$32 million?
Do you know how much money that is?
O'Reilly could have made his own Madea movie for that money.
Although, if he puts on a dress, he might end up
sexually harass himself, so that's a bad idea.
Don't do it, don't do it.
Like, I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I'm stuck on this,
but it's an amazing amount of money to pay out,
especially if you're not guilty.
And in a recorded interview with The New York Times,
O'Reilly gave, uh, a somewhat odd explanation.
So, so let me get this straight.
You have evidence,
shocking evidence,
that would totally exonerate you,
but you're not gonna go to court
because it'll hurt your kids?
As opposed to what's happening now?
You know how phony that sounds, right?
"I would take this to trial,
"but the idea of my kids hearing a judge
declare me not guilty would be too much for them!"
(cheering and applause)
Look, I don't know about O'Reilly's kids,
but if O'Reilly were my dad,
I would rather he just gave me the $32 million.
I can handle some bad news for $32 million.
People would be like, "Trevor, doesn't it hurt
to see your dad get beaten up by the media?"
I'll be like, "Yeah, yeah.
"I watched the news in my private jet.
"It really hurt, man, but I'll be okay.
I'll be okay."
And, now, O'Reilly hasn't released any shocking evidence.
What he did try and do was make it seem
like all his former colleagues were completely cool with him.
There's just one small problem: they have Twitter.
REPORTER: Yesterday, O'Reilly posted thank you notes
on his Web site from Megyn Kelly
and former Fox host Gretchen Carlson
from the time when they worked together.
In Kelly's note, she called O'Reilly
a true friend and mentor,
and Carlson writes...
(reading):
Well, Carlson responded on Twitter to all this, saying,
"So what. Still paid $32 million."
(laughter)
Oh, man.
Oh.
Bill O'Reilly is over, man,
'cause now anyone can win an argument against him
by just saying "$32 million."
He'll be screaming at a waiter, like, "I didn't order
the calamari, you idiot! I ordered the shrimp scampi!"
They'll be like, "All right. Sorry, sorry.
$32 million. Whatever, man."
So, Bill O'Reilly has blamed his enemies,
the liberal media, and his former colleagues
for the situation that he's in.
There's basically no one left
on Earth for him to blame,
which is why I guess he went up.
You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I'm mad at him.
I wish I had more protection.
I wish this stuff didn't happen.
I can't explain it to you.
Yeah, I'm mad at him.
Wow.
He's mad at God?
He's mad at God for not protecting him?
This is one of those times
that I wish we could hear what God has to say.
(thunder crashing)
(angelic choir singing)
-Oh, wow! -(cheering and applause)
-Mwah! Mwah! -Oh! It's God, everybody!
It's God!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's God! I can't believe this!
Hello!
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for God!
(cheering and applause)
What up, heathens?
Wow, God, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence.
I-I have so many questions for you.
Like... Oh, the hurricanes, why-why did the hurricanes...
Eh! Don't blame that on me.
That is man-made climate change.
I made hurricanes-- y'all supersized 'em.
I came to talk about why Bill O'Reilly
and why he dragged my ass into his drama.
What do you mean, why he dragged your ass?
You-You're saying you had nothing to do
with what happened to Bill O'Reilly?
Yeah. In fact, I've had nothing to do with humans,
any of y'all, basically, since, uh, the Titanic.
The Titanic?
Yeah, that-that was on me.
Uh, they were bragging about it, like,
"God himself could not sink this ship."
And I was like, "Oh! What about these icebergs? Oh!"
(cheering and applause)
Huh?
You want water? How 'bout some frozen water, bitch?
Let's go!
So I decided to step away from the game for a while.
I-I get it. You felt bad.
But if you stepped away, then what brings you back?
I came down to tell Bill O'Reilly
to keep my name out of his mouth!
Do it!
Bill O'Reilly did this to himself.
And now he's mad at me?
Hasn't this cooch monster ever heard
of personal responsibility?
Ugh! Creepy old man.
(cheering and applause)
(applause and cheering)
(laughter)
Actually, I know he has.
I got the tapes.
Personal responsibility.
-That's what it's all about. -I had...
'Cause I'm a big personal responsibility guy, you know?
The greater good is served by more personal responsibility.
I think personal responsibility, you know?
Personal responsibility is not wiped away
because your circumstance is bad.
Yeah, that's right.
-I got Roku, bitch. -(laughter)
From your mouth to your ears.
-God, everybody. -(applause and cheering)