James has the next question here. James, let's go into it right now. Hey, Tripp, I met a girl a few
weekends ago and unfortunately she's not local, but she really caught my attention and I'm still
really interested. I got her number the night I met her and messaged her the next day. After a
few messages back and forth I proposed coffee or a drink next time she was in town and she responded
with this... "hey, so sorry, I'm the absolute worst at responding sometimes, but yes, that
would be super fun. I want to be straight up with you that I'm really not dating right now as I'm
trying to work on some things in my personal and career life. But I'm still down to hang out :-) .
James continues and says, I don't know how to read this fully as I don't know her that well. But I've
kept in contact, texting her again on Halloween about a week later with my costume and it sparked
a pretty good conversation. But I ended the momentum as I had a bunch of things going on this
week. Am I playing this right by checking in every once in a while? We talk and joke but not much
flirting. I'm going to be in her area next weekend and was thinking a coffee and a walk in the park
to include her new puppy. Any thoughts or advice would be great. Thank you so much for your time,
James. James, this is a great question. I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. I'm not
trying to be mean, I'm not trying to make fun of you. Obviously my whole job here is to only help.
But I say this as nice as possible... everything you've done here is completely
wrong. But that's okay because you're trying to get help. You want to know what you're doing.
Everything is wrong, but don't worry, because it's all a learning lesson
and I'm going to turn this around for you and tell you what you should be doing right.
This is a very rich question because you've been doing so many things wrong in this situation.
I want to help you do it right. Here's what you're going to do. Okay. So, first of all,
the most important thing that I'm hearing out of all of this is that she's not local. I don't
really know what that means. But when I hear she's not local, I hear this is long distance.
If she's long distance, and we'll call long distance more than I want to say 15 miles.
We got to cut it off somewhere. It's like, where does it become long distance? And you might think,
Tripp, 20 Miles is that much more? Actually, I think it is. Because you want to be dating someone
that's close to you. Like close to you. You want to be able to see them,
it should be easy. Wouldn't you rather pick a girl who's close to you? Anyway, 15 miles I'd say is
the cut off and if she's more than 15 miles, consider that long distance and someone that
it's going to be tough to have any kind of dating relationship with, so she should be cut off. Now
let's pretend, so we can learn from this situation so we can turn all the things that you did wrong
into the right things. Let's say she is local enough where it's... or you said she's not local
but you know what I'm saying. If she's within the 15 mile range, what could you do in this case?
In this case, understand that if she's saying I want to be straight up with you that I'm
not really dating right now and that she's got things going on in a personal career...
I believe this to be a white lie. Why, or we'll call it a half truth. I think that...
or maybe it's a full lie. Who knows? She's either lying completely, that she doesn't have
things going on in her personal career... by the way, actually now that I'm thinking this out...
it definitely is a lie. Why? Because she says I'm still down to hang out.
So you're down to hang out but you have... like you have the time to hang out?
Even though you're trying to work some things in your personal and your career? I mean, I don't
know. Maybe you might say she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth, let me tell you something.
Every woman has the emotional bandwidth to be in a relationship because if they are attracted
to someone, they will make up reasons why they should be with that person. Attraction is not
a choice and when you're attracted to someone you like that feeling. It is very difficult,
very difficult to say to yourself, I'm very attracted this person, but I'm going to put my
personal and career ahead of that. No, you're going to see where things are going because
you want to take that chance because you like the person. My point here is she is lying to you. She
definitely has low interest and she's putting you in the friend-zone.
With that case, let's say you already knew that, or one would know that, what are you supposed to
do? Should you still see her? Should you still hang out with her? Here's what I would do. 8
times out of 10, I'd probably say, no thanks, not looking for any new friends at the moment. But
it was good hanging out. Now the 2 times out of 10, and this is the advice that if you want,
you could take this. You could say, no problem and you hang out again, but you treat it like a date
and you try to trigger attraction and if you can trigger attraction,
you go for a kiss. Then it's like, hey, look what happened. You ended up in a situation where
voila, now she likes you. If you do this, if you decide to go down this road, this is a one time
situation. You try it once, you try to re-attract her, if it doesn't work, then you're done.
You don't want to be... you're obviously in the friend-zone, she does not have that interest in
you, and you're done. All the things that you were doing wrong, is the fact that you're trying
to build a relationship over text, you're trying to get some sort of momentum going.
That does not work. You cannot attract someone over text. And you asked, am I playing this right
by checking in every once in a while? No. You said we talk and joke, but not much flirting.
Even if you were flirting, I would say this is still wrong. You should be asking her to hang out.
You should be asking her to hang out. And the other thing that was wrong is
you were thinking coffee and a walk in the park. No, we don't want to do that. And
you said to include her new puppy. It's like you're doing all these things, like your mindset
is all set around what the woman wants, what she wants, going at her pace, doing her thing,
including her puppy. This is all beta male mindset. Trying to do things to get her to
like you. Basically, you're letting her lead everything. Speaking of leading... because
we talked about that a couple questions ago, you're letting her lead the whole interaction
by doing all these things that you're doing. What is the correct way to do this?
If you want to hang out with her again, I would have just said, okay, cool, yeah, let's hang out,
when are you free? And that's it. And if she can't come up with any date or time to be able to hang
out, well now she's just really bullshitting you and doesn't have any time at all because
she's not giving you any times to hang out.
But it would just be going for the hangout and I would have grabbed a drink with her...
and then you would have tried... and I don't love this advice, because I don't like guys to be
trying to get girls to like them who originally don't. But if you want to give it a shot, okay.
Take her on a date, one date, even though it's not a date. It's kind of like this secret date. God,
I'm cringing at this advice. But again, you might have a chance here because she does want
to hang out. Maybe you're just being too beta around her. And maybe we can turn it around.
But it's only one time. Again, I got to be very clear. This is a one time thing. Because if she's
still friend-zoning after that second time, it done. It's just done. She sees you as a guy
who is a beta, by the way, you can change all this. Just take this advice, 180 everything and do
it better next time. I want you to have... this is very important... I want you to have this mindset.
You are in control. You are in the lead. You are trying to move it towards
a spot and date where you guys can build attraction. It should be a nighttime date,
no puppies, no walks, no friend stuff. You are trying to be a guy who is
in control and this is what is actually going to be getting her attracted to you. Or
you just say no to low interest women and say hey, good luck with your personal and
career life. I'm actually not looking for friends at the moment. Take care.