>>> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, DESPERADOS, LAST CALL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME, BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
>> HANG ON, BARTENDER. I'LL HAVE ONE MORE SPEEDY
GONZALEZ. THAT'S A HOT MARGARITA WITH A
DULCOLAX IN IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND I'LL HAVE A PLANTAR'S PUNCH.
I ALREADY GOT THE WARTS. >> WELL, WELL, WELL, THE OSCARS
WERE TOMORROW, BUT I THINK I'M LOOKING AT THE WORST POSSIBLE
SPORT NOMINEE TONIGHT. >> OKAY, WELL, IF YOU PLAY YOUR
CARDS RIGHT, MAYBE YOU'LL GET TO WALK MY RED CARPET.
[ LAUGHTER ] UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE MY SEAT
FILLER. [ LAUGHTER ]
HEY BUDDY, MIND IF I SLAM MY CLAM A LITTLE CLOSER?
[ LAUGHTER ] THERE'S A NAIL IN THIS STOOL AND
IT HAS PIERCED MY RUBBER UNDERWEAR.
>> SURE, JUST LET ME GET THIS LAST GUMP OF CLEAN AIR BEFORE
YOU GET HERE. NOW I'M READY.
>> SO WHERE YOU BEEN ALL MY PART OF THE NIGHT WHERE I WAS LUCID?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I WAS PROBABLY ON THE
BATHROOM ON MY HANDS AND KNEES. >> OH YEAH?
YEAH? WERE YOU SICK OR WERE YOU DOING
FOLKS. >> I WISH.
MY TEMPORARY CROWN FELL OUT IN THE TOILET, I WAS LOOKING FOR IT
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. BUT I GOT IT.
>> OH, NICE, NICE. WORTH IT.
>> YEAH. >> THE NAME IS SHEILA SOVAGE.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT SHOW "NAKED AND AFRAID?"
>> WHY, WERE YOU ON THAT? >> NO, NO, BUT IF YOU PLAY YOUR
CARDS RIGHT, I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, HELLO, ISIS, YEAH, I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WILL JOIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I GOT TO BE HONEST WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU TONIGHT, I THOUGHT
HELL, NO. NOW I'M NOT THINKING, BECAUSE
I'M DRUNK. >> OF ALL THE MEN IN HERE,
YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN IN HERE. LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND DO
MISSIONARY. THAT'S WHERE YOU TRY TO TEACH ME
ENGLISH UNTIL YOU GET FRUSTRATED AND LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> I'D RATHER DO A REVERSE COWGIRL.
THAT'S WHERE I PUT A COWBOY HAT OVER YOUR FACE AND WALK YOU
BACKWARDS SO YOU FALL OUT THE WINDOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, OH, YOU'RE BAD, MAN.
YOU'RE BAD. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO FOR A
TEST DRIVE HERE IN THE SHOWROOM. >> DEAR GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] MAKE ME A BIRD, SO I CAN FLY
FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE. DEAR GOD.
>> HANG ON, DO YOU HAVE IN A CERTS?
>> OH, NO, BUT I DO HAVE THE NEXT BEST THING.
YOU KNOW, A LADY SPEED STICK. [ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW YOU'RE FRESH AS A DAISY,
LET'S DO THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT. OH, WOW!
WOW, OKAY! ARE YOU AS SOFT AS I AM DRY?
>> I'M ENGORGED. >> YEAH.
LOOK, I THINK OUR LIPS MAY BE GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE MAIN
ATTRACTION. THE TONGUE.
>> I GOT AN IDEA. LET'S TRY THESE THINGS I STOLE
FROM THE DENTIST? >> OH, COOL, GREAT.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ] [ LAUGHTER ]
>> READY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, ANFERNEE, DON'T LOOK, IT'S GOING TO BE TOO TERRIBLE,
BUT, YET I MUST. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN
HAPPEN? NO.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]