- YOU HAVE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS
GOING ON RIGHT NOW IN YOUR LIFE,
AND YOU HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
- I DO. I DO.
I'M HAVING A BABY.
[cheers and applause] WAIT.
I WANT TO FINISH.
WITH ELLEN.
[laughter]
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- NO, I DECIDED TO HAVE THE FIRST ONE WITH MY WIFE.
WE GOT MARRIED IN JULY, AND--
YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING.
IT'S DISGUSTING, THE WAY BABIES ARE MADE.
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, LET'S TAKE THAT IN,
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SERIOUS OR NOT.
YOU AND MOLLY ARE HAVING A BABY, AND THAT'S VERY EXCITING.
- UNLESS SHE'S KIDDING, YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
- GOOD FOR YOU.
UM, AND WHY IS IT DISGUSTING?
- WELL, THERE'S SO MANY HUMAN BODY PARTS INVOLVED.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE EGGS IN US?
- MM-HMM.
- THAT'S GROSS, JUST TO START WITH.
- ARE YOU GETTING INVOLVED?
AND DO YOU-- FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU--
- [laughs] INVOLVED?
WELL, I HAVE TWO KIDS ALREADY. - I KNOW.
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE, BUT I HEAR THEY'RE DOING GREAT.
I HAVE TWO--I HAVE A 20-YEAR-OLD SON
AND A 22-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER,
AND I'VE REALLY FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY,
BECAUSE I WAS WITH SOME FRIENDS WHO JUST HAD A BABY.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH."
AND THERE ARE NEW WAYS TO DO THINGS.
YOU HOLD THEM BY THE FRONT OF THE NECK NOW.
- NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- YEAH. - NO.
- I'M TELLING YOU--
- IS IT EMILY AND JOHN THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG.
- [laughs]
JOHN HOLDS THE BABY BY THE FRONT OF THE FACE, LIKE THIS,
AND THEY SAY THIS IS A GOOD THING.
AND THEN HE TRIED IT ON ME, AND IT FELT GOOD.
- WELL... [laughs]
- AND SO I TOLD--YOU KNOW, I TOLD MY DAUGHTER,
"LISTEN, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE,
"AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPLIT IT UP WITH THE NEW KID.
THERE'S A FINITE AMOUNT OF LOVE, AND THAT'S THAT."
SO THEY'RE DEALING WITH IT.
BUT IT IS VERY WEIRD, YOU KNOW, AT MY AGE, TO--
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE OLD DADS.
- WELL, YOU'RE NOT AS OLD AS SOME DADS RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE NOT THAT OLD.
- I KNOW, BUT I'M GETTING OLDER EVERY SINGLE DAY.
- THAT IS TRUE. - YEAH.
- THAT IS TRUE. AND DO YOU KNOW IF IT'S A BOY OR A GIRL?
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
- UM, NO, WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND OUT.
- OKAY. [laughter]
- EVEN AFTER THE-- NO, WE'RE GONNA--
WELL, I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE A SURPRISE.
AND MY WIFE, MOLLY, WAS HAPPY WITH THAT IDEA
UNTIL ABOUT A WEEK AGO,
AND SHE STARTED SAYING, "WE REALLY NEED TO FIND OUT."
BUT I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS.
I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE THE BABY'S ROOM
BLUE OR PINK.
I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF-- IT'S INHERENTLY RIDICULOUS.
I DON'T THINK THEY CAN EVEN SEE COLORS, RIGHT?
I MEAN--OR IS THAT DOGS I'M THINKING OF?
- YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF DOGS.
AND WHAT ABOUT N-- WELL, THE ONLY REASON TO KNOW
IS PROBABLY TO NAME THE CHILD
AND TO HAVE A NAME AHEAD OF TIME.
- WELL, I LIKE THE NAME "KARATE."
[laughter]
I THINK "KARATE KIMMEL" HAS A GREAT RING TO IT.
- IT DOES.
- AND I LIKE TO--YOU KNOW, THE KARDASHIANS
TWO THE TWO "K"s THING, YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE.
BUT DEPENDING UPON THE SEX OF THE BABY,
EITHER "KARATE" OR "THE RIDDLER"
ARE THE NAMES THAT WE'RE THINKING OF RIGHT NOW.
- EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
- AND THE MIDDLE NAME IS THE ONE THAT I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, I SUGGEST RIDICULOUS THINGS TO MY WIFE,
AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, SHE SEEMS LIKE
SHE MIGHT POSSIBLY ACCEPT IT.
BUT I'M THINKING OF--
AND I'D LIKE TO KNOW PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS ON THIS.
FOR REAL, I WOULD LIKE THE BABY'S MIDDLE NAME
TO BE "EFFIN."
NOW, IMAGINE IF YOUR MIDDLE NAME...
[laughter]
THINK OF IT THIS WAY--
[cheers and applause]
AND NOT THE CURSE VERSION OF IT.
LIKE, E-F-F-I-N.
LIKE, ELLEN EFFIN DEGENERES.
I MEAN, WHAT A GREAT NAME, ELLEN.
RIGHT?
- THAT IS REALLY GOOD.
- THINK OF EVERY FRIEND YOU HAVE,
AND PUT THAT IN THE MIDDLE.
LIKE, ANDY EFFIN LASSITER.
IT'S AWESOME.
IT IMMEDIATELY GIVES YOU SELF-ESTEEM.
- OH.
YES, IT DOES.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? GOOD IDEA?
- I DO LIKE IT. I THINK--
WELL, I-- DOES MOLLY LIKE IT?
- SHE'S-- YOU KNOW, SHE LIKES IT NOW,
BUT AS USUALLY COOLER HEADS PREVAIL,
I'M TRYING TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU'VE GOT SOME TIME.