Hi everyone so last year
I released a book called The Authenticity
Principle where I explore the experiences of how it is that we can live more of our lives as who we really are and
since releasing the book I've had a number of South Asian women Indian women and actually women from other cultures as well
reach out to me to ask me about how they can live more as their authentic selves
especially in the context of having to face
ridiculously high
expectations from their parents and so today I want to talk about how we as Indian daughters
need to stop living for our parents and need to start living for ourselves
this is a really tough
topic to even talk about in our culture because
Indian culture South Asian culture
we care so
desperately
about what other people think about us
and in fact when I say we our parents in particular we come from what's called a group focused culture
where there is a high commitment to saving face and I can't even
tell you how many times growing up my parents would say something to the effect of
what will society think if I had a dollar for every time they said that I'd be rich right now and
in the context of living in this saving face
highly group focused culture
it's been really hard for us to talk openly about the lived
experience of what it's actually like to be a woman to be a daughter to experience
oppressive parenting or to experience
violence abuse mental health issues addiction and more within our society
we don't talk about the truth and the realities we talk a lot about the good stuff and we should we should celebrate our culture
but we should also be able to talk about the challenges and we don't
so I'd like to be able to do a little bit of that today
but I should also note for me on a personal level and I think this is true for a lot of us
one of the other reasons we don't actually speak truth to power
in terms of how it can be really hard to be an Indian daughter at times is because
frankly of the biases that come our way from dominant society
about our culture in other words because of forms of power privilege and supremacy in society that we are already
marginalized by it's really hard for us to say yeah do you know what as a woman in Indian culture
it can be really hard because at times it is oppressive because if we say this it feeds into existing biases that
frankly, we are an oppressed marginalized
group of women in a highly misogynist community
basically it affirms
aspects of white supremacy and
so for that reason I haven't up until now really been comfortable speaking about this because I've worried that if I talk about
and validate yes, there are aspects of our culture that are actually quite oppressive
well, it feeds into the biases and the racism and the oppression of the white supremacy the experience
but I am going to put all that aside today and have the courage to speak boldly on this even though it's going to be
really uncomfortable for me to do it and I'm sure for Indian parents who watch this video
they're gonna be like WTF. Did she really just go there? Imma do it
here's my main message when we oh and let me take a step back quickly
sometimes people
say well isn't this the same isn't this true for Indian men as well? Yes it is
what I'm about to say does apply to Indian men
but it is so much more pronounced for women because of the misogyny sexism that we experience in society and in
Indian culture on a whole
so my main message today is this
that when we as Indian daughters
give our time and energy
to meeting the expectations that are ridiculously high of what our parents have for us as it relates to
the kind of work we do who we be friends with how we speak what we wear
Who we love who we marry when we get married who we can befriend
where we should live how we should parent and more when we put our time and energy towards that and
In order to meet our parents'
high expectations of us
Expectations that actually don't connect and accord with how we really want to live our lives we take away
Time and energy from doing our own self work
From cultivating self-love and from living as our authentic selves and in doing so we prevent ourselves
from
embracing who we are but more importantly because we're not cultivating self-love and because we're not
able to heal our woundedness and our insecurities and whatever else we have happening
It prevents us from being our best and by not being our best
we don't attract the best love into our lives and
In fact try this on for size and I talk about this in my book as well
when we
Conform to what it is our parents want us to do and how we should live and more
When we accede to our parents' expectations of us when they conflict with what it is that we really want
Our parents get to decide our happiness
We give them power to decide our happiness and in doing so we give away our power
Now I know why we do this because our parents have been really good to us
My parents deeply love me and did their best in how it is that they raised me
But the problem here is this we have to live for ourselves
and in fact
One of the biggest challenges that we have in as Indian daughters in 2018 living our lives
Is that in our parents' parenting of us
we
experienced
conditional forms of love which is to say that when we
Did what our parents wanted us to do or more importantly in this moment when we continued to do what our parents?
expect of us
we get love back and we're celebrated and
We receive their acceptance
but when we don't listen to them and don't do what they want us to do we get reprimanded and love gets taken away and
It's an experience of conditional love
the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child is
unconditional love
the
Ability for us to do what we want to live out our truth to be authentic and still receive their love
That's the greatest gift
That a parent can give a child but a lot of us because of Indian culture because of the way our parents
Parented we didn't get that and we now have a lot of woundedness and hurt and pain about who we are
So after today what I want for you as an Indian daughter
or if as an Indian son or whoever you are who's watching I'd
really like you to take a step back and think about how
It is that you can reclaim your power
If you feel the pressure to constantly conform to your parents' high expectations of you
That don't accord with how you actually want to live
The greatest gift you can give yourself as an adult now is your own
unconditional love which means
Accepting who you are living out who you are as much as possible and I share this message with you as someone who's now
You'll have heard me say in other videos I'm now 42 years old
I have really struggled through my life with what to do about my parents' expectations of me and
Finally in my own journey with authenticity over the last 10 years have drawn
Boundaries and have learned to say no I'm not gonna do that
I'm gonna live the way I want to live and I know it's really hard for my parents
But I have to do it for me so that I could live better and be happier
and I finally am and so my question for you is this
If what if my message is resonating with you how do you want to be living? Where do you want to live?
Who do you want to be friends with? How do you want to dress? How do you want to speak?
Who do you want to love? Who do you want to be with for your life?
Figure out
the answers to these questions and then work really hard to cultivate your authenticity and bringing this to be
Even though it will be upsetting for your parents
It'll mean that you get to take back your power and you get to decide what happens to you and your life's happiness
and those are my words for you today as
Always thank you so much for tuning in. Leave a comment below or if you're watching on YouTube
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Thanks so much
You