- Anyway, new poem. This is new and it's disgusting.
Are you ready? All right.
Great!
(crowd laughing)
- (woman in crowd) That's my favorite!
Dear creationists,
while I would like to believe that humans
are the pinnacle of God's creation,
I can, in good conscience, not.
For instance, may I present to you the blue whale?
The blue whale's penis is over eight feet long.
Its testicles lay a hundred pounds.
It ejaculates 35 pints of semen at a time.
Imagine. 35 beers.
Now, instead of a delicious refreshing beverage,
imagine that those beers are whale jizz.
Today, in the presentation of my paper,
why human sex is totally stupid, buckets.
I will attempt to expose, haha, human beings
for what they truly are: lame as fuck.
(crowd laughing)
My first question, creationists,
If we are supposed to be so special, why is our sex so lame?
Boring, boring. I meant boring.
Anyway, pig orgasms lasts for 30 minutes.
When I orgasm, it only lasts for five minutes
if I am on drugs and also lying.
(crowd laughing)
I am curious as to how pigs act after they orgasm.
Do they also snore?
Do they also lie to their pig partners in pig language
about how they will pig love them? Pig forever?
Barnacle penises are 50 times as long as their bodies.
And, since barnacles are stationary, mating season is just
a symphony of humongous dongs slapping around the colony
until they find a mate.
And, since barnacles are hermaphrodites, if they don't
find a mate, they will literally fuck selves.
I realize that I have until this point only made dick jokes.
Allow me to rectify that.
(crowd laughing)
- Oh, wait, that's really difficult because science,
like fucking everything else,
is generally dominated by dudes.
And therefore there is much more
penis than vagina-based research.
As such, allow me to present to you,
my dear creationists, animal facts against the patriarchy.
One, you may know that female preying mantises
decapitate and eat their mates
immediately after sexing them.
But you probably don't know that because of this,
among praying mantises,
there's no such thing as war or poverty
or discrimination or hatred or loneliness.
(crowd laughing and cheering)
- Or loneliness, or reruns or really mean ex-girlfriend,
Becky.
And you might think, and you might think that that's just
because they're bugs and you're right, but you're wrong.
Two,
male seahorses horses carry the babies and care for them
once they're born.
We can see here that male sea horses, like male humans,
generally have the final say
in what happens to the unborn fetuses.
(crowd boos)
- Oh, bad joke. I have to cut that. All right. Three.
Thanks for the feedback. Three. Ostriches.
Ostriches are the only birds that have clitorises,
which doesn't make sense because birds don't have fingers.
Speaking of clitorises,
four, female hyenas develop clitori, not a word,
that are larger than the males' penises.
To mate, they put the dick in the lady dick.
If you've never heard of sounding,
that's basically what it is.
I've saved you a horrible discovery on the internet.
You're welcome. In conclusion, dear creationists,
it's not just that you're wrong about humans
being the pinnacle of everything,
it's that you being wrong is making the children dumber,
which brings me to my next point.
Creationists, you are dumber than a bag full of bags
full of hammers.
The next and final point.
Creationists, I've clearly just been using you
because I needed an easy structure for this poem.
But, regardless, if we are supposed to be created
in God's image,
why does us fucking look and sound
like two hams slapping together in a hurricane?
(crowd laughing)
Seriously, though, creationists,
if God loves America so much, I don't know what you believe,
but I assume that's it,
(crowd laughing)
why are our genitals not all rocket ships?
(crowd laughing)
- Fucking think about it.
We could all be boning in space.
It's the American way.
(crowd laughing)
- Thanks, have a nice night.
(crowd cheering and clapping)