-What happens when 800 of the world's most elite footballers and their managers
live together under one roof?
Players stop being polite and start getting Real.
This is The Champions.
-A lot of things come easy to me.
Scoring goals, getting paid...
And looking like a Viking had a baby with a Ken doll.
-France is my home, Turin has my heart...
...and Manchester is a medium-sized city in the north-west of England.
-So, yeah, my coaching career is on the same trajectory as Dele Alli's playing career.
Oh no...I'm going to end up at Everton after Lampard gets sacked.
-Has any other team won the Champions League title, spent 100 million on a striker, and actually gotten worse?
Please say yes.
-[snoring]
George Washington, John Adams.
-OK, boys. It's time for a 'Pool party!
-Yay! -Oh yeah!
-I'm a shark! Dun dun dun dun dun dun.
-[grunting]
-Marco! -Asensio!
-I am not seeing your desire to swim!
-[grunting]
-Woah! Ah, help!
-No.
-I know, right? More like Pochetti-no thank you.
-Mhm. -The man is speaking truth.
-Hey, guys. I brought this steak.
-Ugh, Leo, come on, man. Now we've got too many mains. Look...
I brought hamburgers. Donatello brought hot dogs.
More meat just ain't gonna round out the meal.
-I brought a side salad that your wife made.
-See, that's useful!
-But they are world-class. I bankrupted Barcelona to get these.
-Well, they do look well-aged. Tell you what? Why don't you just throw them on the bench.
-Aw.
-Hey, you wanna have a good time in Greece? I know some places.
[loud engine] -Siuuuuuu!
-Hey, Cristiano? Not to be a negative 'Nandes, but I think your jet ski is too big for this pool.
-Maybe this pool is too small for my jet ski.
-That's the same thing.
-Great, same page. See? We're an excellent team.
-Shhh, check it out! Sadio Mane and Mo Salah are having a diving contest.
[excited exclamations]
-Yo, Mo's always been a good diver, but Sadio might low-key be as good.
-They're rivals and international opponents, but they still love and respect each other. It's so progressive!
-[flailing] -Oh!
-Hey, look at our rivalry! Messi vs. Ronaldo, right? Greatest of all time?
All my teams used to cater to my every whim.
And now I'm just expected to mesh with people? Ugh.
-Sometimes it feels like the only reason I'm here is because no one else could afford me.
-Uuh, stupid twenty-somethings. Fast bodies...[angry stuttering]. Ugh!
-Hey, Cristiano. Are you trying to get it over the wall, or...?
-No. -Oooh. I understand. And I relate.
-You know, it's funny, it used to bother me how much people talked about our rivalry.
Now it bothers me that they don't.
-Oh, I think I felt something.
-I wish my team would cherish me as much as I cherish myself.
-I wish my team had less strikers.
-I wish more department stores would carry my underwear brand!
-I wish I could be the GOAT forever!
-Uuh, is that normal?
-How would I know what normal looks like? I have a $25,000 wax figure of myself in my own house.
-Ah! -No, no, no, no!
-Aaaaaaaah!
[thuds]
[fart]
-Huh, that was weird.
Anyways, wanna go troll Lewandowski?
-Sure, let's go grab some of our Ballon d'Ors.
-Ah, Charles Dickens and double-decker buses.
-Another six-year contract? Sign me up!
No need for a buyout clause. I love playing here!
-Ugh, gross, who let Spurs in here?
[camera clicking]
-Yes, work those retro kits.
We're a football club, but more importantly, we're a lifestyle brand.
-Wait, Arsenal? OK, what the actual f--k is going on?
-Hey, Cristiano, I don't think we're in UEFA anymore.
-[gasp]
-I swear, if this is a multiverse situation, I am going to be so pissed.
-What happens when 300 of the world's most super footballers and their managers live together under one roof?
Players stop being polite and start getting paid!
This is...The Super League!
-There's only one thing I love more than penalties, and that's... [gulp]
Playing for the Super League.
-I also love playing for the Super League.
-It didn't sound like you meant that. Say it again.
-[sobs] -Say it. Again.
-I just want to play normal football. -Put him on the bench.
-No...no, not the bench! Noooo!
-We did it! -Yeah!
[laughing and cheering]
[clapping] -Great job, Romelu.
Keep up the good interviews.
-Wow, everything really is ass-backwards here, huh?
So, apparently Messi and I ripped a hole in the space-time continuum,
and now we're trapped in an alternate universe where the Super League happened.
Ugh, I never should have come back to England.
-[singing] The Supers!
-[announcer] This week: Lionel "El Cabro" Messi vs. Cristiano "I’m The Only Ronaldo" Ronaldo in another edition of El Clasico Weekly.
Watch these titans go toe-to-toe, just like last week. And the week before that!
For they are the Greatest of All Time. For All Time.
-That doesn't sound so bad.
-Oh my god. Can you imagine how many goals I must have in this universe? How many assists?
What's my xG?!
[drums]
[chanting] The best players. The best clubs. Every week.
[air horn]
-Alright, yo, we got some big matches coming up, so I wanna hear some bomb-ass story pitches.
-As the Director of Football, Drama Division, it's my job to make sure the games stay fresh...
by planning every detail ahead of time.
Who are the heroes? Who are the villains?
Who maybe shouldered the hopes of a nation by inheriting the 10 shirt from Ronaldinho only to underwhelm in the biggest moments?
I don't know, just shootin' ideas out there, man.
-Oh! What if I score nine goals in five minutes?
-Instead of a third-season meltdown, I could have a third-week meltdown.
-Honestly, if I put my mind to it, I think I could get two red cards in one game.
-Or maybe we just try our hardest to control the midfield and score enough goals to win?
[boos]
-Alright, quite goofin' around, Luka! Does anyone have any real ideas?
No!
-I can't take it anymore!
Every week I change my hair, I try new goal celebrations, but I never get a major storyline!
-Here's a major storyline for ya, Griez-boi. How about Overlord Pérez sends you out on loan to the Untouchables?
-Uhh. -[gasps]
[door opening]
-[gasp] Look at us! My skin is so tight.
-Wow, I look shorter in person.
-Sorry, we would have gotten here sooner if we were allowed to walk.
-You need to take rest day seriously. OK, boomer?
Now, come on. Let's pick the winner for this week's episode of the El Clasico.
-I don't care. Let him win.
-Sure, doesn't matter to me.
-A world where I don't care about winning? That is the most f--ked-up thing I've ever seen!
Uh! What is wrong with you?
-Kee-vin
-Aaaah!
[chaotic yelling] -Oh, my dudes, they went that way.
-OK, I think we lost them. Also I just want to point out that I was a little bit faster than you.
[door opening]
-Who are you?
-We are you guys from another universe.
[romantic music]
-Can I touch- [murmuring] -Woah, yes please.
-You, traitor. Why are you wearing a PSG kit?
[sad music] -You don't understand. In my universe, the Super League never happened.
Barca's in financial ruin. I...I had to feed my family.
-I am crying.
-It's not all bad. Last summer we won the Copa America.
-You won a trophy? With Argentina?
For me, that is a dream that can never come true.
FIFA was destroyed in the purge. International football is now just a fantasy tale you tell your children.
Like Santa Claus, or the away-goals rule.
We will buy you time to escape.
-Uh, never forget me, Crissy! -Hey, everyone. They're outside running towards the corner flag.
[door closing]
-Let's go home.
-[sigh] We're gonna have to rip another hole in the space-time continuum.
[dramatic music]
-Aaaaaaah!
[laughing] -Nope.
-Oh, f--k no!
-In this universe, horses and people have become one.
-Leo, look, I made it!
Leo? Huh.
Oh, well. Rivalry over. I win.
[keytar playing]
Jurgen Klopp?
-Oh, you know me? You must have one of my albums!
-No. Gross. What? You're the manager of Liverpool.
-The city? In England? That's crazy. I'm just a normal gegen-folk singer from Germany!
-Yeah, no. I don't have time for this. Just please tell me how to get to the mansion.
-Mansion...what do you...? What mansion?
-The mansion where you and 800 of the world's most elite football players and their managers live together under one roof?
-What is football? There's no such thing called football.
-What happens when 800 of the world's most elite football players are not football players...
Because they live in an alternate universe where football doesn't exist?
Not much.
This is The Randos.
-I have destroyed fine dining! Me. I did it.
I made a tasting menu without an entree. I call it The False Main.
OK, it's tapas. I reinvented tapas.
-Hi, I'm Phil. I'm 21, and I'm from Stockport. Get me in that villa, man!
-I'm sorry, do you think this is Love Island? -Uhhh, is it not?
-No, it's not even an island. -Oh, crumbs!
-Working at Hersheypark's not so bad! Maybe if the Peanut Butter Cup gets hurt, they'll make me starting mascot.
-Yo, thanks for checking out my dating profile. Some facts about me:
I'm into Batman cosplay and I work at a dive bar.
-Come along, Diego.
Around here, I'm known as the goatherd.
It's a simple job watching my goats and tending to my crops, but I can't imagine doing anything else.
Sometimes, I think in another life, I was a goat.
These are all my county fair trophies. I have seven Ballon D'Oranges...
But honestly, I didn't deserve the last one, so...
[knocking]
Eeeh, you'll have to excuse me. I don't usually get visitors here.
-Leo, oh, thank god. The things I had to do to find you. I had to fly commercial, I had to eat an airport sandwich. Ugh.
Anyways, not important. Listen, I'm from another universe where you and I are rivals in a thing called football.
And we're very rich and very famous, but I'm more famous and to be fair I do work at it harder than you...
But the point is I need your help because the only way I can get back to my universe is for you and me to kick footballs at each other as hard as we can.
So, Lionel Messi, will you kick balls with me?
-OK.
-On my signal. 3...2...
Signal!
-Aaaaaah!
-Did it work?
-No, obviously it didn't work, farmer!
Uuuh, you stupid [indistinct angry sounds].
[heavy breathing]
I think I know what happened. In this universe, football has no power because it doesn't exist.
We're gonna need to rebuild the sport from scratch.
-What, just like the two of us, or...
-Excuse me!
Sorry to bother you. Our bus broke down.
-We're an international dance troupe on the way to the Ballet World Cup.
-OK, hold on.
So you're telling me that Mo Salah, Sadio Mane, Robert Lewandowski, and the rest of you ballerinos...
From all over the world, by the way...
Came together and got on this guy's bus, which just so happened to break down right here?
-That's not weird, my bus breaks down all the time!
Between you and me, I'm not even supposed to be driving. I was sacked.
-Pardon moi. What is this strange ball you have here?
-It's a football.
You kick it.
With your foot.
-Oh! I am so happy! I have never felt this joie de vivre!
-Teach us your ways.
-Good work, lads. Who wants lemonade?
-Ah, thanks, Harry. I'll take a cup.
-I don't have any cups!
[guzzling]
[lawnmower sounds]
-Huh? Eh, bellísimo!
-Jeez, look at these tactics. Where's Johan Cruyff when you need him?
These guys have a lot to l-
Oh, never mind. They get it.
[crowd cheering]
[whistle blowing]
-Now, you guys have the most important job in the whole sport.
You have to stand there, look busy, make faces, wave your arms, and you just generally, like, be an asshole.
-You're blocking the lane! [indistinct yelling]
-Very good. Excellent technique.
-Wow, Cristiano Ronaldo, your movement has caught the hearts and minds of people all over the globe.
Perhaps I could offer my services as a Spanish translator.
I have an affinity for languages, you see. It just comes easy to me. Like making friends.
-Ha! I love this guy. Haha.
-What's your deal?
-I'm a monk.
-Hey, this looks fun. Can we play? -Oh, yes, please. Of course.
-Well, I created a perfect football utopia.
These young players really are the future. And to think, they owe it all to me.
I guess my job here is done. -Oh, nice. That means you can finally go home.
-No. This...this is the way football was meant to be.
This is who I was meant to be.
Maybe I should...stay?
Can I stay?
-Heads up! -Huh?
Aaaaaaah!
-Hey, you made it back. Is this a bad time to tell you that you didn't qualify for next year's Champions League?
-F------k!
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