>>>
>>> WE'VE
>>> WE'VE ALL HAD THAT MOMENT WHERE WE LET SOMETHING
COME OUT OF OUR MOUTH BEFORE
THINKING IT THROUGH
THEN YOU HAVE TO DELL WITH THE
CONSEQUENCES THAT
CONSEQUENCES THAT FOLLOW.
FOLLOW.
FOLLOW. WE WOULD NEVER WANT SOMEONE TO
TAKE SOMETHING WE SAY
THE WRONG WAY.
HOW DO WE PREVENT THE
CONFUSION.
CONFUSION. BOY, IS THERE CONFUSION.
WE'RE DIVING INTO THAT TODAY
WITH REAL TALK WITH
CARA KNEER.
CARA KNEER. OUR CORRESPONDENT MYRA SKY
STUCK AROUND, AND BRANDI
HARVEY.
HARVEY.
HARVEY. ALL OF OUR LADIES ARE
BEAUTIFUL, BUT THIS IS --
>> YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THIS IS MARIA HARPER.
SHE'S A LOCAL DESIGNER HERE.
>> SHE IS KILLING IT.
YOU'RE KILLING IT.
I MEAN, THAT IS GORGEOUS.
>>> LET'S DIVE INTO THIS,
LADIES.
LADIES.
LADIES. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THIS
HAPPENS.
HAPPENS.
HAPPENS. I'M ALWAYS SAYING THE WRONG
THING OR MAYBE TEXTING
THE WRONG THING IN A RECENT
INTERVIEW FOR BUSTLE,
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST DR. KLAPO
SAID OFTEN WHEN
SOMETHING YOU'VE SAID IS TAKEN
THE WRONG WAY, IT'S
WORTHYING ABOUT THE WHY.
HERE ARE SOME PHRASES THAT
PROBABLY SHOULD BE
AVOIDED.
AVOIDED.
AVOIDED. NUMBER ONE, "I'M GOING TO BE
BRUTALLY HONEST."
BRUTALLY HONEST." IF YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING COULD
BE HURTFUL, IT'S
ALWAYS PROPERTY TO ASK
PERMISSION, BECAUSE THEY MAY
NOT BE READY FOR IT.
SO HE SAYS TRY REPHRASING OUT
IN A QUESTION.
SOMETHING LIKE, "CAN I BE
HONEST WITH YOU" RATHER
THAN, "I'M GOING TO BE BRUTTY
LOANEST."
LOANEST."
LOANEST." . FIRST OF ALL, BRUTAL IS
ALWAYS --
ALWAYS --
ALWAYS -- >> THAT JUST SOUND LUKE IT'S
ABOUT TO BE A
PUNISHMENT ON THE OTHER SIDE.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> IF YOU SAY, "I'M GOING TO BE
BRUTALLY HONEST," IT
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY
SOMETHING RUDE.
SOMETHING RUDE. WE SHOULD BE MINDFUL.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE THEIR OUR
FRIENDS OR LOVED
ONES, WE WANT TO SHOW WE LOVE
OR CARE ABOUT THEM.
WE DON'T WANT TO COME OUT THE
GATE AND SAY HURTFUL
THINGS, BECAUSE THAT'S A SET UP
FOR DISASTER.
FOR DISASTER. >> ALSO KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.
IF IT'S SOMEBODY THAT'S GOING
TO PUT UP THEIR
DEFENSES ISSUES YOU'RE IN THE
GOING TO GET ANY WAY.
>> I THINK A "CAN AND A" MAY"
IS MORE WELCOME?
>> I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
IN SOME SITUATIONS, I DON'T
THINK EVEN SAYING THIS
-- AGAIN, IT'S KNOWING YOUR
AUDIENCE, BECAUSE
AUDIENCE, BECAUSE SOMEBODY, IF THEY DIDN'T ASK
FOR YOUR ADVICE, DON'T
GIVE IT.
GIVE IT.
GIVE IT. I THINK THIS IS TRICKY EVEN
WHEN YOU SAY IT IN A
SWEET WAY.
SWEET WAY. >> THAT'S TRUE.
SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE, "OH, ARE
YOU NOT HONEST ALL THE
TIME?"
TIME?"
TIME?" WE'RE ASKING NOW.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE OTHER
TIMES YOU'RE TALKING
TO ME?
TO ME?
TO ME? ARE YOU LYING?
>> THIS ONE, I'VE DONE IT
BEFORE.
BEFORE.
BEFORE. ''I'M SORRY, BUT."
BY IMMEDIATELY QUALIFYING YOUR
APOLOGY, YOU DIMINISH
THE SINCERITY BEHIND IT.
>> YOU LOOK NICE, BUT --
>> I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY
THE IT'S LIKE BLAMING
THE OTHER PERSON FOR WHAT THEY
--
--
-- >>
-- >> THE
-- >> THE WAY THEY'RE FEELING.
THERE'S ONE SIMILAR TO THAT,
TOO, KARA GOING DOWN
THE LIST.
THE LIST.
THE LIST. THE "I'M SORRY, BUT" -- EITHER
YOU'RE SORRY.
YOU'RE SORRY. DON'T TRY AND QUALIFY IT.
>> EXACTLY.
>> EXACTLY. >> ANYTHING.
>> ANYTHING. YOU'RE SORRY IN EXPLAINING WHY
YOU'RE SORRY, WHY YOU
DIDN'T ACT THE RIGHT WAY OR
YOU, YOU KNOW, HURT
THEIR FEELINGS.
THEIR FEELINGS. >> I'M LONGER TO TAKE THAT WORD
OUT OF MY VOCABULARY
A LITTLE BIT.
FOR THE MOST PART WHEN IT COMES
TO A SERIOUS TOPIC.
JUST TAKE "BUT" OUT OF IT.
IF YOU'RE RIGHT TO IT ISSUES
IT'S MORE SINCERE.
YOU'RE NOT CARRYING ON THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
>> I'M WITH YOU ON THAT.
>> WHAT IF YOU SAY, "I'M SORRY,
BUT" THEN KIND OF
BLAME YOURSELF.
BLAME YOURSELF. ''I'M SORRY, BUT I WAS HAVING
THE WORST DAY."
>> I THINK THAT'S A LITTLE
DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT. NOW YOU'RE COULDN'T OF ALONG UP
TO WHATEVER HAPPENED
OR WHY IT HAPPENED THE
CIRCUMSTANCES AROUND IT.
I THINK THAT'S DIFFERENT
>> TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.
>> EXACTLY.
>> EXACTLY. >> YOU REALLY ARE EXPLAINING
WHY IT HAPPENED.
>> I HAVE TO DO THIS.
>> SORRY, BUT I WAS JUST NOT IN
A GOOD PLACE.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. >> LOVE ME ANYWAY.
>>> OKAY.
>>> OKAY.
>>> OKAY. THIS ONE, THERE'S NO REASON FOR
YOU TO BE UPSET.
SO THE DOCTOR SAYS YOU SHOULD
AVOID STRAIGHT THEIR
FEELINGS FOR THEM.
INSTEAD, ASK THEM WHAT THEY'RE
FEELING.
FEELING.
FEELING. DON'T TELL THEM WHAT THEY'RE
FEELING OR HOW THEY
SHOULD BE FEELING.
>> YOU SHOULDN'T SAY, "THERE'S
NO REASON YOU SHOULD
BE THINKING THAT WAY."
YOU'RE NOT EVEN HEARING OUT
WHY.
WHY.
WHY. YOU'RE GOING INTO STRAIGHT YOU
THINK I SHOULDN'T
THINK THAT WAY.
>> THERAPY IS REAL FOR ME,
BECAUSE I DO THAT ON A
REGULAR BASIS, AND MY FEELINGS
ARE REAL.
ARE REAL.
ARE REAL. MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, FOR ME
TO EXPRESS THEM.
SO WHEN YOU TELL ME YOU
SHOULDN'T, HOLD UP.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BACK IT UP.
I HAVE A REASON OF WHY I'M
FEELING THIS WAY OR WHAT
HAS HAPPENED TO ME, AND I
SHOULD HONOR THAT IN THIS
MOMENT.
MOMENT.
MOMENT. >> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> I DO TELL MY KIDS THAT A
LOT.
LOT.
LOT. THERE'S NO REASON TO BE UPSET.
>> LOOK AROUND AT YOUR LIFE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU MAD ABOUT?
>> THIS COULD HELP YOU GROW.
>> I WILL SAY, CHERRY FLAKE,
WHO COMES ON THIS REAL
TALK, WHO I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE
SEEN A FEW TIMES,
SHE'S A VERY GOOD THERAPIST.
SHE HAS SUCH GREAT STRATEGIES,
AND I CAN GET
DEFENSIVES IF SOMEBODY IS
SAYING -- IF JIM SAYS, "IT
REALLY BUGGED ME WHEN YOUR
BROTHER DID THIS WHEN WE
WERE ALL TOGETHER."
IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE IT'S WHO I
AM, I WOULD DEFEND
YOU.
YOU.
YOU. CHERI IS LIKE, "NO, NO.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY TELLING HIM
HE SHOULDN'T BE
UPSET.
UPSET.
UPSET. YOU HAVE TO AFFIRM HIS FEELINGS
AND SAY, "I'M SO
SORRY HE DID THAT," EVERYONE IF
YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU'RE
WAY OVERREACTING."
WAY OVERREACTING." DON'T YOU SAY THAT.
HE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU
UNDERSTAND.
UNDERSTAND. >> MY SISTER AND I, WE USED TO
BUTT HEADS SO BAD.
WE WOULD ARGUE ABOUT THINGS,
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER'S
PERSPECTIVES ON IT.
I WOULD TELL HER LIKE, "WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU?
ARE YOU CRAZY?"
BUT IT TOOK ME TIME TO FINALLY
SEE,, OUR
SEE,, OUR
SEE,, OUR PERSONALITIES ARE DIFFERENT.
WHAT MAY UPSET HER OR WHAT SHE
MAY SEE AS WRONG, I
MAY NOT THINK IT IS.
SO LET ME JUST CHILL AND HEAR
HER OUT AND GET PAST
IT, AND WE'VE GOTTEN WAY
BETTER.
BETTER.
BETTER. >> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> GOOD FOR YOU.
>> BUT IT TOOK TIMEth THE
THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING
ABOUT GROWTH, RIGHT?
THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING OF
GROWTH AND
GROWTH AND UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF, AND
ALLOWING YOURSELF THE
OPPORTUNITY TO GROW, BECAUSE
SOME OF US GET STUCK,
CHILD.
CHILD.
CHILD. AND WE WANT TO LET SOME STUFF
GO.
GO.
GO. >>
GO. >> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. IT HAPPENS.
IT HAPPENS. I LOVE THAT.
THAT'S INSPIRING TO ME, BECAUSE
AGAIN, YOU'VE GOT TO
TAKE A STEP BACK FROM THE WAY
YOU ALWAYS DO THINGS,
AND TRY TO SEE IT FROM THEIR
PERSPECTIVE.
PERSPECTIVE. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> ALL RIGHT.
THE NEXT ONE, NEBRASKA LIKES
THIS, "YOU NEED TO CALM
DOWN."
DOWN."
DOWN." >>
DOWN." >> YOU SEE?
>> BITING WORDS.
THE DOCTOR SAID THESE ARE
FIGHTING WORDS.
FIGHTING WORDS. >> WHEN WE WOULD BE BICKERING
AT EACH OTHER, IF I
SAID THAT TO HER, IT WOULD TAKE
IT TO THE NEXT
LEVEL.
LEVEL.
LEVEL. THIS WAS THE WORST THING TO
SAY.
SAY.
SAY. >>
SAY. >> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. YOU CAN'T --
>> I DON'T KNOW, CHILD.
AND I'M BLACK, SO I DON'T KNOW.
YOU NEED TO CHILL.
>> BUT HOW DOES THAT GO OVER?
>> IT'S PROBABLY SOME FIGHTING
WORDS.
WORDS.
WORDS. >>
WORDS. >> YEAH, RIGHT.
>> I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE IT AS
BEING FIGHTING WORDS
WHEN I WAS SAYING IT.
YEAH, I THINK SOMETIMES WE DO
GETNY IN THESE
CONVERSATIONS, AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"HOLD UP.
"HOLD UP.
"HOLD UP. YOU NEED TO CHILL A BIT.
IT'S NOT THAT DEEP.
CALM DOWN."
CALM DOWN." >> CAN WE GO TO THE FIRST
THING?
THING?
THING? "CAN YOU CALM DOWN?"
>> "MAY YOU CALM DOWN?"
>> THAT SEEMS SO MATURE.
>> I'M NOT THERE YET.
>> I COULDN'T OF WANTED TO PUT
MY HEAD ON YOUR
SHOULDER.
SHOULDER.
SHOULDER. THAT WAS SO LOVING.
>> YOU GUYS KNOW, I'M VERY
SENSITIVE, AND VERY --
I'M FRAGILE.
I'M FRAGILE. >> OH, WOW
>> IF YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE
HEATED, I MIGHT HAVE
TO SAY, "CAN YOU CALM DOWN,
PLEASE?"
PLEASE?"
PLEASE?" >> "CAN YOU CALM DOWN."
>> I THINK IT'S IN GENERAL
PEOPLE TELL YOU WHAT TO
DO.
DO.
DO. YOU
DO. YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
>> EXACTLY.
>> EXACTLY. >> I HAVE BEEN TOLD, "MAYBE YOU
SHOULDN'T DRINK SO
MUCH."
MUCH."
MUCH." I'M LIKE, WHO TELLS ME WHAT TO
DO.
DO.
DO. >>
DO. >> I'M JUST HAVING A SIP OF
WINE.
WINE.
WINE. WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> WHAT DOWN?
>>> WE'VE GOT THREE MORE.
I WANT TO GET THEM THROUGH REAL
QUICK.
QUICK.
QUICK. ''WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER
DOOR OPENS."
DOOR OPENS." THIS LIFE COACH, ALYSSA ROBIN
TELLS BUSTLE THAT
WHILE IT ISN'T A BAD THING TO
SAY, WELL THE DOWN THE
ROAD PROGRAMS, NOT WHILE THEY
ARE IN THE MOMENT OF
SOMETHING NOT THAT GREAT DEAL
HAPPENING TO THEM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
"WHEN ONE DOOR OPENS -- CLOSES"
--
--
-- >>
-- >> YOUR AUDIENCE.
WHEN MY MOTHER HAD CANCER, SHE
WOULD HATE IT WHEN
PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "GOD WILL
ONLY GIVE YOU AS MUCH AS
YOU CAN HANDLE."
THAT WOULD IRK HER, BECAUSE
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER
PEOPLE THAT LOST THEIR LIFE.
DID GOD NOT LOVE THEM?
I THINK IT'S LIKE PEOPLE TAKE
THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
THINGS DIFFERENTLY. AND IF TO KIND OF INTERPRET THE
SITUATION, AND THEN,
LIKE, TREAD LIGHTLY.
IF SOMEBODY REALLY LOVES TO BE
MOTIVATED THAT WAY,
THEN MAYBE THIS WILL BE OKAY.
>> OR IT CAN COOL OUT VERY
DISINGENUOUS.
DISINGENUOUS. ''I'VE GOT TO RUN, BUT CALL ME
WHEN YOU GET THAT
OTHER JOB."
OTHER JOB." >> "KEEP ME POSTED."
.
.
. >>>
. >>> WAITING ON THIS.
''I AM WHO I AM."
I JUST AM WHO I AM.
>> I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE SAY
THAT, BECAUSE IT
JUST SAYS, "THIS IS THE EXCUSE
FOR WHY I CAN HAVE
BAD BEHAVIOR."
BAD BEHAVIOR." . THIS IS THE, USE FOR HOW I
SHOW UP POORLY IN ROOMS
OR IN CONVERSATIONS.
IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.
IT'S UNACCEPTABLE. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE ON
THIS PATH OF THAT
SOME STUFF IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
AND YOU HAVE TO OWN IT.
I'M SAYING THIS IS JUST THE WAY
I AM.
I AM.
I AM. YOU
I AM. YOU HAVE TO MAKE SOME NECESSARY
CHANGES.
CHANGES.
CHANGES. >> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> I THINK IT DEPENDS WHEN YOU
SAY IT, TOO, THOUGH.
IF YOU'RE SAYING IT IN A
SITUATION WHERE AGAIN, IT'S
LIKE, "YOU KNOW ME, AND THIS IS
WHO I AM.
WHO I AM.
WHO I AM. I'M VERY SENSITIVE.
I AM THAT WAY.
I DON'T KNOW IN THE IT WILL
EVER CHANGE."
EVER CHANGE." EMOTIONAL.
EMOTIONAL. I THINK IF YOU'RE SAYING,
"LIKE, NO.
"LIKE, NO. I CUSS, AND THAT'S WHO I AM."
>> THAT'S WHO I AM.
>> WHEN YOU LOVE PEOPLE AND YOU
WANT TO SHOW UP AS A
BETTER PERSON IN RELATIONSHIP,
IT FORCES YOU TO
CHANGE.
CHANGE.
CHANGE. IT FORCES YOU TO STEP UP.
>> YOU WANT TO BE BETTER.
>> WE ALL DO.
WE ALL DO.
>>> WEIGH IN ON OUR FACEBOOK
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