I've got experience with this topic from a number of different angles.
How do iIeep from going crazy living with my in-laws?
Let's hit four practical steps today and the last one is really powerful. The first step
I want to share with you has to do with choice and this can change the game, you have to see it
as a choice. If you want to feel differently about it. If you really want to stay away from going
crazy or for feeling crazy, see it as a choice. Now most people who are living with the in-laws
or your parents as the case maybe it's because of life circumstances, they have as such that.
Well, that's the best option for you right now. I've had people tell me before well
it's not really a choice, I can't live anywhere else. Yeah, you could, you could
live out under the viaduct down by the freeway. you could live in the city park.
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Those are not legitimate options, this is the only option I have.
Well, if you compare it to homelessness this is a better choice, isn't it? The key is not so much
talking yourself out of the discomfort or the challenges that you're having in that setting.
It's acknowledging that you are there by choice and this changes the game for you psychologically.
You choose to be here. What this does for you is it gets you out of the trapped feeling.
Because if you're there by choice then you don't have to be there. This doesn't just
apply to your living circumstances. Students for example say, "I have to go to school", do you
what if you don't? Oh well, then all these other negative things would happen in my life.
Okay, so you're choosing that over the negative consequences, it's the same concept. Get clear about
your choice, that's the starting place. Your second strategy has to do with communication. Keep those
lines of communication open. This is important in any relationship. If you're living with family
it's especially important because of some of the other dynamics that come in when we're sharing
space. These are people that you hopefully want to preserve a relationship with beyond the temporary
situation of your living in their home. Clear open communication is one of the best ways to sustain
those relationships and let's get past the tri fluffy, superficial, inauthentic kinds
of communication that happen. Best example I can think of when we do a greeting, "Hey, how are you?",
"Oh fine", okay now, that is so superficial it doesn't even really give in for any information. I use
that as an example because sometimes it's tempting to stay on the surface and to be superficial and
phony about it. I think authenticity is going to go a long way toward helping you to resolve some
of the conflicts that could possibly come up. When we say how are you it's not even communication so
much as a greeting, right? We don't mean, "Hey, tell me how you are?", we mean, "Hi", and saying, "Oh, I'm fine",
is not even a response it's simply saying, "Hi back." We've gotten into these patterns of communication
through repeated practice and it doesn't serve us well in this situation. So, let's practice being
authentic and genuine speaking truth and doing it in a diplomatic way. There's other strategies
obviously to communication but that is going to make a big difference for you. Keep those lines of
communication open. I told you earlier that I know this from different perspectives. I am the in-law,
I am the one. My son and his wife are living in my basement right now. He's going to fly to school
it saves them some money that he can apply toward his schooling and as they raise their new little
baby. So they're living in my home right now. I know that communication is important because
if they are having an issue about something that we're doing that imposes on their space or their
freedom or their privacy, we need to know that. Because we don't want to do that we don't want
to put them in an uncomfortable position now if they pretend that everything's okay
and peachy and how you doing, fine. Then we never get to the issues that are happening.
We've been able to come up through the communication. We've been able to come up with
different ways of respecting each other space for example. We have a common entrance to our
part of the house and they're part of the house and so we cross paths quite often and it would
be really easy to just kind of sprawl out into each other's space. Well, we had some communication
about that as they said, "Hey, we kind of need to have our privacy. We need to have our little home
within your home", and of course we understand that and we're going to respect it. But the point is
it has to be communicated. Don't assume that people are going to automatically know what it is that
you need. I've got two more thoughts for you but before we get there you've probably thought of
someone else who would really benefit from this. Would you please share the video and while you're
here click on that subscribe button. Here's another concept that I think is really helpful.
There's no such thing as free lunch and there is no such thing as free rent alright. I told you
about my son and his wife that are living in our basement. We're not charging them dollars for rent.
We don't expect any money or currency to come from them because we're trying to support them
financially right now while they get through school. But they are paying rent nonetheless.
Let's talk about rent for a moment as you understand that there's no such thing as
free rent. You get to pay for your space. Now how do you pay for it if there's not
an actual contract in an agreement where you pay a certain number of dollars every month.
Well you're paying for it through expectations and culture and tradition and the different elements
of value that create value for your landlord. In this case I'm the landlord, what do I value? Well, I
value that my kids are able to get through their schooling without too many burdens. So they're
kind of paying the rent by paying attention to and moving forward with their schooling.
If that makes sense you can you can see that it's not necessarily money that's being requested.
But there will be expectations too. I remember working with Bill and Diane their adult
daughter was still living in their home at the time and her husband was going through some
schooling program. It was very similar to what we're going through. Well, what Bill and Diane
really valued was being able to have a dinner with their daughter and her husband every Sunday.
Well, the daughter and her husband weren't necessarily interested in doing that every week
but that's part of their rent. If you get good at the communication part you can actually have these
conversations to get clear about, hey what do you really value and how can we provide that to you
as rent. But if you don't have the communication in place pay attention to what it is that they want
or what they really value as you provide that to them. That's the way you're paying the rent. Let me
tell you real quick about Josh to Josh and his wife were in a transition, they were living with
her parents. Josh was expressing some frustration in a coaching session that I had with him
about some of the quirky expectations that were going on in the home. He didn't like living there.
He didn't see it as a choice. I took him through some of these strategies that I'm sharing with
you and that was helping to change his mind about it but I asked him a question. I said, "Josh, what if
I could find you a place where you could work in a part-time job for only three hours a week
and it would pay all of your housing expenses. Would you be interested in that job?".
He's like, "Well yeah, where can I... there's no jobs like that. How can I get a job like that?", I said,
"You've got it already but you're not doing the work. What if you were to put in three hours a week
serving and doing the things that your in-laws would really appreciate or like you to do",
and he started realizing, "Oh yeah, you know my father-in-law takes care of the lawn every week
but I could do that, I could totally do that." See, now he's on track for paying the rent a little
better and it helps the relationships but it also helps you if you're in that position. It helps
you to feel like you're actually doing what's required to sustain your own family and that
has some psychological impacts as well. Here's the last strategy that was taught to me by my daughter
actually back when she was in junior high and she was running a little late in the morning and she
didn't quite catch her bus to the junior high and it's just a couple of miles to the junior high. So
I knew that she'd need a ride to get there on time and I had some time available so I was willing to
offer that and I said, "Hey sweetie, I'll take you to school this morning", and she said, "Oh okay, thanks
dad", and then she went and hurried and got ready and then we got in the car. As I'm driving her to
the junior high. She apologized two or three times before we got clear down to the end of the block
and how am I feeling as a father? I'm feeling this isn't fun listening to my daughter. She's
like, "Oh, I should have got up earlier and I'm so sorry and I need to do better",
okay this isn't fun energy for me when it's apologetic and so I made a suggestion that
she picked up on immediately. I said, "Sweetie, gratitude", she's like, "okay", she gathered herself
a little bit and she said, "Dad, thank you so much for taking me to school this morning."
So much better that's almost like a paycheck. As a dad I'm like, wow thank you for being appreciative
of my efforts and my desire to serve. You know, that's the paycheck. So here's the strategy
that I learned from my junior high daughter. Gratitude not guilt, gratitude not entitlement,
gratitude not apologies, gratitude not "Oh, we don't want to intrude on your space",
alright practice the gratitude. It's the most powerful paycheck that you can give that becomes
part of your rent actually, gratitude. Hey, if you found this helpful and you're really looking for
some other ideas about self-care especially if you are a parent or a young parent. Click on this
next video to get some tips about how to care for yourself as a parent. I think you're gonna like it.