WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE OUT THERE, ALL AROUND
AMERICA, AND ALL THE SHIPS AT THE WORLD, MR. AND MRS. SEA, TO
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN "THE LATE SHOW." COLBERT.
RIGHT NOW THE BIG STORY--
THE EXTRAORDINARY DAMAGE WREAKED ON FLORIDA BY HURRICANE IAN.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG ROAD BACK FOR THESE PEOPLE.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A WAY TO HELP, WE'VE GOT A LIST OF
CHARITIES PINNED TO OUR TWITTER ACCOUNT @COLBERTLATESHOW.
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY. WE HOPE THE STATE OF FLORIDA
GETS BACK TO NORMAL SOON, BECAUSE, IN FLORIDA, NORMAL IS
STILL VERY STRANGE, WHICH IS WHY WE ENJOY MAKING SO MANY
JOKES ABOUT THAT STATE. IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO GET THESE
SHELTER, WHATEVER THEY NEED TO PEOPLE FOOD, WATER, AND GET BACK
NOT ONLY BECAUSE IT'S THE ON THEIR FEET. RIGHT
THING TO DO, BUT BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS TEAM HAS A MOCKUP OF AN
ALLIGATOR DOING METH ON A JET SKI JUST BURNING A HOLE IN THEIR
POCKET.
FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO TO FLORIDA AND MET WITH LEARNED HOW
TO STAND FROM A MEN'S ROOM SIGN ( BOOING )
RON DeSANTIS. GOVERNOR DeSANTIS HAS BEEN
TOURING DAMAGED AREAS TO LET RESIDENTS KNOW THEY'RE NOT
AND THE ONE THING FEW WILL FORGOTTEN. EVER
FORGET IS THE WHITE KNEE-HIGH BOOTS HE WAS SPORTING.
THE LOOK IS LESS "GOVERNOR ON THE GO" AND MORE "GOVERNOR OF
THE GO-GOs." PRESIDENT BIDEN AND GOVERNOR
DeSANTIS PUT ASIDE THEIR POLITICS AND APPEARED TOGETHER
TO LET FLORIDIANS KNOW THAT HELP IS ON THE WAY.
AND THE GOVERNOR KICKED THINGS OFF BY MAKING THE EXTENT OF THE
DAMAGE VERY CLEAR: >> THESE STORMS COME.
THEY'RE ON THE HORIZON. YOU KIND OF PROJECT, "HEY, IT
COULD BE REALLY BAD." OFTENTIMES, IT DOESN'T
NECESSARILY GET TO THAT LEVEL. WELL, THIS WAS THE-- THIS WAS
THE FULL MONTY.
WHETHER A COMEDY ABOUT FULLY NUDE MALE STRIPPERS IS THE MOST
APPROPRIATE WAY TO REFER TO A NATURAL DISASTER.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, ANY TIME YOU LOOK AT A MAP OF FLORIDA, YOU'RE
GETTING THE FULL MONTY.
( CHEERING )
ABOUT UNITY, RECOVERY, AND STRENGTH.
BUT I GOT TO POINT OUT, AT NO POINT DID HE THROW ROLLS OF
PAPER TOWELS INTO A DESPERATE CROWD, RAISING THE TROUBLING
QUESTION: IS BIDEN TOO OLD TO RICOCHET A ROLL OF BRAWNY OFF A
PENSIONER'S NOGGIN?
AFTER THE SPEECH-- YOU GOTTA ASK.
PRESIDENT WAS GREETED BY FORT AFTER THE SPEECH, THE MYERS BEACH
MAYOR, RAY MURPHY, AND WAS CAUGHT SAYING THIS TO THE MAYOR
ON A HOT MIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS WRONG... FOR CBS TO MAKE US BLEEP THAT.
SCANDAL STILL SURROUNDS G.O.P. UP THE COAST IN GEORGIA, SENATE
CANDIDATE AND NECK WITH A SIDE ORDER OF HEAD, HERSCHEL WALKER.
THIS WEEK, "THE DAILY BEAST" REPORTED THAT WALKER-- WHO HAS
BEEN VOCALLY ANTIABORTION-- PAID FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND TO HAVE AN
ABORTION BACK IN 2009. NOW WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE
G.O.P. KNEW ABOUT WALKER'S COMPLETE HYPOCRISY FOR A LONG
TIME, BUT THEIR REACTION RAN THE GAMUT FROM "THIS
ABORTION THING I HEARD. HAVING MORE KIDS THAN HE WAS
I HAD HEARD ABOUT THE ALLEGED LIABILITIES.
OUT" "OH, YEAH, WE KNEW ABOUT EH, IT'S NOT GOING TO COME ALL OF
IT-- THE SECRET KIDS, THE ABORTION COVER-UP, THE BACKYARD
PIT WHERE HE MAKES TODDLERS FIGHT RACCOONS FOR SPORT-- YOU
GUYS HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT THAT ONE YET?
EH, IT'S NOT GONNA COME OUT. AND EVEN IF IT DOES, SOMETIMES
THE TODDLERS WIN."
WORRIED, BECAUSE, AS ANOTHER STRATEGIST PUT IT, HERSCHEL
WALKER IS JUST "A WEALTHY, FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO IS
OBVIOUSLY SPREADING HIS SEED."
♪ JUST SPREADING HIS SEED HIS SEX IS UNSAFE
♪ HE WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT HIS CHILD'S LIFE! ♪
BUT THE G.O.P. IS STANDING BY THEIR MAN, ESPECIALLY FORMER
CURRENT PUCKERED SPHINCTER, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND NEWT
GINGRICH. GINGRICH WENT ON THE FOX NEWS
LAST NIGHT TO DEFEND WALKER. >> YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN THROUGH A
LONG, TOUGH PERIOD. HE HAD A LOT OF CONCUSSIONS
COMING OUT OF FOOTBALL. HE SUFFERED P.T.S.D.
>> Stephen: SEE? WALKER ISN'T A BAD GUY.
CONCUSSIONS HE CAN'T POSSIBLY HE'S JUST HAD SO MANY BE
HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS!
YOU KNOW: A SENATOR.
ALSO--
ALSO, P.T.S.D. ISN'T THE ♪ DA-DA-DA♪ ACRONYM
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, NEWT, UNLESS YOU THINK IT MEANS "PROBABLY
THREE SECRET DAUGHTERS."
GINGRICH HAD TO BRING UP THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
>> I THINK HE'S A REMARKABLE PERSON.
IMPORTANT SENATE CANDIDATE IN I THINK HE'S THE MOST THE COUNTRY.
HE WILL DO MORE TO CHANGE THE SENATE JUST BY HIS SHEER
PRESENCE, BY HIS CONFIDENCE AND DEEP COMMITMENT TO CHRIST.>> StE
MORE COMMITTED TO CHRIST? CERTAINLY NOT HIS OPPONENT, THE
HONORABLE REVEREND DR. RAPHAEL WARNOCK, PASTOR OF THE HISTORIC
EBENEZER BAPTIST CHURCH, SPIRITUAL HOME OF THE REVEREND
DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING.
THAN WARNOCK IS LIKE SAYING YOU'RE MORE INTO BASEBALL THAN
MR. MET. HIS HEAD IS A BASEBALL.
MANY CONCUSSIONS AS HERSCHEL AND HE STILL HASN'T HAD AS WALKER.
OVER IN WISCONSIN, WE GOT A SURPRISING ADMISSION FROM
REPUBLICAN SENATOR AND GHOST DOOMED TO HAUNT A LAQUINTA INN,
RON JOHNSON. AS WE HAVE KNOWN FOR A WHILE
NOW, ON THE MORNING OF JANUARY 6, SENATOR JOHNSON'S
STAFF ATTEMPTED TO DELIVER TO VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE LISTS
OF FAKE ELECTORS WHO WOULD BE USED AS PART OF THEIR PLOT TO
OVERTURN THE ELECTION. JOHNSON HAS REPEATEDLY DENIED
YESTERDAY, HE ACKNOWLEDGED ANY INVOLVEMENT, BUT TEXTING WITH THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S ATTORNEY ON JANUARY 6.
WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING NO ONE'S EVER SAID BEFORE: IT LOOKS LIKE
RON JOHNSON KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.
RON-JON-- AS THE TIKTOKERS
HIM-- CLAIMS HE HAD NO CHOICE. SAYING, "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF
ATTORNEY FOR THE PRESIDENT OF YOU GOT A TEXT FROM THE THE UNITED
STATES?" UHHH... SMASH MY PHONE, CHANGE
MY NAME, AND BURN OFF MY FINGERTIPS WITH A CURLING IRON?
JOHNSON SAID HE HAD TO RESPOND TO IT.
AND, ANYWAY, HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT MUCH OF A CONSPIRACY
BECAUSE "THE ENTIRE EPISODE LASTED ABOUT AN HOUR."
YOU CAN DO A LOT OF ILLEGAL STUFF IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME:
"YOUR HONOR, I PLEAD NOT GUILTY. I WAS ONLY STABBING HIM FOR
ABOUT AN HOUR!"
DIDN'T KNOW THE CONTENTS OF THE PACKAGE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
DELIVER. SO JOHNSON'S JUST AN ATTORNEY WANTED HIM TO UNWITTING
COURIER OF ILLEGAL CONTRABAND. "YES, I SWALLOWED THOSE 15
BALLOONS, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE FULL OF HEROIN!
I JUST THOUGHT THERE WAS A SIX-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN
MY STOMACH!" OH, WE ALSO GOT A NEW LITTLE
SNIPPET OF CRAZY FROM GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND CURSED DOLL
FASHIONED FROM SILLY PUTTY AND HATE, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
AT A RECENT RALLY IN MICHIGAN, GREENE RAILED AGAINST OUR
TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY, PETE BUTTIGIEG, FOR PROMOTING
ELECTRIC VEHICLES: >> BUT DEMOCRATS, LIKE PETE
BUTTIGIEG, WANT TO EMASCULATE THE WAY WE DRIVE.
ELECTRIC CARS SHOULD USE THE >> Stephen: "HE THINKS SAME
BATHROOMS AS GAS-POWERED CARS! I'M SORRY, I'M A LADY.
AND I DON'T DRIVE STICK!"
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
TO MAKE THAT MEAN ANYTHING. BUTTIGIEG CLAPPED BACK:
>> I LITERALLY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS.
I MEAN, MY SENSE OF MANHOOD IS NOT CONNECTED TO WHETHER MY
VEHICLE IS FUELED BY GASOLINE OR WHETHER IT'S FUELED BY
ELECTRICITY. >> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE A GUY
WHO NEVER CONNECTED HIS MANHOOD TO HIS CAR.
IT'S HOW I CHECK MY OIL LEVEL: NATURE'S DIPSTICK.
( LAUGHTER )
CONTINUE TO HAVE THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM ON A BED OF
PICKLED CABBAGE.
THAT A CORNERED PUTIN MAY RESORT TO USING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR
WEAPON. BUT THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE ARE
SAYING "SCREW THAT"-- LITERALLY. BECAUSE SOME UKRAINIANS ARE
RESPONDING TO THE THREAT OF NUKES BY ORGANIZING AN ORGY.
WELL, YEAH! THAT'S WHAT WE ALL PLAN TO DO.
IT'S ALL IN THAT COLD WAR P.S.A.:
"SUCK AND COVER."
MORE THAN-- SURE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE TURTLE?
WHAT'S THE TURTLE'S NAME? MORE THAT 15,000 PEOPLE HAVE
ALREADY SIGNED UP FOR THE ORGY, WHICH IS SET TO TAKE PLACE ON
A HILLSIDE OF KYIV, WITH THE INTENTION TO HEAD THERE IN THE
EVENT OF A NUCLEAR ATTACK-- AS OPPOSED TO FINDING THE NEAREST
BUNKER. I GET IT.
I MEAN, WITH THE BOMBS FALLING, WHY KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE, WHEN
YOU CAN HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE DO IT?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SPEECHWRITER CODY KEENAN IS FORMER WHITE HOUSE HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
TONY! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )