-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know about you guys,
but I am stuffed with wings and nachos
from my impeachment trial party, and --
[ Laughter, applause ]
Yeah, of course, the big story today
is that Trump's second impeachment trial
has finally begun.
That's right, two impeachments are historic,
but just like Tom Brady, Trump won't rest
until he gets to seven.
[ Laughter ]
That's right.
Seriously, I can't believe we're talking about Trump again.
Even herpes knows when to take a break once in a while.
I mean, just --
But tonight, everybody's talking about
one of Trump's lawyers, Bruce Castor.
He kicked off Trump's defense
and never really got to the point.
But this is real.
Check this guy out.
-My name is Bruce Castor.
When I was growing up in suburban Philadelphia...
Here's little Bruce -- 8, 9, 10 years old --
listening to this back in the late '60s.
We still know what records are, right?
On the thing you put the needle down on, and you play it.
You ever heard Everett Dirksen's voice,
it's the most commanding, gravelly voice.
"Gallant Men" is the name of the --
of the, uh...
of the album.
-[ Groans ] -[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Even Joe Biden was like, "Come on, man.
Wrap it up."
If the Senate had an orchestra pit,
they'd be playing him off like...
♪ Neh-deh-la-dah-dee-dee-dee ♪
"Get on out of here."
Oh, gosh. Given who his boss is,
I'm pretty sure that that was
his opening and closing statement.
[ Imitates Trump ] "You're fired."
[ Normal voice ] Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani
was watching like, "Damn, this guy's good."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, he started talking this afternoon
and should be done around
the fourth hour of the "Today" show tomorrow.
Man, could that guy possibly waste any more of our time?
[ Bottle crinkles ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitates bottle crinkling ]
A little crinkle crunch.
He -- [ Laughs ]
He crunched it out a little bit.
Alex, can we play that one more time
just so I can hear that water bottle crinkle?
[ Bottle crinkles softly ]
[ Bottle crinkles loudly ]
[ Laughter ]
He's having fun, man.
Come on.
Well, guys, I think it's safe to say,
no one wants to relive the events
of last month's insurrection,
but it has led to some interesting flubs.
Here, I'll show you what I mean. Listen to this.
-Donald John Trump incited the erection --
insurrection.
-Does the President of the United States believe
that former president Trump incited an erect--
excuse me, incited an insurrection?
-Who has been impeached for inciting the erection.
-He did incite an erection on the Capitol.
-If I have to embrace someone who just incited an erectio--
an insurrection--
[ Laughing ] Oh, my.
-Hey. -Wow.
[ Chuckles ] -Wow.
[ Drumsticks tapping ]
-Well, President Biden and Vice President Harris
met with the CEOs of Lowe's, The Gap,
Walmart, and JPMorgan
to discuss the President's stimulus plan.
There was an awkward moment when the CEO of Walmart
walked up to Biden and said, "Hey, I know you.
You're one of our greeters."
[ Laughter ]
They would have invited the CEO of Old Navy,
but they were afraid it would lead to Biden
telling another long story.
[ Imitating Biden ] "The Old Navy used to be called The Boat Squad.
[ Laughter ]
It was led by Dicky Kimblewad.
[ Laughter ]
He had one arm and three nipples."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Well, last night, there was another episode
of "The Bachelor," and things got pretty intense.
And the emotions on that show
can be a little hard to handle sometimes,
so we thought we could help.
Here's a clip from the episode,
but re-voiced with the least emotional person we know --
Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Man: [ Whispers ]
-Weak bitches lie.
-You know what a weak bitch does?
They tear down other people to make themselves look better.
That's what you did.
Hold on.
I need to fluff my hair.
I forgot who I am for a second.
♪♪
I had a weak-bitch moment, but I'm back.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Wow.
[ Laughing ]
Oh, she came back. Oh, my gosh.
Hey, get this -- a pair of Nike sneakers
designed for former president Obama
are going on sale for $25,000.
Huh.
No offense, but those look like the perfect complement
to Obama's dad jeans.
I'm just saying.
If the Obama sneakers are too expensive,
for 50 bucks, you can buy a pair of SKECHERS Shape-Ups
designed for Joe Biden, so it's up to you.
I had no idea Nike did this for presidents.
Apparently, they made the same sneaker for Trump
but with a built-in ankle monitor.
It's pretty cool.
[ Audience groans ]
Interesting to see. It's just --
[ Applause ]
Well, this is going viral.
Down in Texas, a judge was holding a virtual hearing,
and one of the lawyers had some trouble
with a Zoom filter.
This is real.
Check this out.
-John, I believe you have a filter turned on
in the video settings.
-Yes, and I don't know how to remove it.
One of our assistants was just trying to...
I'm here live. I'm not a cat.
-[ Laughs ] Aw.
What?
[ Laughter ]
What?
I'm glad he cleared that up.
"I am not a cat, okay?"
The courtroom sketch artist was like,
"Ugh, didn't think I'd be drawing whiskers today,
but, hey, what can you do?"
Yeah, when he saw that, Trump was like...
[ Imitates Trump ] "I want that guy."
[ Normal voice ] It got weird when the filter disappeared
and the lawyer was licking himself.
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- a company has created
a new laptop prototype with seven screens.
Take a look at this thing.
I can't wait to be on a plane
when some guy in the middle seat opens that up.
[ Laughs ] "You mind if I use the armrests, dude?
[ Grunts ] Check all my screens there.
[ Laughter ]
Gotta make sure my Grindr's up.
The Twitter is on the --
Gotta make sure that..."
You're not that important, buddy.
It's all good.
And, finally, after dashing across the Australian freeway
and causing a multi-car pile-up,
a koala got comfortable in the car of its rescuer.
Look at this guy.
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
-Wow. -See?
When your country beats COVID, that is your top story.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what we got to look forward -- We got that.
We have a great show for you tonight, everybody.