBLE 2 THING?
>> I REFUSE TO SAY IT.
I REFUSE TO SAY IT.
WE DO HAVE SOME TOUGH TIMES.
BUT I REFUSE TO SAY "TERRIBLE TWOS."
>> Stephen: "TOUGH TIME TWOS."
>> TOUGH TIME TWOS.
>> Stephen: MY PEOPLE WHO SAY TERRIBLE TWOS HAVE NEVER HAD A
THREE-YEAR-OLD.
BECAUSE ATTITUDE NEAL, THEY'RE THE SAME, BUT THEY'RE STRONGER.
( LAUGHTER )
I WOULD IMAGINE IT GETS DIFFICULT.
>> Stephen: I STILL HAVE TEENAGERS.
SO LEGALLY I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> WELL, MY WIFE AND I, WE WORK TOGETHER, AND WE USUALLY LEAVE
THE HOUSE WHEN WE GO TO WORK.
AND THEN WE COME BACK TOGETHER.
AND ONE DAY, WE WERE WORKING SEPARATELY, AND THE ALARM ON OUR
HOUSE UPON SAY, "FRONT DOOR OPEN," OR "SIDE DOOR OPEN."
AND I CAMPAIGN HOPE ALONE ONE DAY.
AND WHEN I WALKED IN THE SIDE DOOR IT SAID, "SIDE DOOR OPEN."
AND THE BOYS WERE BOTH YELLING-- THEY CALL STEPHANIE "MOMMY."
AND THEY WERE SAYING, "MOMENT'S HOME!
MOMENT'S HOME!
YEAH, MOMENT'S HOME."
AND I CAME AROUND THE CORNER, AND MY SON FIN LOOKED BACK AT ME
AND THEN HE TURNED TO MAX AND HE SAID, "IT'S JUST HER."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
>> I LAUGHED SO HARD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
DIFFERENTIATING WHO THEY LIKE AT THAT AGE IS VERY ADVANCED.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: VERY ADVANCED.
YOU SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOW IN "STAR TREK: DISCOVERY."
>> I AM
>> Stephen: WHICH IS SOMETHING I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF, A
LITTLE JEALOUS OF.
I'M A BIG FAN OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
DID YOU GROW UP AS A BIG FAN OF THE "STAR TREK" CONTINUUM?
I WAS INTO IT WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND I HAD ALL
THE ACTION FIGURES I CARRIED IN MY BRIEFCASE TO SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: BRIEFCASE?
UH-HUH.
YOUR ATTACHE?
>> YEAH.
I REMEMBER I WANTED MY STEPFATHER'S BRIEFCASE WHEN HE
WAS GETTING RID OF IT.
AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT, EXPWTS PUT ALL MY
ACTION FIGURES IN AND WENT TO SCHOOL.
HAD NO IDEA I WASN'T COOL.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A GOOD TIME BEING ON THE SHOW.
I-- I NEVER-- I DIDN'T IMAGINE MY STAND-UP WOULD, YOU KNOW,
SEND ME TO OUTER SPACE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE AN ENGINEER.
YOU'RE AN ENGINEER.
>> ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: ON THE SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> FAR FROM ONE IN REAL LIFE.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
IT'S YOU, YOU'RE IN THE SICK BAY.
DO YOU WANT TO SET THIS UP IN ANY WAY?
>> YEAH, SURE.
I'M IN THE SICK BAY.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THERE.
JIM?
>> I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION.
>> COMMANDER.
YOU HAVE A, UH... HANG NAIL.
>> IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH AND IT'S ONE OF TWO THINGS CURRENTLY
IMPEDING MY WORK.
>> AND WHAT IS THE SECOND THING?
>> AN IDIOT.
HE CAME BAM BACKFROM THE DEAD AND HIS NAME RHYME WITH POO.
I'M A ENGINEER, NOT A POET.
>> REALLY?
>> OW!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> MEDICAL ATTENTION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I REALLY BELIEVED YOU HAD A HANG NAIL.
I REALLY BELIEVED YOU HAD EYE HANG NAIL.
YOU REALLY SOLD THAT.
>> YEAH, I'M QUITE THE ACTOR.
>> Stephen: TIG, IT WAS GOOD TO YOU.
THANKS SO MUCH.
"STAR TREK: DISCOVERY" IS ON CBS ALL ACCESS. TIG NOTARO,
EVERYBODY!