NOW, THIS ELECTION HAS BEEN VERY DIVISIVE.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT.
BUT MOST OF US BELIEVE THAT DEEP DOWN, WE ALL HAVE THE SAME HOPES
AND DREAMS.
AND WE ARE WRONG.
BECAUSE A NEW SURVEY SAYS REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS DON'T
JUST DISAGREE ABOUT POLITICS.
THEY HAVE DIFFERENT SEXUAL FANTASIES.
YOU CAN TRUST THE SURVEY, BECAUSE THEY TOOK THEIR TIME.
I MEAN, THE VOTERS WERE REPEATEDLY POLLED.
( LAUGHTER )
MORE LIKELY TO FANTASIZE ABOUT THINGS LIKE INFIDELITY, ORGIES,
AND PARTNER SWAPPING, FROM 70s-STYLE "KEY PARTIES" TO
MODERN-DAY FORMS OF SWINGING.
THAT'S RIGHT, REPUBLICANS ARE THE PARTY OF FAMILY VALUES.
AND THEY'D REALLY VALUE A CHANCE TO PARTY WITH YOUR FAMILY.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
REPUBLICANS ALSO REPORTED MORE FANTASIES WITH VOYEURISTIC
THEMES, INCLUDING VISITING STRIP CLUBS.
HOW UPTIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO BE THAT VISITING A STRIP CLUB IS
YOUR FANTASY?
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD RANDOMLY BE IN A ROOM THAT ALSO
HAS A NAKED LADY.
BUT ONCE A YEAR, ON MY BIRTHDAY, I DO DRIVE PAST ONE."
THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE,
DEMOCRATS WERE MORE LIKELY TO FANTASIZE ABOUT B.D.S.M.
ACTIVITIES, PARTICULARLY MASOCHISM, WHICH INVOLVES
DERIVING PLEASURE FROM THE EXPERIENCE OF PAIN.
OH, OH, REALLY?
SO GETTING THEIR ASSES KICKED BY THE REPUBLICANS WAS SOME SORT OF
SICK ROLE-PLAYING?
"LOOK, LOOK, I'M BEGGING YOU BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, I'M
BEGGING YOU, DRESS UP LIKE MITCH McCONNELL AND OBSTRUCT ME."
>> Jon: OH!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S A SCIENTIFIC STUDY!
ACCORDING TO THE STUDY'S AUTHOR, BOTH PARTIES ARE ATTRACTED TO
WHAT THEY CONSIDER TABOO.
AND THAT STEMS FROM A PSYCHOLOGICAL PRINCIPLE KNOWN AS
"REACTANCE," WHICH STIPULATES THAT WHEN WE'RE TOLD WE CAN'T DO
SOMETHING, WE WANT TO DO IT EVEN MORE.
IF YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT REACTANCE, YOU CAN'T,
BECAUSE I WON'T LET YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU LIKE THAT?
OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME SEXUAL KINKS THAT TRANSCEND PARTY.
FOR EXAMPLE, I SAW THIS HEADLINE THE OTHER DAY: "A PROFESSIONAL
MERMAID SAYS UNWANTED ADVANCES FROM MERVERTS IS THE WORST PART
OF THE JOB."
JUST LIKE THAT, YOU'VE BEEN MADE AWARE OF A NEW PROFESSION AND
ITS VERY SERIOUS PROBLEMS, AND THE WORD MERVERT.
APPARENTLY, PROFESSIONAL MERMAIDS ARE COSTUMED PERFORMERS
WHO WORK AT AQUARIUMS AND BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
AND ACCORDING TO ONE OF THEM: "WE DO GET UNWANTED ATTENTION,
OFTEN SEXUAL IN NATURE, AND WE CALL THOSE PEOPLE MERVERTS."
THAT IS A SHAME, AND I JUST WANT TO ASSURE YOU, NOT ALL MEN ARE
MERVERTS.
SOME OF US ARE COMPLETE GENTLE-MERN.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY TO SEND MERMAIDS CREEPY MESSAGES LIKE, "I LOVE TO WATCH
YOU SWIM" AND, "YOU'RE DELICIOUS, EVEN WITHOUT ANY
TARTAR SAUCE."
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: UGH.
UGH.
TARTAR SAUCE...
I'VE TOLERATED THIS INJUSTICE FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS, AND I'M
NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY LONGER.
LISTEN UP, YOU MERVERTS AND OTHER SEAVIENTS: PROFESSIONAL
MERMAIDS DON'T EXIST TO BE FETISH OBJECTS IN YOUR SICK,
OCEAN SEX FANTASY.
PROFESSIONAL MERMAIDS EXIST TO PROVIDE AN UNREALISTIC BODY
IMAGE TO YOUNG CHILDREN AND YOUNG FISH.
( LAUGHTER )
PROBLEM-- I DON'T WANT THIS MERVERT PROBLEM TO AFFECT YOUR
OTHER CHERISHED HUMAN-SEA CREATURE
PERFORMERS.
I'M TALKING YOUR WOMANATEES, YOUR NAR-MAIDS, AND YOUR
FEEELS-- THAT'S A FEMALE EEL.
( LAUGHTER )
FLORIDA MAYOR IS ACCUSED OF SOLICITING SEX FROM A
CONSTITUENT IN EXCHANGE FOR SPEED BUMPS.
THIS TYPE OF CORRUPTION IS OFTEN REFERRED TO AS "PAY TO PLAY,"
BUT LET'S JUST CALL THIS ONE "HUMPS FOR BUMPS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I STRUCK A NERVE.
THAT REALLY STRUCK A NERVE.
THE STORY IS SPEAKING TO PEOPLE.
ACCORDING TO FLORIDA RESIDENT CATHERINE PADILLA, SHE WAS
PROPOSITIONED BY MAYOR OF LANTERNA AND MAN SUGGESTING HIS
JACUZZI AT A WEIRD TIME, DAVID STEWART.
AND PADILLA SUSPECTS SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THE MAYOR
OFFERED SEX IN EXCHANGE FOR SPEED BUMPS.
SHE SAID, "IF THERE'S ANYBODY OUT THERE THAT HAS HAD THIS
HAPPEN TO THEM OUT THERE, PLEASE COME FORWARD NOW, BECAUSE IT'S
NOT TOO LATE."
HMM.
I SUGGEST INTERVIEWING ANYONE WHO LIVES ON THIS STREET.
( LAUGHTER )
STREET?
IS THAT A REAL STREET?
I DON'T KNOW.
COULD BE.
BUT THAT'S SMALL-TOWN POLITICS.
I'M FOCUSED ON THE BIG VOTE THAT WILL RE-SHAPE AMERICA'S
POLITICAL LANDSCAPE: THE ARIZONA ELECTION FOR STATE
MINING INSPECTOR.
IT'S A HOT RACE BETWEEN REPUBLICAN JOE HART AND DEMOCRAT
BILL PIERCE.
AND IF THEY LOOK LIKE PERFECTLY NORMAL CANDIDATES, THAT'S
BECAUSE THESE ARE JUST STOCK PHOTOS OF POLITICIANS.
HERE'S THE REAL JOE HART AND BILL PIERCE.
NOW, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON IN THESE TWO PICTURES, BUT WE'RE
GOING TO GO WITH EMERGENCY ROOM TRIAGE RULES AND START WITH THE
GUY WHO'S BLEEDING FROM HIS FACE.
THAT'S HART'S MUG SHOT AFTER A 2017 ARREST FOLLOWING A FIGHT
THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE 73-YEAR-OLD HART AND HIS
59-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW.
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT FIGHTING YOUR NEPHEW IS A LONG
ARIZONA TRADITION.
IT'S ACTUALLY THE ARIZONA STATE MOTTO.
AND HOW DID OL' NEPHEW-STRANGLER HERE GET INTO THE MINE
INSPECTING FIELD?
ACCORDING TO HIM, "I KNEW HOW TO PUSH AN ORE CAR BY THE TIME I
WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.
MY DAD THOUGHT IF YOU'S OLD ENOUGH TO EAT SOLID FOOD, YOU'S
OLD ENOUGH TO WORK IN THE MINE."
ALSO, "YOU'S OLD ENOUGH TO FIGHT AN UNCLE!"
"COME ON!
I'M A TODDLER!
BUT I'M TALL ENOUGH TO PUNCH YOU IN THE GEM STONES!
LET'S DO THIS!" NOW, HART'S OPPONENT IS BILL
PIERCE, WHO, REMEMBER, LOOKS LIKE JOHNNY CASH HAD A BABY WITH
FATHER TIME.
AND WHAT ARE HIS CREDENTIALS?
WELL, ACCORDING TO PIERCE, A FIRE BROKE OUT AT THE COTTON GIN
HE WAS WORKING AT, AND HE HAD TO FIGHT THE FIRE HIMSELF, DURING
WHICH, HE FELL BACKWARDS INTO A SEED PIT, CRACKING HIS HEAD OPEN
AND BREAKING MORE THAN A DOZEN BONES ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS
BODY.
"THEY CALLED MY WIFE AND TOLD HER I WAS DEAD.
TURNS OUT, I WASN'T DEAD, SO THEY PULLED ME OUT OF THERE.
I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT A SAFE WORK ENVIRONMENT HAS TO BE
A PRIORITY, SO THAT'S WHY I AM RUNNING."
I'M SORRY, IS HE--
I'M SORRY, IS HE RUNNING IN 2018 OR 1820?
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.