Andrea and Curtis had been married for 8 years.
They had always been a couple that was deeply in love with each other, and they felt that
they had built a very strong foundation for their marriage.
However, over time, like with all marriages, the passion and excitement died down.
They have one child with autism… and the bills were becoming an issue.
This put a lot of strain on their marriage, and they had less and less time for one another…
let alone the energy to maintain their relationship.
Before, when Curtis came home after work, he would go straight to Andrea, hug her, kiss
her, and ask about her day.
But now?
Curtis goes straight to the couch to watch the Flyers hockey game… and since they would
go to bed at two different times, they would barely interact with each other.
Andrea began feeling withdrawn and dispassionate.
Initially she thought it was just a phase, and that things would turn around… but she
began losing hope, and she was worried that their family was going to fall apart.
From Curtis’s perspective, he was sick and tired of all the arguments about the bills
and he was incredibly stressed out at work.
He started putting in more and more hours in… and started picking up extra shifts
on the weekend.
He was overworked, miserable, and fatigued, and because of it, he was taking out all of
his frustration on his marriage and Andrea.
At the same time, Curtis felt like Andrea was drifting away from him too… and thinking
about losing her and their marriage made his stomach turn… but he didn’t know where
to begin when it came to healing their relationship, and he felt like he just didn’t have the
energy to think about it either.
Anyone who has married knows that marriage is never a smooth road.
There are inevitably going to be cracks in the armor that are going to test your relationship’s
resolve.
Have you ever had a moment where you’ve sat down and thought to yourself, “Does
my partner still love me?”
Like Curtis and Andrew, maybe your partner has been showing some signs that their commitment
to your marriage simply isn’t there… and that they might be thinking about leaving
you altogether.
Hey YouTube, Brad Browning here.
I’m a relationship coach from western Canada and today I’m going to share with you some
subtle signs that your marriage is falling apart.
The thing is, when problems start to creep into a marriage, they’re not always obvious.
Though most people think of screaming matches or divorce threats, there are actually many
more subtle signs to be weary of.
Before I go ahead and share with you the top eight things to look for, I’d like to take
a moment to tell you about a helpful online quiz that will let you know your odds for
saving your marriage, and will also give you advice for what you should do next.
To take the quiz go to www.marriageguy.com/quiz.
Now, let’s get started.
1.
Your focus has switched from “us” to “I”
When you and your spouse first got together, you were probably in the “us” mindset.
You made plans together and worked around one another’s schedules.
You would constantly make plans with your spouse… even doing mundane tasks like going
to the hardware store or picking up groceries were done with your spouse.
But over time, maybe that fades… and you’re left with a mindset that is completely different.
While it’s normal for the “honeymoon” stage to end and for spouses to slip into
their own personal routines, if your collective mindset has switched from “us” to “I”
then it’s a sure sign that your marriage has some underlying issues.
So is your partner making more plans WITHOUT you?
Are they spending more time with their friends than you?
Are they trying to find excuses to leave you behind at the house while they enjoy their
alone time?
If your partner is just trying to find ways to get away from you, this could be a sign
that the foundation of your marriage may be a little shaky.
2.
Your spouse is not to your go-to person
There was likely a time when your spouse was the person you went to for everything.
Whether it was someone to vent to, or someone to share your daily stories with, he or she
was THAT person for you.
If either of you have started turning to others then it could be because your communication
is lacking.
Remember, it takes openness and honesty for your marriage to be healthy and go the distance.
If this isn’t happening then it could be a sign that your love life is in trouble.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be your EVERYTHING for your spouse.
You will have to adjust your expectations when it comes to what you and your spouse
expect from each other in marriage.
It is okay to have a golfing partner because your spouse hates golfing; and it’s okay
to gossip about reality TV with your best friend because that just isn’t your partner’s
cup of tea.
But there is one thing for certain; you want to be your spouse’s primary sounding board
for MOST things that are happening in their life.
So if they’re talking to friends about their issues instead of you, then it’s time to
re-examine how you two communicate and see if there’s anything you can do to fix this
pressing issue.
3.
You’re comparing your spouse to others
If you find yourself comparing your spouse to others, or wishing they were more like
someone else, then it’s a sure sign that you’re not totally happy in your marriage.
Even if it’s hypothetical, once these kind of thoughts start creeping in, it’s time
to take a step back and look for whatever issues are causing you to feel this way.
Listen, nobody is perfect.
And of course there are going to be people out there that are better than your spouse
in some areas.
But remember that it’s easy to overlook all your spouse’s amazing qualities when
something new and shiny is right in front of you.
The truth is, other people are probably looking at YOUR spouse in that way too.
So if you find yourself comparing your spouse to others, just realize that the person you’re
comparing your spouse too is most definitely NOT perfect.
They probably have a host of other underlying issues that you’re simply not aware of,
so oftentimes making these comparisons is a pointless and misleading exercise.
Don’t take your spouse for granted!
4.
You’re living separate lives
He goes out with his buddies every night after work.
She spends her weekends hanging with her lady friends.
If you and your spouse are living two completely separate lives then it’s a sure sign that
your marriage isn’t in a healthy place.
While it’s important that you and your spouse have your own things on the go, it’s also
important that your individual lives don’t overtake your life as a married couple.
Just like in tip number 1, if the focus of your spouse’s life is their own life, then
it’s time to re-evaluate how you guys are treating the marriage.
Being in a marriage means being a TEAM.
It’s about fighting for each other, supporting each other, and loving each other.
But if this stops being the case, then this definitely a sign that you and your spouse
are falling apart from one another.
If this is you, you’re going to want to broach this topic carefully… because it
IS important for your spouse to pursue goals and passions outside of the marriage.
However, this can obviously go too far and you and your spouse have to be aware of this.
5.
You’re wondering “what if”
Contemplating what your life would be if you made different decisions is normal.
However, if you’re constantly asking yourself what life without your spouse would be like,
then it’s a sign that something is up.
Happily married couples can’t imagine life without their partner, which is why this is
a warning that something isn’t right.
To find out how deep your marital issues run visit www.marriageguy.com/quiz and take the
free online test.
Based on your results, you’ll also receive feedback for what you should be doing to turn
your marriage around.
Again, the URL is www.marriageguy.com/quiz.
6.
You’re keeping score
Have you or your spouse been keeping tabs on who does what?
Say for instance, one of you is making more of an effort to spend time together, or is
trying harder to make the other happy.
Or, on the other hand, maybe one of you has been noting all the things the other does
“wrong.”
When marriages become a tally of who the better spouse is, then it may be a way for that spouse
to convince themselves that you shouldn’t be together.
After all, marriage is about teamwork, not rivalry.
7.
You’re roommates, not lovers
While it’s important to be friends with your spouse, if your relationship feels more
like a friendship than a marriage, it could be a sign that something is missing.
Yes, it’s great to be able to order a pizza and watch Netflix together, but unless there’s
some sort of deeper bond then it may be time to take a step back and evaluate your relationship.
A good sign to look for here is if you and your spouse have to put on an act and pretend
to be a happy, loving family around others.
If you’re faking it, then that’s a huge red flag that your marriage is in trouble.
And of course, a not-so-subtle sign that your marriage is falling apart is if the intimacy
has completely fallen off.
Like I said in many of my other videos, the natural waning of your sex life is 100% natural
and expected.
It doesn’t mean that your marriage is falling apart, nor does it mean that anything is wrong.
The amount of sex that you have is totally up to both of you.
However, if there is a big disparity between how much sex you want versus your partner,
this can be a pretty huge sign that one of you thinks of the marriage more as a friendship
than a marriage.
8.
You’re not fighting… or loving.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this video, oftentimes couples don’t realize that their
marriage has issues if they haven’t been arguing or fighting.
The truth is though, that even if you and your spouse are getting along swimmingly,
if you’re not loving each other then your marriage may be falling apart.
What’s worse is if you’re not fighting because you’re bottling up your emotions.
When this happens resentment starts to build and before you know it you’re a firecracker
just waiting to be lit.
That’s why it’s so important to take the time to check in with your emotions and remember,
just because all appears well on the outside, doesn’t mean it really is...
It's also equally important to check in with your spouse from time to time to air out your
grievances.
These conversations can be brutal moments, especially if your spouse has something deeply
hurtful to say… or if they feel like something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
But the more you check in with your spouse, the earlier you can air these grievances so
they don’t grow into something more serious.
In the case of Andrea and Curtis, this was one of the tactics that I taught them that
helped put their marriage back on track.
I told them that they needed to have a “Marital Scrum” so to speak.
Every week, they would just take one hour to talk about their marriage.
I wouldn’t limit them to talking about what went wrong that week, but I would also let
them talk about what they loved about that week as well.
Forcing this moment of communication allowed them to clearly outline what was going wrong
in the marriage, and how each of them could help the relationship improve and grow.
And I am happy to report that after just 2 months of this hardline communication, Andrea
and Curtis are happily still working through their issues.
Of course, they have a lot to work on, but things are much better than they were before
listening to my marriage advice.
By the way, if you’re at all interested in signing up for my online marriage coaching
program, just visit MarriageGuy.com/coaching and sign up there.
Well, that just about does it for this video, as always, thanks so much for watching.
If you have any questions about what I’ve covered here feel free to post those in the
comments section below, I always love hearing from you guys.
Also, if you like what you learned here and would like to show your support for my channel
you can do so by subscribing and checking out more of my relationship advice videos.
So, until next time take care and all the best!