-Seth gives a platform
to come up here and speak our minds.
-When my son is sick, Seth lets me work from home.
And Seth is so upset about the gender pay gap,
he said he's going to start paying us
33 cents extra for every dollar the male writers make.
[ Cheering ]
-Wait, what?
[ Funk theme plays ]
[ Whimsical tune plays ]
-Serena Williams had a spectacular wedding.
Whoo! I saw those pictures and I was like "What?!
I cannot handle how beautiful this is!"
And then I was like, "There had better not be a photo
of them and their adorable baby.
Wha-a-a-t?!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then, I was like, "There had better not be a big family photo
that shows how much they all love each other.
Wha-a-a-t?!"
[ Laughter ]
Then I was like, "Well,
as long as there's not a photo
of Beyoncé at the wedding.
Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-
[ Glass breaks ] a-a-a-a-a-a-a-t?!
[ Applause ] This has been "Amber says What."
♪♪
-Um.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Okay, they're two friends who just won Grammys.
[ Laughter ] -Okay, well, now,
now, Karen --
[ Laughter ]
I don't want just like a general idea of what's going on.
[ Laughter ] -I -- okay.
They're at the Grammy Awards. -Uh-huh.
I think the show was "Two Thumbs Up."
[ Laughter ] -This is Milli Vanilli.
Does that mean anything to you?
-Truly, no. -Oh, wow.
[ Laughter ] -Well, I'm gonna tell you something.
Wikipedia Milli Vanilli, 'cause it's a pretty rad story.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-They won Grammys. -Oh.
-And then they had to give them back,
because it turned out they lip-synced.
-Oh, no! -Yeah.
That's so awful. -Other people gasped.
Oh, my God. -I know.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, Karen...
-I'm trying. -Karen, you might think
I'm lying, but, girl,
you know it's true.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Well, looks like some sort of ancient text.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -This is a -- Oh, my God.
Anyone here know what this is?
[ Cheering and applause ] -Yes!
-Well, this looks like
like a Harry Potter -- -Yes!
-Harry Potter like a map of one of the schools?
-Yes! -Really?!
-Yes! -Wow!
-Oh, my gosh. It's called the Marauder's Map.
-It's called the Marauder's Map?
-Yeah. And, basically, it was made by Harry's dad
and his three friends -- -Uh-huh.
Okay. That's great. Thanks, Karen.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This has been "What Does Karen Know?"
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
-Hey, girls! -Yes?
-What is it? -What's up, Amber?
-I love America, but I don't like detention centers.
-Me either.
-They're inhumane. -A living nightmare.
-And saying I don't like them is me exercising my free speech.
But, sometimes, when you use that free speech
to express an opinion people don't like,
they respond with racism.
-Been there. -Happens all the time.
-And when I went on Twitter and tweeted,
"Close the detention centers,"
do you know what someone replied?
-A well-thought out statement
that respectfully reflected their opinion?
-Nope. They sang the same old song
we've heard a thousand times before.
♪♪
-♪ Go back to your country ♪
♪ Nobody's stopping ya ♪
♪ Go back to your country ♪
-♪ Go back to Africa ♪
♪♪
-These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny, everybody.
-I'm black.
-And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I am not.
So, here's how this works.
I'm gonna read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
So here we go.
Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared
on the cover of "Sports Illustrated"
wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer.
-A dress and a sledgehammer,
or as lesbians call it, "business casual."
[ Laughter ] -The world's first vagina museum
is opening in London.
-Men are allowed, but they don't know what to do
once they get in there. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Just sort of -- just sort of bang around, right?
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, I don't think it's a good idea, guys!
-Oh, come on. Just one!
-I don't feel like this will end well.
-Please?! -Please?!
-Uhh...okay! Okay.
Today is International Women's Day.
International Women's Day
is like a regular day, but less rational.
-[ Gasps ]
-How dare you?!
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-You promised me!
Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Look, growing up is hard,
but immigrant parents make it even harder.
They don't snowplow.
If anything, they bury you in snow and give you a tiny shovel
to dig yourself out.
Now, I came to America when I was four,
and one of my first memories here
was my parents sending me off without warning
to the horror that is kindergarten.
-Oh.
I remember kindergarten being fun and easy.
-For you, I'm sure it was, but I did not speak English,
and no one there spoke Russian. -Oh, yeah. That's different.
-Well, Seth, that was the least of it
because my parents also wanted to make sure
that I was not underdressed for my big day.
So they sent me to school in what they assumed
all Americans send their kids to school in --
a tuxedo and a top hat.
[ Laughter, applause ]
That's right -- I had to explain to the other children,
in broken English, that I was, indeed, their classmate
and not a tiny cruise-ship magician.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Also breaking records this year, the movie "Get Out,"
which had a black lead and a black director.
Could this lead to more films for underserved audiences? Ally?
-Seth, every time a demographic that isn't white male and 18-34
comes out to support something, corporate America is shocked.
Why? We have jobs, we make money, and we spend that money.
The fact that minorities are a powerful economic force
shouldn't be a surprise.
-Well said. Amber?
-You know what's a surprise? This.
[ Bang ] -Aah! Oh, my God!
[ Laughter ]
Amber!
[ Applause ]
-Now...
[ Laughter ]
[ Both laughing ]
-Just real quick.
Let's step out of the scene for a minute and talk --
talk about how long we rehearsed this today.
-[ Laughing ]
I shot it backwards onto myself!
[ Laughter ]
-You two were backstage saying,
"Oh, it's so easy. It's just a button."
[ Laughter ]
-The US women's national soccer team
won the World Cup this year... -That's right. Yeah.
-...and they did it -- [ Cheers and applause ]
And they did it while getting trash-talked by Donald Trump.
It was amazing. It was inspiring.
And to celebrate, I made this diorama.
-Okay. Here we go. -Oh.
-Yeah, so as you can see, here's the women's soccer team.
And they're like, "We are very good athletes."
And then here's a tweet from Trump.
And he's like, "I don't like you!"
And then Megan Rapinoe scored all these goals,
and then she did this.
-Oh, look at that. That's very good.
-Ah? -Very nice.
-And then, here's the U.S. men's team,
and they're all at home taking a nap,
but they're getting paid eight times more.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-The Alabama legislature voted yesterday
to almost entirely ban abortion in their state.
It's the most sweeping abortion ban seen in the U.S.
since Roe v. Wade.
Here to talk about it is one of our writers,
Amber Ruffin.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Seth. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, Amber. What's going on?
-Well, I no longer have control over my own body!
That's what's going on.
I want to talk about abortion, but I have to do it like this.
-Yeah, but you don't live in Alabama.
This law doesn't apply to you.
-No, but this is where our country is headed.
So we figured we may as well get some practice.
-Alright. Let's talk about it.
-Alabama's new law makes it almost impossible for a woman to
get an abortion.
You can't get one. You can't get one.
No one can get an abortion!
-I mean, this is really serious, right?
-I know.
And Republicans designed the bill to be challenged in courts
so that they can try to overturn
Roe versus Wade.
[ Laughter ]
It's a scary time to be a woman.
I'm scared.
-I bet.
-I have a question.
-Oh, yeah. Yes?
-If Alabama is going to force women to have babies,
are they going to help them take care of them?
-No! Alabama has no paid family leave laws.
-What?! -I know.
-I'm shocked! -I know!
-Then who's going to help care for these babies
and feed them and rock them to sleep?
Wait. I'm sorry. You think that's how you rock a baby?
[ Laughter ]
-I -- I don't know. I'm a man.
We don't know this kind of stuff.
-Yeah, no [bleep]
-What does it feel like to be a woman in America right now?
-I can tell you what it feels like.
It feels like you're not even a person.
Like you have been stripped of your humanity.
That you are not valued by the men
who were elected to serve you.
And it makes you wonder where you'll get the strength
to fight the battles that need fighting.
-Wow, that's really powerful, but, um,
why are you lying on the floor?
-Oh, my guy's stuck in traffic.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪