You look very sexy.
Thank you, I'm trying so hard.
It's like, you have to, I'm single,
so you, like, have to look hot all the time.
Is that, now see-- It's true.
I've been married a long time
and I have never felt the need to be hot.
First of all, when I was single, I didn't feel that need,
but now, for you, you think--
As a guy, you don't need it.
And like even when you're single as a guy,
your personality is enough.
As a woman, your personality is just like,
it's an afterthought, you need to just lead with looks.
Well, I'm reading all these books
about how to trick a man into loving you, and--
That is such an unhealthy field of books.
[Andy] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, they work. Do they work?
They're working for my friends, and
they're like "Why Men Love Bitches."
I didn't read that one, but I just started
like yelling at baristas more,
and it hasn't been working. That's not working for you?
And then there's one I'm reading right now called
"Fake It Till You Kill Yourself."
And I can't wait to finish it, because...
No, all these books tell you, they're like,
"Sorry, girls, but your personality, like,
stop working on it, it doesn't matter."
Like, you have to look,
you have to look bang-able all the time.
Like, remind men that they wanna put their penises in you,
even at, like, the bank.
Like you have to, like, you should just bend over,
like, I should just be in line at the bank like this.
Like just, you have to be presenting all the time to men
to remind them that they can have sex with you.
And it's exhausting, and it sucks.
But I understand it, like-- It's tough
on the low back, too, I would think.
This whole area-- Conan--
You're constantly, constantly presenting.
You are-- Is this
doing anything for you right now, Nikki?
It's not not doing, it's...
You're right, and there's a way to stand as a woman, too,
where you can just be like way hotter.
I learned this when I was "Dancing with the Stars."
'Cause I just have bad posture, I'm always just like uh.
And if you stand, if you try to make yourself the centaur...
Like, this is hurting so bad,
but everyone in here wants to (bleep) me.
(audience laughing) (Conan laughing)
It's just undeniable. (audience applauding)
But if you do, if you do-- It really--
If you're always like this as a woman,
you will be more attractive to men.
It's exhausting, it hurts so bad.
And that's the thing, I'm just like, I'm so tired
of being a woman, I have to be honest with you.
It's exhausting. It is so exhausting, Conan.
I got a sense of what it's like to be a man when I played
Kurt Cobain on this show called "Historical Roast."
I talked about it last time I was--
Yeah, yeah, and you dressed up like Kurt Cobain.
You looked a lot like Kurt Cobain.
Yeah, it was like, I was a dude for the night.
It was awesome, I got paid more.
I didn't see that coming. (audience laughing)
But like I was man-spreading because I just felt
like that was the way to do it, I can't do it
in this dress now. No, you cannot.
You know what it's like.
And women get mad at men when they do it,
'cause we're like, "They're taking up space."
It's like, "Isn't it enough for you?"
But it's really about their balls.
Like I feel like it's like, it's about your balls.
And like you're giving your balls room.
And I understand that, however, we have stuff to air out.
I've got an accordion that needs to be
(audience laughing)
like, aired out? Yeah, yeah.
So why do we have to be all bunchy,
and you guys, I mean I know it gets wet down there for you,
but it gets wet down there for us too.
And yours is 'cause you don't wipe well enough.
Mine is 'cause I walked by a guy who was walking his dog
and he said, "Good girl," and now I'm saturated
the rest of the day. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) So,
is any of this checkin' out? (laughing)
This is just, whenever I have moments like this,
it's like, "Call Boston and tell,
don't let Mom watch the show tonight."
(laughing) I'm sorry.
"I love that Nikki Glaser, she plays the accordion!"