Getting broken up with is rough - it's like a stab to the chest with a rusty knife.
For many, it can also be a wake up call that things weren't going as well as you thought.
But now that you know, you want to repair the damage and get your ex back.
Most people go about this in the wrong way and make thing worse for themselves - That's
why I've made this video, to show viewers like you how to get the best chance of getting
back into a relationship after a breakup.
There are 4 steps to this process - Don't skip any of them, they are all important for
their own reasons.
STEP 1:
Break all contact with your ex for one month - This is the first point where people screw
up, they spend all their time scrambling to keep contact with their exes, making lots
of phone calls, trying to meet up , trying to keep 'friends' with them and support them
emotionally, looking for answers....
This may help you feel less insecure about things, but I promise you it's doing a HUGE
damage to your chances of getting back together.
Think about it, your ex broke up with you for a reason.
Breaking up with someone is hard to do, and once you've done it, what you really want
is space to be alone and think about your life.
If there is an ex constantly trying to make contact and convince you to stick around,
then you start to feel the need to escape and get away.
This further cements their resolve to keep their distance.
If instead, you stop all contact for a month, a couple of really important things occur..
1.
Your ex gets a chance to actually MISS you!
- If you are constantly contacting your ex, they are deprived the chance to realise how
much they enjoyed having you around - Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know
what you've got until it's gone?".
So suddenly losing your presence completely can feel like a huge loss to them.
If you make the mistake of hanging around and helping them through the grieving process,
they they get all the emotional support from the relationship without actually being in
one, so they never feel the pain of loss.
2.
You get a chance to step back and actually work out if you do want them back or not - This
is so important!
About 50% of the time, when I force my clients to break contact for a month, by the end of
the month they start truly questioning if that ex is really so great for them after
all.
The reality is that most of the time we're better of finding someone new, but we can
only gain that perspective if we give ourselves a chance.
For me personally, I've taken this strategy 2x in my life, the first time I realised I
really didn't like my ex much as a person, but I was just addicted to having her around
providing emotional support so we never got back together.
The next time I realised this particular girlfriend was amazing and I really did want her in my
life, we got back together and we've been together for almost 8 years now.
STEP 2:
Make a list of the ways in which you personally contributed to the relationship failing - This
can be a really important step, think about what your ex told you when they broke up with
you, but also take some time to dig deep and really think about what you did that was hurting
the relationship.
Now look through this list, and pay attention to the really big important reasons for the
break up, and ask yourself 2 important questions.
1.
Do I WANT to change this about myself?
- Sometimes people break up because they want different things, it's sad but unavoidable.
In this case you are better finding someone different.
2.
How do I change this about myself?
- Often times, it's really tempting to say something like "I was really jealous in the
relationship, so I'm just going to stop telling her when I feel insecure" - That is the WRONG
answer.
If you're ex suffered a lot because of a psychological difficulty you're having such as jealousy,
then they know damn well, you can't simply make it better by wishing it were so.
I promise you that you won't be able to maintain the facade for long - You actually need to
have a game plan to actually FIX the problem, not just cover it up as long as possible.
When the time comes to talk to your ex about getting back together, you have to be able
to prove that you are capable of truly growing from the experience.
If you can provide a clear game plan for how that's going to happen, like for example if
you can say "I've started seeing a psychologist to help me with my jealousy issues", then
your ex will feel a lot more trust in a potential future with you.
STEP 3: Make a list of the ways in which your ex contributed
to the relationship failing - There is one thing I'm absolutely sure of when it comes
to relationships, and that's that it takes two people to make a relationship fail.
It's never all your fault, and if you want the relationship to work well, you need to
know what changes you'll need your ex to make.
Now be careful not to just make a list of petty grievances, like how they chew too loudly,
or have an annoying laugh.
Instead, focus on the really big things that you feel damaged the relationship in a deep
way.
Now, just like before, you have to ask yourself 2 questions.
1.
Do I think they're likely to want to change this about themselves?
- Same as before, there's no point asking a person to change something about themselves
they don't want to change.
2.
How could they change this about themselves?
- What do you think would be required of them, for you to really TRUST that these changes
will be made?
STEP 4: Organise to meet your ex in person- This shouldn't
be too hard if you followed Step 1, and stopped contact for a month, but if you've been hounding
your ex the whole time, then it might be harder to get them to agree to meet with you.
The conversation you have is largely up to you of course, but I suggest following this
structure.
1.
Just catch up, have some casual conversation.
Joke around a bit, let it feel a bit like 'old times' for a while.
2.
Tell your ex that you've taken a month to really think hard about the relationship - About
your role in it failing, about their role in it failing - And that you still believe
there's something worth trying to salvage.
3.
Tell your ex what you feel is the role you played in the relationship failing, and talk
them through what steps you have already taken to really work on that part of yourself.
4.
Tell them what steps you'd be taking in a relationship with them again if they wanted
to give it a second chance.
5.
Give your ex a chance to respond - If they are adamant they don't want the relationship
anymore, that is sad, but that's okay - Your hard work learning about yourself and creating
change wasn't wasted because you still want to be a better partner for the next person
you date.
6.
If your ex is open to talking about the possibility then this is your time to raise the things
about them you'd really like them to address for the relationship to work - This is a really
important part of the process because it gives you self-respect, and ensures that if you
get back together you get the relationship you really want.
7.
Give them time to think it over if that's what they want, but set a limit - Sometimes,
your ex wants time to think things through, and that's completely acceptable.
Set an amount of time, like a week, a fortnight or even a month.
But agree to meet again after that time to reach a final decision.
Don't let the 'thinking about it' phase go on indefinitely.
There's something really important I want to highlight from this process, and that's
the fact that there is absolutely no manipulation going on here.
Sure there are lots of ways you could manipulate your ex to getting back with you.
There are lots really great manipulation techniques you may see in other videos on youtube, but
here's why you should avoid that like the plague...
Manipulation can get a result, but at the same time it creates resentment.
Have you ever been manipulated into helping someone out with a chore or a task?
How did it feel helping them out while feeling resentful about it?
Do you like the person more or less because of it?
The same thing happens in a relationship.
I've seen many times, people manipulate their partner into getting back with them, only
to see it end months later in a much more extreme and painful way than it ended the
first time.
By following the steps above, you are taking the healthy route to giving a relationship
a second chance in a way that's most likely to guarantee long term success.
If you still don't get your ex back with this strategy, then they are without a doubt withe
the wrong person for you, OR either of you are in the wrong place right now to make a
relationship work.
Sometimes it seems unfair, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change those situations.
Have you successfully gotten your ex back in the past?
What worked for you?
Would you do it any differently next time?
Let me know in the comments below.
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