Hello I m Darren Magee and today s video is the third part looking at how to set, manage and
reinforce your boundaries when it comes to dealing with narcissistic, toxic people. Now, if you
haven't seen the first two parts of this series already, by all means go ahead and check them out.
But for today I'm going to be looking at some phrases that can help you manage your boundaries.
Now these phrases, yeah, they may be something you may be able to say to the other person. Other
times maybe that's not going to be your best option. It might not be the safest thing to do,
but these phrases you hold on to them, hold on to them in here you say them to yourself. They
can help you hold on to your boundaries. So if you like this video, if you find it helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related topics.
But as always just as a reminder. This video is not a substitute for support from a mental
health professional. Nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. And before I go any further,
as always I'd like to remind you that when you're dealing with toxic and sometimes
vindictive people, it's always about making sure you're safe. Asserting yourself is not about
being aggressive. Managing your boundaries is not trying to antagonise someone. We don't always know
how a vindictive, maybe abusive person is going to react if they have been used to getting their own
way with you for so long, especially if they re used to walking all over you. So always make sure
you're safe. I'm also going to ask you to consider if you are going to use these phrases, this is
not about trying to win. Okay, now I'm going to be honest, my heart sinks whenever I see articles and
videos and books and things and they re entitled things like how to beat the narcissist . Say these
ten things they re going to make them crazy . Things narcissists hate . Whenever I see that,
yeah, these things could contain really good, useful information. Narcissistic people can
be very vindictive. They can hold a long memory, they can hold a grudge for even decades. Because
narcissism by its very nature is destructive, okay? It is not something you poke with a stick.
It's not something you throw a stone at. Its not something you try and get the last word with.
People with narcissistic tendencies and qualities, you know, if they cannot destroy something from
the inside, they will try and destroy it from the outside. So when you think about the phrases I'm
going to say in tonight's video, this is not about winning, this is about not taking part
in what is essentially a rigged game. Okay, like, I say you don't have to say them out loud.
Sometimes you hold on to them in here because they can help you to manage your boundaries. Okay,
So what you're not doing is you're not getting caught up in the chaos. You're not getting caught
up in the blame shifting, the gaslighting, you're not getting caught up in their drama. You're not
getting caught up in their fantasy world. So just to recap, in the previous two videos I discussed,
recognising what are boundaries are, you know, we think of Watson about my watch yours. What's mine?
What s other peoples we we think about our values, our limits, our integrity and our self respect. I
also want you to think about somethings to stop doing when it comes to managing your
boundaries. First of all, you stop looking for validation, that's not going to happen.
You stop making excuses for them because that allows it to continue. You stop hoping they're
going to change, if they're going to change, that's up to them, they have to want to,
they have to put the work in. But you also stop explaining and justifying yourself.
But I also mentioned not underestimating them. Now as ridiculous as some of the behaviour can be
remember many have spent a lifetime finding different ways to twist things around,
blame shift, devalue and manipulate. You don't underestimate them there's less chance you're
going to be blindsided by them when they pulled some stunt or, or say something. But I also
mentioned not doing or saying anything that's going to make you look vulnerable to them or
appear vulnerable to them. Remember, people with narcissistic qualities and traits, it's, they tend
to see any kind of vulnerability as a weakness, and they tend to exploit that whenever they can,
so you don't do or say anything that's going to make you appear vulnerable. I also mentioned that
if you set a boundary you, you make it clear there will be a consequence for crossing that boundary.
If you don't follow that through, even if you dilute that just a little bit, if you don't follow
that through, you've just shown them that you're not serious, you've just shown them that if that
boundary didn't matter, your other ones don't matter either. Lastly, I mentioned naming the
behaviour not necessarily naming them, not name calling, not saying, hey you're a narcissist.
You name the behaviour you recognise the tactic and that could sound something like,
I've noticed you keep talking over the top of me , I notice you keep changing the topic of
the conversation . Whatever it is you name the behaviour. You're letting them know
that you know what they're doing. So let's look at some useful phrases okay? So imagine your maybe
in a conversation, maybe it's an uncomfortable conversation. Maybe you see it's being steered
in a particular way. If you cannot shutdown that conversation. If you can't leave now,
sometimes it's useful that maybe lift your phone, pretend, oh I'm going to have to take this call
or I m going to have the answer this message, you know, maybe you can't do that. Remember that some
narcissistic people are relentless. They will keep going asking the same intrusive kind of questions
until you react somehow. So the tactic is to learn how to sidestep it, learn how to deflect it.
This might sound a bit odd, considering this is one of the very tactics they do when it comes to
being allusive, whenever it comes to avoiding any kind of responsibility. But what I mean is
you sidestep it in a way that their question or comment, or criticism, whatever it is,
it just misses and hits the wall. It does not get the impact that they hoped for. Remember if they
have induced a conversation, it's probably because there's some kind of agenda there. Now that
agenda could be they want to turn the conversation into more about them, about how great they are,
special they are or how awful you are, you know what a disgrace you are. Or they may
ask a question aimed at putting you into a box just so that it doesn't matter what you answer,
they will have their gotcha moment. So what you do is you side step it, you shift the topic.
But again, not in the way that they do. You shift it back onto them. Now what that might
sound like is, like question I learned a lot of years ago, I used to work in mediation and
sometimes somebody would say something, the other party would jump to conclusion. The questions that
would be asked would be things like What is it you think I've just said? What is it you think
I meant by that? How did you hear that? How did that come across? And, So I'm saying that, and
you're telling me it means this. I'm not sure how you get there from here. Please explain that to
me . Now you might be called stupid. You might be called crazy. You might be called a lot of things.
You might be on the wrong end of a lot of circular reasoning, but that's perfectly OK, they are doing
their own work. You re not owning any of it. You may find your choices, your behaviours, whatever
it is, they re being criticised, something you've done maybe didn't work out right. Whatever it is
they re going to bring this up, they're going to tell you what you did wrong. They're going
to tell you what you should have done. Whatever it is. Well, you can respond with something like
thank you for your concern . You don't have to go any further than that.
Or as is quite common, sometimes you will get an absolute. It could come across like a threat.
It'll come across like an ultimatum, whatever, so it might sound something along the lines of,
If you do that or if you don't do that, whatever it is, if you do that, I will never speak to
you again . Now you think about the past, you may have found yourself like I find myself a few times
,you're trying to find a way of okay. Well maybe I better not do this even though it's
in my best interest. You know, I better do this to please them. You get an absolute like that,
you know, whatever it is, I'll never speak to you again . Well, you can respond with something like
If you don't speak to me again, that is your choice. I will not be making it for you . Again
it was deflected and you handed it right back to them. But something else had just come to mind as
we're talking. A lot of times things will be done and said usually in front of other people. There
will usually be a version of events, something that happened. One minor detail will be magnified,
the impact that had it's usually going to be something where you re being selfish, or you
ve been inappropriate or whatever it was. Now even if this is done in front of other people,
it's usually embarrassing. Remember, that's what the aim is. It's to embarrassing you it's to shame
you. But we can respond with something like, Is that how you have chosen to remember that? You've
not disagreed, you have not explained yourself, you not justifying anything. You just left that
with them. Again when you find yourself being criticised, ridiculed whatever it is, whatever
it is that they claim to be the expert in again rather than you justifying yourself, you ask them
questions. What do you think the secret to success is? What do you think makes a good, healthy,
successful relationship? What do you think would make a good working relationship? and on and on
it goes. Now it doesn't matter, you ll probably get a lot of waffle. It'll probably be things,
you know, what you don't do is what you're doing. Do you know what? Just let them say
what they're saying. Now, even if it's full of platitudes, you know, whatever it is. Who knows,
you might even pick up something useful other than that, you just let them waffle on You do not
own any of it. You have sidestepped it. You're not owning any of the nonsense. You're not
necessarily taking in anything you don't want to take in, you're not engaging. My favourite phrase,
doesn't matter who the person is, sometimes it would have been a manager, sometimes it
would have been a partner or whatever it was. If I find myself on the wrong end of somebody was very
toxic, trying to get me to do things were not my best interest. I would have just pointed that out.
I don't think that's in my best interest and I left it at that. I didn't say why I didn't say
what I would do instead I just left it at that, but like I say these things you don't have to say
out loud. You hold them in your own head. If you feel safe enough to say it by all means go ahead.
Bear in mind there will be consequences, but that's entirely up to you.
Remember, with boundaries I keep saying it's what's my mine and what s yours. When it comes to
narcissistic toxic people, you do not need anyone's permission to do what is in your
own best interest. You do not need to let other people decide what's best for you,
and you certainly do not have to apologise for how you feel at how you're treated. Like I say,
when you start to assert yourself expect some kind of kickback so you always make sure you're safe,
but also stay strong. And when you start to begin to assert your boundaries, to set your boundaries
narcissistic people tend to go through a whole repertoire of minimalizing,
blame shifting, virtue signalling, claiming that you're too sensitive. You have no sense of humour.
You're the thoughtless one, you re uncaring, you have no empathy. In fact, you know what? You
are the narcissist. They will probably even tell others that you are the problem or they have no
idea what's wrong with you. You've just decided not the like them one day, all are trying to do
is resolve it. That can be quite unpleasant. Especially if you end up losing friends,
colleagues, family members even. As difficult as that can be only you remember, only you can decide
whether or not your boundaries are up for negotiation. And if you get it wrong,
you haven't actually failed, you ve actually learned something. You build on your successes
every bit as much as you learn from your failures, okay? And I said, I think it was in the previous
video you keep on practising, there's different ways you can practise asserting yourself okay? So
as always, there s some interesting comments, conversations starting running these videos.
Please feel free to use the comment box below. Please feel free to share
any of the ways you used to manage boundaries, others may find them helpful.
So if you like this video, if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel for
future updates on mental health related topics and until next time. Thanks for watching.