>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU MIGHT NOTICE WHEN THE SHOW IS OPEN THESE DAYS I'M LEANING
BACK IN THE CHAIR A LOT.
I'M EITHER VERY COMFORTABLE IN THIS JOB THESE DAYS OR I NO
LONGER HAVE THE CORE STRENGTH TO SIT UP.
LET'S FIGURE OUT WHICH IT IS.
THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE IN AMERICA'S
HOT ZONE: 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.
AND REPORTS SAY THE WEST WING HAS TURNED INTO A GHOST TOWN.
PREVIOUSLY, THE ONLY GHOST HAUNTING THE MANSION WAS MIKE
PENCE.
HE'S AT LEAST A ZOMBIE.
WHY ELSE IS HE ATTRACTING ALL THOSE FLIES?
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN ESPECIALLY TOUGH FOR WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS LIKE CNN'S JOE JOHNS WHO HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HIM
DURING A BROADCAST.
>> GET!
THERE HE IS!
(ROARING) THE DAMN, FRICKIN' RACCOONS,
MAN.
GOD.
AGAIN!
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME!
JESUS!
>> I GUESS THE TRAP'S NOT WORKING.
>> RIGHT.
HEY, MAN.
THAT FRICKIN' RACCOON CAME BACK.
IT ALWAYS COMES AROUND RIGHT ABOUT WHEN I AM GOING TO GO ON
TV.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: POOR JOE JOHNS!
STUCK THERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH THAT DISEASE-RIDDEN,
GARBAGE EATING ANIMAL RUNNING AROUND.
ALSO THAT RACCOON.
BUT I'M NOT THAT SURPRISED.
HUMANS HAVE RETREATED FROM THEIR NATURAL HABITATS BECAUSE OF THE
VIRUS, AND WILDLIFE MOVES IN.
ED SULLIVAN THEATER'S BEEN EMPTY FOR SEVEN MONTHS.
I WONDER WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE.
DO WE HAVE A PICTURE?
THAT DAMN RACCOON IS AT MY DESK!
AND HE'S INTERVIEWING BRADLEY COOPER!
AND THEY'RE CLEARLY HAVING SO MUCH FUN!
LOOK AT THE CAMERA STRAIGHT!
OF COURSE, JOE JOHNS ISN'T THE FIRST NEWSMAN TO BE INTERRUPTED
BY AN ANIMAL.
IT HAPPENED TO CRONKITE.
>> PRESIDENT NIXON REPORTEDLY WILL ANNOUNCE HIS RESIGNATION,
AND VICE PRESIDENT FORD WILL BECOME THE NATIONS 38TH
PRESIDENT TOMORROW, THAT WORD COMES--
(ROARING) (SCREAMING)
-- AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS!
>> STEPHEN: WITH COVID RUNNING RAMPANT THROUGHOUT THE EXECUTIVE
BRANCH, THIS MORNING THE COMMISSION ON PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATES ANNOUNCED THAT THE SECOND PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE WILL
BE VIRTUAL.
VIRTUAL?
HOW'S THAT GONNA WORK?
HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE LIKE "TRON."
SO INSTEAD OF DISCUSSING THE ECONOMY, THEY'LL RACE AROUND ON
RECUMBENT LIGHT-CYCLES.
OF COURSE, THEY'LL NEED TO UPDATE THEIR WARDROBE.
THE DECISION DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER,
BILL STEPIEN-- WHO, BY THE WAY, ALSO HAS COVID.
HE CLAIMED THE NEW FORMAT IS UNNECESSARY BECAUSE TRUMP "WILL
HAVE POSTED MULTIPLE NEGATIVE TESTS PRIOR TO THE DEBATE."
THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
YOU CAN'T PUT ALL YOUR FAITH IN SOMETHING THAT COULD HAPPEN DOWN
THE LINE WHEN THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCE IS DEATH.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, I KNOW YOUR PARACHUTE ISN'T
WORKING NOW, BUT I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT WE'LL GET IT
UP AND RUNNING BEFORE WE REACH TERMINAL VELOCITY.
NOW HAND ME THAT SCOTCH TAPE."
SO WHAT WILL THIS VIRTUAL DEBATE LOOK LIKE?
WE MIGHT NEVER FIND OUT, BECAUSE AFTER IT WAS ANNOUNCED, TRUMP
IMMEDIATELY CALLED MARIA BARTIROMO OF FOX BUSINESS AND
SAID THIS: >> I AM NOT GOING TO DO A
VIRTUAL DEBATE.
I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE MY TIME ON A VIRTUAL DEBATE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP'S TIME IS VERY PRECIOUS... HE SAID WHILE
CALLING FOX BUSINESS IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEADLY PLAGUE.
BUT IT WAS NO SURPRISE TO HEAR TRUMP'S MAIN GRIPE ABOUT A
VIRTUAL FORMAT.
>> AND THEN THEY CUT YOU OFF WHENEVER THEY WANT.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S AFRAID OF HAVING TO FOLLOW THE RULES THAT
HE AGREED TO.
(AS TRUMP) "THE REFEREES HAVE ALL THESE
FOOTBALL RULES.
IF THEY WON'T LET ME STAB THE QUARTERBACK, I'M GOING TO TAKE
MY BLOOD-SOAKED BALL AND GO HOME."
THE SUBJECT SHIFTED TO COVID AND WHETHER OR NOT THE PRESIDENT
THOUGHT HE WAS A DISEASE VECTOR: >> YOU SAY YOU FEEL GREAT, BUT
THE MEDIA IS OUT THERE SAYING THAT YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.
BUT DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE?
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY YOU WOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY IF YOU SAY YOU'RE
READY TO GO TO A RALLY.
>> NO, I DON'T THINK I'M CONTAGIOUS.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?
DO YOU FEEL CONTAGIOUS?
"FOLLOW UP, WHAT DOES THE ECONOMY SMELL LIKE, AND HOW HIGH
IS WHEN?" TRUMP ASSURED BARTIROMO THAT
HE'S PROBABLY OKAY: >> I WILL BE TESTED VERY SOON,
BUT I AM ESSENTIALLY VERY CLEAN.
THEY SAY IT'S OVER A PERIOD OF SIX, SEVEN DAYS, AND I WAS-- I,
YOU KNOW, AN AMAZING THING HAPPENED TO ME.
I WENT IN, AND I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
I EXPECTED AT SOME POINT BECAUSE I AM OUT THERE, I GOT TO BE A
LEADER, I CAN'T, YOU KNOW, WINSTON CHURCHILL DIDN'T STAY IN
HIS BASEMENT FOR SIX MONTHS.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID!
IT'S CALLED A CHURCHILL BUNKER AND IT'S NOW A MUSEUM.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
(AS TRUMP) "OH, RIGHT, SORRY.
MY MIND REFUSES TO FORM MEMORIES THAT INVOLVE ERIC."
TRUMP THEN EXPLAINED WHY THE VIRUS WAS SO HARD TO STOP:
>> LOOK, IT'S A TINY, TINY, LIKEN IT TO A TINY MICROSCOPIC
PIECE OF DUST, AND IT GETS INTO NOSE OR YOUR MOUTH OR YOUR EYE
FRANKLY, OR SOMETHING ELSE WHERE YOU TOUCH SOMETHING.
SO I UNDERSTAND, AND THEN GET BETTER.
>> STEPHEN: SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY VERY RECENTLY JUST EXPLAINED TO
HIM HOW GERMS WORK.
(AS TRUMP) "AND MARIA, THE WAY WE GOT HERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE IS THAT A MOMMY AND A DADDY LOVE EACH
OTHER VERY, VERY MUCH AND GAVE EACH OTHER A VERY SPECIAL HUG."
THEN DADDY GOES AND GETS SPANKED BY A PORN STAR.
OF COURSE, ONE OF THE REASONS FOR TRUMP'S MIRACULOUS RECOVERY
IS NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN PHARMACEUTICALS-- THAT HE ALSO
THINKS HE DIDN'T NEED: >> WE HAVE-- I CALL THEM CURES,
I DON'T CALL THEM THERAPEUTICS.
YOU TAKE IT, IT'S AN ANTIBODY DRUG, YOU TAKE IT, AND IT BEATS
THE HELL OUT OF IT.
AND I'M TELLING YOU, I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT 24 HOURS AFTER I
WENT IN.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO IN, FRANKLY, I THINK IT WOULD HAVE GONE AWAY
BY ITSELF.
IT'S GREAT.
AND WHAT I AM DOING IS I AM GOING TO SUPPLY THIS DRUG-- IT
MADE ME BETTER, I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
I WALKED IN, I DIDN'T FEEL GREAT, I THINK I WOULD HAVE DONE
IT FINE WITHOUT DRUGS, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T REALLY NEED DRUGS.
I STOPPED, I DON'T TAKE THEM ANYMORE.
NO, I DON'T TAKE THEM ANYMORE I THINK TAKING ALMOST NOTHING.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THESE DRUGS ARE GREAT, BUT HE DOESN'T NEED THEM,
BUT THEY CURED HIM RIGHT AWAY, BUT HE'S GOING TO FAST TRACK
THEM, BUT HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITHOUT THEM, BUT HE'S
NOT TAKING THEM.
WHY IS IT THAT HE TOOK THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUG, AND WE'RE THE
ONES EXPERIENCING DIZZINESS, CONFUSION, AND NAUSEA?
SHORTLY AFTER TRUMP'S PHONE-IN WITH FOX BUSINESS, HE RELEASED A
NEW VIDEO ON TWITTER IN WHICH HE BRAGGED ABOUT HOW GOOD HE'S
BEEN FOR THE MILITARY.
>> I TOOK OVER A DEPLETED MILITARY-- OLD EQUIPMENT, BROKEN
EQUIPMENT.
EVEN IN THE ARMY, ALL BRAND-NEW UNIFORMS WITH THE BELT,
EVERYBODY WANTED THE BELT.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU'RE BRAGGING ABOUT GETTING THEM A BELT?
BY THE WAY, I'VE GOTTEN ENOUGH BAD GIFTS IN MY LIFE TO KNOW
WHEN SOMEBODY IS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.
"WOW, IT'S A BELT!
THANK YOU!
I WAS JUST SAYING HOW MUCH I NEEDED A BELT WITH A... IS THIS
A PEWTER COW SKULL BUCKLE?
SO EXCITED.
DO YOU HAVE THE RECEIPT?
I WANT TO FRAME IT SO I CAN REMEMBER THE TIME I GOT THIS
REALLY GREAT BELT."
IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT, SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT WHITE
HOUSE STAFFERS ARE TESTING POSITIVE, TOO.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE OF TRUMP'S MILITARY AIDES TASKED WITH
CARRYING THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL REPORTEDLY HAS CORONAVIRUS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY FOUND SOMEONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE
WILLING TO STEP IN.
YOU KNOW HOW THE WORLD IS INSANE RIGHT NOW AND EVERY DAY YOU
THINK, "THAT'S GOT TO BE IT.
THINGS CAN'T POSSIBLY GET MORE INSANE"?
WELL, TODAY GET MORE.
BECAUSE THE F.B.I. SAYS IT THWARTED A PLOT TO VIOLENTLY
OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT AND KIDNAP MICHIGAN GOVERNOR
GRETCHEN WHITMER.
WHAT?
ALSO, WHAAA?!
IS THIS REAL LIFE, OR ARE WE TRAPPED IN A NEW SEASON OF "24?"
I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO BEING TRAPPED IN A CROSSOVER EPISODE
OF "THE WEST WING" AND "THE WALKING DEAD!"
AND DID THEY MEAN TAKE OVER THE GOVERNMENT OF MICHIGAN?
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT WOULD DO!
ENDANGER OUR AC-DELCO AUTO PARTS SUPPLY?
LOWER AMERICA'S STRATEGIC RESERVES OF FISHING LICENSES?
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THESE GUYS ARE IN CUSTODY, AND GOVERNOR
WHITMER AND HER FAMILY ARE ALL SAFE.
SO, WHO WERE THESE NUMBSKULLS?
WELL, THE MICHIGAN ATTORNEY GENERAL IDENTIFIED THE GROUP AS
THE "WOLVERINE WATCHMEN."
SO, THE CLARIFY, THIS ANTI-COVID RULES MILITIA NAMED THEMSELVES
AFTER A GUY WHO FAMOUSLY CAN'T GET SICK, AND PEOPLE WHO
FAMOUSLY WEAR MASKS.
APPARENTLY, THESE GUYS WERE ANGRY ABOUT GOVERNOR WHITMER'S
STATE-WIDE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN.
AND THE F.B.I. WERE TIPPED OFF TO THEIR PLANS WHEN ONE OF THE
DUMMIES POSTED A FACEBOOK VIDEO IN WHICH HE COMPLAINED ABOUT
COVID-19 RESTRICTIONS ON GYMS OPERATING IN MICHIGAN.
SO, THE WHOLE REVOLUTION COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED IF HE HAD
JUST SPRUNG FOR A PELOTON?
THAT IS THE LAMEST REASON TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT.
"SURE, I UNDERSTAND THE NECESSITY OF STATE MANDATED
HEALTH STANDARDS, BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT LOSING DEFINITION IN MY
DELTOIDS!" LOOK AT THAT.
I'M JUST COUNTING THE SHREDS, RIGHT HERE.
WELL, AT LEAST NOW THEY CAN ALL CONCENTRATE ON GETTING RIPPED IN
JAIL.
BETWEEN THE DAILY HOUR IN THE YARD AND A STEADY DIET OF
POTATOES AND EXPIRED TACO MEAT, THEY'LL GET JACKED.
SO THE FEDS GATHERED ALL THE EVIDENCE THEY NEEDED AGAINST
THESE MAROONS, THANKS TO AN F.B.I. CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE WHO
RECORDED THE MEETINGS IN DUBLIN, OHIO.
TALK ABOUT GETTING THE SHORT END OF THE UNDERCOVER STICK.
"AND FOR OUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT TIM WILL BE GOING TO DUBLIN... OHIO.
SORRY, I SHOULD'VE LEAD WITH OHIO."
THESE DINGUSES WERE ALSO PLANNING TO TAKE OUT A BRIDGE,
WHICH THEY FELT WOULD ALSO HINDER POLICE'S ABILITY TO
FOLLOW THEM ON WATER.
I'M GONNA GUESS ON SURFBOARDS?
OR AS THEY ACTUALLY PUT IT IN AN ACTUAL GROUP CHAT WHICH ACTUALLY
SHOWS UP IN THE ACTUAL COURT FILING:
IF THE "BRIDGE EMOJI" GO "FINGER POINTING DOWN EMOJI" IT ALSO "X
EMOJI" THE "WAVE EMOJI."
AND NOW EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF THESE "EGGPLANT EMOJIS" IS
TOTALLY "SCREW EMOJI"-ED.
THE GROUP MET NUMEROUS TIMES TO MAKE THEIR PLANS, INCLUDING IN
THE BASEMENT OF A SHOP IN MICHIGAN THAT WAS ACCESSIBLE
ONLY THROUGH A TRAPDOOR UNDER A RUG.
OOH, A TRAPDOOR HIDEAWAY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DID THE ROPE LADDER BREAK TO TIMMY'S TREE
HOUSE?
ONE OF THESE MILITIA MORONS WAS CRASHING WITH A FRIEND, THE
OWNER OF A VACUUM STORE IN GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN, WHO HAD GIVEN
HIM A PLACE TO STAY IN THE STORE'S BASEMENT AFTER HE WAS
KICKED OUT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND'S HOME.
MUST HAVE BEEN HARD FOR THAT GUY TO GET BACK INTO THE DATING
SCENE.
"WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE... THE BASEMENT UNDER A
TRAPDOOR IN A VACUUM STORE."
HUH?
YEAH...
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THE F.B.I. RAIDED IT, THE
VACUUM STORE OWNER EXPRESSED DISBELIEF, SAYING, "I FELT SORRY
FOR HIM, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS CAPABLE OF DOING THIS; THIS
IS ALMOST INSANE.
I KNEW HE WAS IN A MILITIA, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN A
MILITIA THAT DON'T PLAN TO KIDNAP THE GOVERNOR.
I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK."
FIRST OFF, "I KNEW HE WAS IN A MILITIA, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF
PEOPLE IN A MILITIA"?
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST WON THE AWARD FOR "MOST MICHIGAN
SENTENCE EVER."
BARELY BEATING OUT "IF YOU'RE GOING UP NORTH FOR THE SUMMER TO
VISIT SOME YOOPERS YOU BETTER PACK A LOT OF POP."
AND SECONDLY: I JUST WANT TO REMIND EVERYBODY IN A MILITIA:
YOU'RE NOT IN A MILITIA.
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF BUDDIES GETTING TOGETHER WITH GUNS.
IF I PLAY A GAME OF CATCH IN THE FRONT YARD, I HAVEN'T BEEN
SIGNED BY THE YANKEES.
BUT HEY, JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE VIOLENT DOMESTIC TERRORISTS
DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
ACCORDING TO THE UNDERCOVER AGENT, AT ONE POINT ONE OF
THE MILITA SAID "OH, NO, WE'RE NOT KIDNAPPING, THAT'S NOT
WHAT WE'RE DOING," WHICH SPARKED GENERAL LAUGHTER.
AMIDST THE LAUGHTER, ANOTHER VOICE SAID "WE'RE ADULT
NAPPING."
(LAUGHS) OH, I LOVE A GOOD HOMEGROWN
TERRORIST JOKE, MY FAVORITE IS "KNOCK KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?
IT'S THE F.B.I, YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MINDY KALING AND FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR JOHN
BRENNAN.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" JOIN US, WON'T YOU?