(cheering, clapping)
How are you?
I'm very well, thank you.
We're all so happy you could be here,
thanks for being on the show.
My pleasure.
It's your first time here.
Never been here before, and I don't know why.
I mean, I can find my way to the building.
I know this building. I've been here before,
and then, although you're not exactly my demographic,
I have to say, my demographic is somewhat older
and maybe a little less straight, perhaps.
I'm not so sure,
(laughter)
but anyway,
Now, I disagree on that.
Well. I've often thought about coming on the show
because you know, I really like you, I enjoy you,
I watch you, one time I remember I was in an airport
and I saw you streaking through the airport,
I don't think I was streaking through,
Not exactly, you had your little, you know,
you had your tuxedo in a garment bag and I thought,
I know he's on his way to a gig, Oh I know he is.
And I thought I was struck by how tall you were
and how and how beautiful your coloring is.
You know, that, that gorgeous red hair
and that pasty white skin it's like,
(clapping)
It's fabulous, It's my really,
my favorite, favorite, favorite
color combinations.
Thank you, yeah I've worked really hard on this
pasty complexion my whole life.
Oh its fabulous. You know, you've never been in the sun.
I've never been outside.
Oh well, oh really?
I live here. I'm a creature of the night
You look fabulous.
I bay at the moon and well, yeah, no I'm people.
I get that a lot too. People are just struck by.
They don't expect me to be a, that tall.
Your so. I still almost said you're so effing tall.
Yeah, yeah.
You're so tall.
I think on TV, I come across as a little person.
Who's like, hi everybody! Welcome! hahaha.
You're kind of scrunched under that table. You know.
I'm scrunched is my posture
is like this when I'm on the show.
No, he has this much room for his knees.
Yeah, yeah.
This was all -- And we won't,
we won't give away the secrets anyway.
No no no. They can't know,
they can't know, I'd frighten them in real life.
Now let's talk about you. This is first of all,
some impressive things, your amazing career,
which I know is making you happy already. You've been,
I didn't realize that you've been married.
I've been married 21 years.
[Unison] 21 years.
Good for you. Congratulations.
Thank you. That always gets a round of applause.
I think I made it four, so I'm doing pretty well.
Yeah. that's incredible.
21 years.
Yes, it is.
It's incredible. I married a German man, in 1984.
We call him the Baron. Every night he gets,
I get dressed up like Poland and he invades me.
Thank you
(laughing)
Thank you Max, thank you Max.
(laughing)
Yes, but he's a fabulous guy.
Fabulous guy.
We've raised a beautiful 19 year old girl together
and she's in college now.
And so we're suffering through empty nest and it was a big
year for me. I turned 60, which was like, oh my God,
Happy birthday. Yeah.
Thank you very much.
What did you do to to celebrate this.
This is nice.
I do look fabulous, I do look fabulous.
I'm a medical miracle. It is absolutely astonishing.
My husband threw me a big 60th birthday party and it
was fabulous. It was the greatest night of my life.
What did he do? Did he get you a cake.
He did it all.
He called people that I hadn't heard from in 20 years,
you know,
he hired the most fabulous band and he
I was toasted and roasted and feted and set
people sang and they danced.
And at the end of the evening,
he brought on a gigantic cake in the shape of a sliced ham.
And I thought, and I said, that says it all.
That is so perfect.
That is me on that plate.
Right, right.
So, I was thrilled.
Right.
And people loved it and tasted good and.
We all loved it. know what we sent it to the homeless.
I don't think they really liked that much.
I thought this was ham. It's a chocolate cake.
How come it looks like a ham.
Well anyway.
Now let's talk about your fans because you know,
a lot of entertainers have fans. You seem to be set apart.
Your fans are fanatical. They're so devoted to you.
Oh thank God for my fans.
Which is a nice thing.
Did you ever go on a,
on say the internet and just look at
what people are writing?
Oh, no, no.
I would never do that. I would never do that.
It's just too scary. It's just too scary.
One time, actually, when the, the internet was new,
I was at a dinner party and this I was, the guest of honor,
was this painter, this beautiful, wonderful elderly,
British painter. And he was,
he had never heard of the internet.
And he had never had no idea of what a computer was.
So the host decided they would show him and they brought up
their laptop and they opened it. And they,
they looked him up and there were all his paintings online
and he completely flipped out. I mean, he flipped out.
He was like, how dare they?
How dare they? They have no right.
I didn't, they have, they must pay.
And all this stuff.
He thought they needed to get permission or something.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes of course.
Why did they, I gave no permission.
So they said to, to calm him down,
so they said well let's look up Bette.
So they looked me up.
And the first thing that came to was the society
to annihilate Bette Midler.
So I said oh, oh, oh, oh okay.
And of course, I didn't stay for dessert.
You know, I was just totally like
I got to get out of here.
Yeah, because people don't realize how freaky that is
to see
Oh it's very freaky, it's very freaky.
People put all this kind of strange stuff.
Do you ever check emails?
Do you ever, you do email though.
I do email, but I tell you, even,
even the emails I'm completely fed up with, I mean,
50% of my emails are about enlarging my penis.
I mean, I just can't.
I just gotta into,
I really need a bigger dick?
That's what I ask myself everyday.
So, um.
(laughing)
And the other 50%,
and the rest of them are for Viagra
And it kills me that even no matter what else is going on in
the world, people are always working on a bigger,
better version of Viagra. I mean,
now they have Viagra for three days.
I mean, some chafing will occur right?
Oh my God. Now, you know, they have generic, Viagra,
Generic?
They have generic, Viagra,
you know how ibuprofen is generic Advil.
And now they have generic Viagra and they searched high and
low for this name. And it's called
My (indistinct) flopping thing.
Oh my God.
(rimshot)
Thank you Max. But of course you know.
Good Lord.
I'm going to look that name up.
And if that's not the real name, you're in a lot of trouble.
But you know,
to name the product with the competition was very stiff.
(laughing)
(rimshot)
(applause)
Wait it gets worse.
I'm getting a lawyer.
There was my dicksadroopin
All right. Now, wait a minute.
Stop it.
I'm going to have a
My dicksadud.
And of course my own personal favorite,
I be poking.
(rimshot)
Okay, now listen.
Are you with me Max?
You two finally came together perfectly on that one.
Thank you.
Oh wow.
I love that old run,
the old ones are the best ones, aren't they?
Yes, they are.
I don't have any, I'm glad you do.