[Adum] -So I just saw Eternals and it was VERY stupid: the critical reviews for this one were particularly low,
so I was intrigued and decided I would watch it.
There were lots of characters in this movie, it was like they brought the avengers together, except this time they didn't have other movies exploring their characters beforehand.
And despite the two and a half hour run time, they didn't really develop the characters much in this film either.
During the end fight scene I was still having moments of like, "Oh which which one of you can fly again? What are your powers? I don't remember..."
It was much less of a personal journey than other marvel films.
It felt a lot more detached and unimportant.
Instead of properly developing characters, they spent most of the movie babbling on about how the eternals had been on earth for a long time,
but they didn't stop 911 because they're they're... they- they're not allowed...
Like, seriously there was so much of the film dedicated to this clunky exposition that made less and less sense, the more they explained it.
Spoilers: for a movie you shouldn't care about getting spoiled for anyway.
Once upon a time there's a Big Boy in space and he saw planet earth and he's like, "That one looks cool."
But the things on the planet aren't smart enough and the dinosaurs are taking up too much space.
So the Big Boy created basically the most generic looking alien creature monster that could possibly ever exist,
and he sent them to earth to clear out the dinosaurs, so that human beings could be the apex predator;
because he needs to harvest energy on the planet to create another big boy.
But for some reason, the energy HAS to come from a smart species...
I don't know why...
Anyway, apparently he's stupid, because the alien creatures that he sent down there, start killing humans now...
He's like, "Oops, I forgot that things evolve sometimes..."
I should also mention that the alien creatures are called "Deviants" so throughout the film they're like, "Oh no, deviants! We got to stop the deviants!"
So, because Big Boy's also very stupid, he created the Eternals and they're just some regular looking people,
but they have super powers and they can't age or evolve...
And because they can't evolve, that means that they're not gonna kill humans, I guess...
And the Big Boy likes the Eternals to be very diverse: there's a deaf one and there's a child and there's a big black gay man.
And despite creating the Eternals, the Big Boy lies to them and is like, "okay your mission is just to wipe out the deviants,
"and that's it! And you can go home after and nothing bad will happen to the humans."
But later in the film, it's like, "Oh no, humans are being used for energy and when the Big Boy gets birthed out of the planet, the other one that they're making, that they need the energy for, then the planet explodes and they all die...."
And so herein lies the conflict, where some of the eternals are like, "But they're my fwends!"
Like, you created them, you could have just been honest with them from the beginning;
instead of them getting emotionally attached and not understanding, that this would happen, until the like, a day before it's gonna happen, or something...
So, they spend like half the movie being like, "Oh Hiroshima? Um... we weren't supposed to stop that, so we didn't...
we can only intervene if the deviants are trying to kill humans. It's fine if they kill each other."
They say that every time there's war, the human population grows...
You know, the governments spend a lot of money and they get really angry, because they're killing each other and they make medical breakthroughs,
and then the population grows later... we just gotta let human beings nuke each other,
because that increases their population.
Don't you understand?
Nothing could possibly go wrong in that scenario...😒
So, most of the Eternals weren't aware that humans would be harvested for the Big Boy,
as they were allowing bombs to be dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki...
but they allowed it to happen, because those were the rules...?
Like, "We were told to only intervene when there's a deviant doing something."
But doesn't that conflict with like the entire conflict??
Like, in order for the entire conflict of the movie to happen, they have to have some sort of moral conscience, where they decide that they don't want humans to die...
But it just didn't happen until the current year, I guess...
They also acknowledged the "Thanos Snap" and say that because it happened that the big boy birth was delayed....
So, why didn't the Big Boy tell them to stop Thanos?
Because that actually... delayed... it...
It's a very stupid plot and it doesn't make any sense!
I was excited to see Christopher Abbott in this movie and then I found out it was actually Kit Harington and I was disappointed...
The characters in this movie are boring and unspecial and they just feel like "knock-off" versions of other superheroes.
Like, Hey! That one's just Superman and that one's just The Flash except they're deaf.
The music was generic and it got particularly terrible in the third act fight scene, with some really awful electric guitar sound: the tone sounded so cheap and lame,
the main character of the movie uh... is named Cersei?
But there's so many different characters, with different accents, saying her name, that it unintentionally sounds like they're saying something different...
At the very beginning of the film she introduces herself and I swear she said "I'm sassy."
There was a point in the movie where I heard someone call her "Seriously" and there were several points where characters called her "Sussy."
It was pretty funny...
Near the end of the movie the child character betrays the main character, because she's jealous of her being an adult.
"You're allowed to feel love and I'm not, because I'm in a child body and I don't want to date a pedophile."
And after the fight scene, the main character just stops giving a shit about the fact that she got hella betrayed by this child,
and she's like, "I have some leftover secret potion juice, I will turn you human now."
You couldn't have just made her look like an adult? Now she's gonna die synecdoche geez...
So, the Deviants were gone for like, a long time and then I guess, ice unthawed and so one of the Eternals named Icarus,
uh... uses the deviants as a distraction to distract all the other Eternals from the Big Boy birth...?
But Ajax figured out that humans will die during the Big Boy birth uh and so Icarus is like, "No no no you can't warn the other eternals."
So, he kills Ajax and he moves her body, so that the other Eternals notice the dead body
and they're like, "Oh no the Deviants are back, let's get distracted about it."
So at this point, Icarus is pretty fucking confident that none of the other Eternals will like this idea, about the big boy birth killing all the humans.
But then the Big, Big Boy, literally just tells the main character, he's like, "Yeah, this is where we're gonna do-"
Like, he could have just told them from the very beginning and then maybe they wouldn't be surprised, or he could have just not told them anything at this point,
because Icarus already knows about it.
Like, why would he tell the other Eternals about it, when it's pretty clear that they're not gonna take it well?
Like, Icarus is aware of this, like I don't know if Icarus could tell the Big Boy like, "Yo, don't tell them that you're gonna kill all the humans, because they probably won't like it.
"I just had to kill Ajax about it..."
I don't know! This movie is just so fucking stupid and annoying! I don't want to talk about it anymore...
There were a couple moments during the movie where I'm like, "Ah this isn't THAT bad,it's just kind of like another Marvel movie."
But, by the time it got to the end of it and I was really able to soak in the full picture,
I was like, "Wow..."
There wasn't much of a journey here: the story was awful, there weren't any particularly great aspects that held it up,
the jokes were not funny, the characters were annoying, the CG looked like CG.
It was a bad movie and i'm dumb now...
Goodbye! It's a three out of ten, goodbye...
[Adum] -Man stop your chat let's get this shoot roll until you ramp up before my next meeting chorp chop.