WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIVE.
WE ARE FIVE WEEKS INTO RUSSIAS' UNLAWFUL AND BRUTAL INVASION OF
UKRAINE, RUSSIA STILL CANNOT OVERCOME UKRAINE'S FIERCE
RESISTANCE-- ALSO, THEIR BASIC INCOMPETENCE.
THEIR GROUND FORCES ARE-- AND I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO TECHNICAL
HERE-- A BUCKET OF HOT DOO-DOO.
( LAUGHTER )
RUNNING LOW ON EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING CAMOUFLAGE, WHICH IS
WHY THEY'VE RESORTED TO USING TREE BRANCHES AND STRAW TO
CONCEAL TANKS AND OTHER ARMORED VEHICLES.
OKAY, SO, USING FOREST CAMO USING FOUND MATERIALS DOESN'T
SOUND THAT BAD.
CAN WE SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?
WHERE DID THE TRUCKS GO?
OH, I SEE.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL HEDGE.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A LINE OF TRUCKS GOT A GROUPON FOR HAIR PLUGS.
MAYBE THEY'RE NOT DONE.
IS THERE ANY WAY THEY CAN MAKE THAT CAMO MORE CONVINCING?
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
TOP, WHILE OTHER RUSSIAN UNITS HAVE TRIED HIDING THEIR VEHICLES
WITH FESTIVE GARLANDS.
THOSE TANKS LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DECORATED BY A DIVORCED DAD WHO
FORGOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS.
( AS DAD )
HAD ALL THESE LEFTOVER BRANCHES.
HEY!
SANTA GOT YOU HALF A BOTTLE OF HUGO BOSS COLOGNE AND AN
IPHONE 6 CHARGER."
THE.
RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE ALSO TRYING TO CAMOUFLAGE THEIR TANKS WITH
SWATHS OF CARPETING.
NOW, I'M NO MILITARY EXPERT, BUT I BELIEVE IF YOU WANT TO
CAMOUFLAGE A TANK, MAYBE DISGUISE IT AS SOMETHING THAT
MOVES.
( RUSSIAN )
JUST NORMAL PILE OF CARPET, SLOWLY RUMBLING DOWN THE
STREET."
OF COURSE, IF YOU NEED CARPETING TO HIDE YOUR TANK, YOU GOTTA
CALL THE EXPERTS AT ♪ 800-588-2300-WAR CRIMES TODAY
♪ THERE'S AN UPDATE--
( APPLAUSE )
THE FIRST AND MOST DRAMATIC STORIES OUT OF UKRAINE.
YOU'LL REMEMBER, RIGHT AT THE START OF THE INVASION, THERE WAS
A UKRAINIAN MILITARY UNIT PROTECTING A PLACE CALLED SNAKE
ISLAND.
AND THE SOLDIERS, A GROUP OF THEM, WHO WERE GUARDING THE
ISLAND, WERE TOLD TO SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY.
AND THIS IS HOW ONE OF THOSE SOLDIERS ANSWERED.
>> RUSSIAN WARSHIP GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS SO BALLSY, THAT WAS--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAS BECOME A BATTLE CRY FOR THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE.
THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- ACTUALLY ISSUED
A COMMEMORATIVE STAMP, FEATURING THE SOLDIER FLIPPING THE
NATIONAL BIRD.
WHAT?
GIVEN WHAT RUSSIA'S DONE TO UKRAINE, I HOPE THAT'S A
GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF FOREVER STAMP.
BEST OF ALL-- IT IT NEVER LOSES VALUE.
NEVER LOSES.
BEST OF ALL, IT TURNS OUT THOSE BRAVE SOLDIERS WHO ORIGINALLY
THOUGHT WERE KILLED SURVIVED.
AND LAST WEEK, THEY WERE FREED IN A PRISONER SWAP.
THE RUSSIANS TRADED THEM FOR A MINOR LEAGUE SHORTSTOP.
( LAUGHTER )
HAS AWARDED THE POTTY-MOUTHED HERO WITH A MEDAL FOR HIS
SERVICE.
YES.
HE HAS--
GOOD FOR HIM.
IT'S LEAST YOU CAN DO.
HE'S RECEIVED THE PRESTIGIOUS PURPLE FINGER.
( LAUGHTER )
PUNISHING RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS WITH SANCTIONS AND SEIZURES.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF MY
J.D. POWER AND ASSOCIATES AWARD-WINNING SERIES: YACHT
GACHT CACHT...
JACKPACHT!
ON TODAY'S EPISODE, A $49 MILLION RUSSIAN SUPERYACHT
HAS BEEN DETAINED BY U.K.
OFFICIALS NEAR LONDON.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
ONE SMALL THING: FOR A WHOLE MONTH, WE'VE BEEN HEARING
STORIES ABOUT $120 MILLION SUPERYACHTS, $580 MILLION
RUSSIAN SUPERYACHTS, AND EVEN $600 MILLION SUPERYACHTS.
$49 MILLION?
THAT'S NOT A SUPERYACHT.
THAT'S AT BEST A MEGA-DINGHY.
( LAUGHTER )
CHRISTEN IT THE S.S. "KIRKLAND SIGNATURE BLEND."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT A SUPERYACHT!
A SUPERYACHT-- >> BARELY QUALIFIES, BARELY
QUALIFIES.
>> Stephen: SUPERYACHT HAS ANOTHER YACHTED IN OF IT.
THE SHIP WAS NABBED WHEN IT WAS IN TOWN FOR A SUPERYACHT AWARDS
CEREMONY.
OF COURSE, AT THE SUPERYACHT AWARDS CEREMONY, CATEGORIES
INCLUDE BEST BOAT, BIGGEST BEST BOAT BOY, RICHEST BEST BIG
STRONG BOAT MAN, AANND...
SMALLEST PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WIALL OF THEM.
THEY ALL WIN.
EVERYONE GETS ONE.
IT'S LIKE A PARTICIPATION TROPHY.
OF AND, HEY, RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS, HERE'S A PRO TIP: IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO SEE YOUR BIG BOAT ON YACHT GACHT CACHT, JACKPACHT,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO LIMIT YOUR GUEST LIST, BECAUSE RUSSIAN
OLIGARCHS KEEP GETTING SCREWED OVER BY YACHT SELFIES, MOSTLY
TAKEN BY EAGER PASSENGERS LIKE A STEP-DAUGHTER, EX-WIFE, AND IN
ONE CASE AN ESCORT.
THAT IS ROUGH.
TRAPPED BY A THIRST TRAP.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY SHOULD JUST HIDE THE LOCATION OF THE BOAT BETTER.
HAVE THEM CONSIDER COVERING THEIR YACHTS WITH CARPET AND
LOOSE PINE BRANCHES.
NOT EVERYONE, OF COURSE, OUT THERE IS STANDING UP FOR
UKRAINE.
TAKE FORMER PRESIDENT, THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.O.T.
YESTERDAY, HE HAD AN INTERVIEW ON-- AND I ( BLEEP ) 3 NOT-- THE
"JUST THE NEWS" TELEVISION SHOW ON THE REAL AMERICA'S VOICE
NETWORK.
THE RIGHT-WING NEWS OUTLETS THAT OUR FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN
REDUCED TO APPEARING ON.
OKAY, YOUR NEXT INTERVIEW IS GOING TO BE WITH EAGLE FREEDOM
GUN EAGLE GASWREZ.
ANYWAY, DURING THE INTERVIEW, THE FORMER PRESIDENT CALLED ON
VLADIMIR PUTIN TO RELEASE DIRT ON HUNTER BIDN.
DAMN, HE'S ASKING FOR RUSSIAN HELP THROUGH THE TV AGAIN?
DOES THIS MAN HAVE NO SHAME?
AND I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.
( LAUGHTER )
IMPECCABLE.
HE REMINDED THE WORLD THAT PUTIN IS HIS BUDDY AT THE EXACT MOMENT
THAT EVERYONE REALIZES THAT HIS BUDDY IS ACTUAL HITLER.
THIS IS WORSE THAN LAST YEAR, WHEN JELL-O RE-SIGNED BILL COSBY
TO ANNOUNCE THEIR NEW FLAVOR: "OUT ON A TECHNICALITY ORANGE."
( LAUGHTER )
I BET IT'S DELICIOUS.
IT'S NOT THE JELL-O'S FAULT.
HERE'S THE STUPID: THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALLEGES THAT THE
BIDENS GOT $3.5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE MAYOR OF MOSCOW'S WIFE.
BUT NEITHER HE, NOR ANYONE, HAS ANY EVIDENCE.
INSTEAD, HE SIMPLY TOLD THE HOST, "I WOULD THINK PUTIN WOULD
KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT.
I THINK HE SHOULD RELEASE IT."
IT'S GENERALLY FROWNED UPON FOR U.S. PRESIDENTS, CURRENT OR
FORMER, TO SOLICIT OUR MURDEROUS MORTAL ENEMIES FOR DIRT ON THEIR
POLITICAL RIVALS, EVER SINCE REAGAN SAID THIS:
>> MISTER GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN WALTER MONDALE'S KIDS!
( LAUGHTER )
THE GIPPER DID THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE GIPPER DID THAT.
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
SPEAKING OF RIGHT-WING WEIRDOS, THERE'S SOME SPLASH-BACK TO THE
STORY FROM NORTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND HAUNTED
JACK-IN-THE-BOX, MADISON CAWTHORN.
RECENTLY CAWTHORN MADE THIS EXTRAORDINARY CLAIMS THAT HIS
REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES IN CONGRESS ARE ORGY-FREQUENTING
DEGENERATES WITH A FONDNESS FOR HARD DRUGS.
GIVEN THE AVERAGE AGE OF THE G.O.P., I ASSUME THEY'RE
SNORTING BONIVA.
( LAUGHTER )
MY FEMUR IS HARDER THAN A DIAMOND!
I'LL FILIBUSTER ANYTHING THAT MOVES!"
CAWTHORN SAID THE COCAINE ORNLY PEOPLE WERE PEOPLE HE LOOKED UP
TO, BUT SO FAR, HE HASN'T NAMED ANY NAMES.
HOWEVER, ON MONDAY, ON THIS SHOW, I FLOATED THIS THEORY:
THE STRANGELY FOLKSY NATURE OF "SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER" MEANS HE
MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE FAMED REPUBLICAN FLESH PIT: "CHUCK
GRASSLEY'S ASS JAMBOREE."
NOW, AS OF THIS TAPING, SENATOR GRASSLEY HAS NOT DENIED OUR
ALLEGATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
IS THAT CORRECT?
HAVE WE REACHED OUT?
HAVE WE REACHED AROUND?
NO?
WELL, THEN I WILL ASK HIM NOW.
I WILL ASK HIM NOW OFFICIALLY: SENATOR, DO YOU, IN FACT, HOLD
AN ANNUAL ASS JAMBOREE?
SIR, AT LONG LAST, DO YOU BACK IT UP LIKE A TONKA TRUCK?
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT TO KNOW.
THE G.O.P. RANK AND FILE ARE NOW RESPONDING TO CAWTHORN'S
COMMENTS, AND THEY ARE NOT HAPPY.
REPRESENTATIVE DAN CRENSHAW OF TEXAS SAID, "IT DOES PAINT THE
PICTURE HERE THAT ISN'T ACCURATE."
THANK GOD, BECAUSE THAT PICTURE IS TOO AWFUL TO BE REAL.
I'VE INTERVIEWED 80 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
AND I'D HAVE SEX WITH TWO AND A HALF OF THEM.
NOT AT THE SAME TIME, OF COURSE.
I'M NOT IN THE G.O.P.
ONE PERSON WHO CLEARLY WASN'T INVITED TO THE BIG-TENT PARTY
WAS LOUIE GOHMERT OF TEXAS, WHO SAID, "I HAVEN'T SEEN THOSE
PARTIES.
SO I NEED TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT IT BEFRE I COMMENT, BECAUSE
THAT JUST SEEMS RATHER BIZARRE."
OKAY, HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?
THAT'S GOT ME DOUBTING CAWTHORN'S STORY.
BECAUSE YOU'RE TELLING ME CONGRESSIONAL ORGIES ARE
HAPPENING AND LOUIE GOHMERT ISN'T A FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICK?
I HEAR THE CARPET MATCHES THE SCALP.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ELLE FANNING AND BEN SCHWARTZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, HAVE YOU EVER WISHED SOMEONE WOULD MAKE A
DEAD-EYED ROBOT CHILD?
YOU'RE IN LUCK.